Episode 02/03: Collared Kitten Kiki

How's it going ladies and perverts?

In this weeks episode I try endlessly to keep MP and her collared sub Kitten Kiki on subject, but that's like trying to control two deaf Jack Russels chasing Deer. Listen in as Kiki quietly explains what life is like when you're involved with the loud and proud Miss Poison Candi.

Want to know which kink would be at the top of my list? Find out this week only, on MWIAD xo

Oh, so good, we're doing another one.

Oh, this is good, isn't it?

Indeed.

So excited.

We're getting consistent.

I'm buzzing.

Ish.

Can you see?

Yeah, I'm so tired.

I am dying.

And why am I so tired?

What happened?

We got a new cat because I had COVID.

We didn't.

I got a new cat.

Someone got me a new cat, and I had COVID, and I couldn't find a cat this morning, and I had to wake you up, I'm sorry.

Where was the cat?

In the house.

Mental, huh?

Very mental.

Shut up.

Do you reckon that's why we call them house cats?

Probably.

Dumbass.

Welcome ladies and perverts to the My Wife is a DOMINATRIX podcast.

Coming to you from a dimly lit dungeon somewhere in the UK with your hosts, Dan Vandal and his very demanding wife, MP.

Enough of that, that's boring, isn't it?

I don't know, I can't hear it.

I haven't got any headphones on.

Welcome, welcome to another podcast.

My Wife is a DOMINATRIX starring me, Dan Vandal and her.

Miss Poison Candy.

And we've got a new one today, haven't we?

We've got guests on.

We have got guests.

Lovely little guests.

And here she is.

Meow.

Okay, that's how this is going.

Those are her pronouns.

Introduce yourself, come on.

I'm Kitten Kiki.

Kitten Kiki, and I am Kandy's submissive.

Yeah.

Collared submissive.

Yeah.

You've got a collar on, which means that's good.

That's your top level.

Yeah, you've earned it.

You've achieved it.

Yeah.

I believe it.

All of the motivational, powerful speeches.

I'm special.

So, I suppose we should start with like, how you two met, huh?

Yeah.

Well, it was at the BBB last year, wasn't it?

It was the Fetish Awards, and I went with my fem sub, and I knew Candie was going to be there.

We'd spoken on Twitter before, and I was really nervous.

I was like, oh my God, she's going to be there.

I need to meet her and say hello.

But I was scared that you wouldn't recognize me.

And then you came over and you were very loud and in control, and I was like, okay.

That sounds like me.

Yeah, it does.

I've had a couple of tricks.

I'm feeling confident.

Yeah.

I'm sorry if I sound really not impressed.

I've been dealing with COVID and I've got a massive cold.

So if you hear some deep breathing, it's not sexy.

You've been very dramatic, haven't you?

I have been very dramatic.

It's kicked my ass.

And normally I do the ass kicking, so.

So, you know, we met at the BBB on a club night awards show thing.

And yeah, she remembers more than I do.

You were there.

You was.

Yeah, you kept telling me to calm down.

Yeah, that sounds like my night.

Like a cat in a bin bag.

Normally how my night goes.

It does.

You chase me around telling me to calm the hell down, so.

I try and have a few beers.

I think I'm going to have a nice evening tonight.

And then I have like three or four.

Then I'm like, no, obviously I'm not having a nice evening.

I'm losing control.

I am.

Stop using my real name.

He can't help himself.

Oh yeah, I keep, I got the beep button, but I never use the damn thing.

Ah, here's what it is.

Outing me.

No, I'll just beep.

Don't dox me.

Normally, I spend-

Doxed by my own dickhead.

Normally, I spend about two hours editing the podcast to get rid of stuff you said that I can't put in.

Well, apparently, everyone knows my name anyway, so it's fine.

I know.

You're ridiculous.

Anyway, so yeah, we met in the club.

We'd spoken a little bit before because I was quite interested in having a female slave for a long time.

But I think in the female submissive community, a lot of the girls about sounding awful, have a lot of trauma, a lot of issues.

And we tried a few things before, and it just hadn't stuck.

Every single one.

Every single one had been not a good mix, and it was hard work and still is.

What?

No, I'm joking.

I was gonna say, I fall under all of those things.

I know, but I think with women, it's different than it is with men.

It's a different connection, because with the same sex, I do think it is harder to procure a specimen of such loveliness.

It's definitely harder to find female submissives as a dominant woman than it is to find submissive men.

Yeah, they do seem to come with a lot more drama.

Yes, they do.

I think it's a good way of putting it.

That's just women in general, though.

I mean, yeah, I'm not gonna disagree.

But yeah, I mean, everyone's got daddy issues.

I mean, yeah, not everyone in this room, but two-thirds of it, at least.

Are you excluding me?

Brilliant, thank you.

Yeah, right, imagine it.

So yeah, no, I, yeah, I'd wanted one for ages, so I reached out and we started talking.

I liked her content.

I like that she's a little kitten.

I like the gothic side.

What does being a little kitten mean?

That she likes pet play, she's cute, she's submissive, she's breedable, I hate that word, I hate that word.

I hate that thing, you know, when people are like, I'm submissive and breedable.

Breed me.

No.

I don't need any more kittens.

Yeah, well, you tell us, what is it being a kitten?

Why kitten?

Well, yeah, it's just pet play really, but for kittens, you know, you have pet play where you train them how to be a good puppy.

Fetch the ball and that.

Fetch the ball, give them pets, train them tricks and stuff.

Make them hump your leg.

Yeah, I do like humping pets.

Except from your cat, and cats are definitely more hard work than dogs.

Oh, definitely, I'm a kitten, so I need a lot of training.

You do need a lot of training.

What is this training that we speak of?

What's involved in this training?

Just basic fucking learning.

Teaching me how to be a good pet for her, essentially.

Okay, I'm really struggling.

How does it look like?

What does it look like?

It's not much different from training a submissive.

If I turn up and I say, hello, I'm a kitten, and I need some training.

Why are you talking?

Should you be saying meow?

That's how it starts.

She likes being stroked and close affection and cat-like features.

It's really weird because a lot more women are into being cats and a lot more men are into being pups, aren't they?

There seems to be a real divide on it.

You do get women that love to be pups as well, but generally it's women that would like to be cats because I suppose cats sit on your lap, they're strokable.

Cats are also quite vicious at times.

I'd say men are like dogs, aren't they?

They're sort of like, most dogs are pretty easy going, a little bit silly.

Whereas women are very complicated, like cats.

You have to earn their trust, whereas dogs will just give it to you.

Women are like cats, they're hard work.

They'll sit on you when they want to.

They won't come if you call your cat's name.

Unless you've got a treat in your hand, they ain't coming.

My cat does.

Yeah, he's a boy.

He's a boy cat.

None of the girls do.

And she enjoys the aspect of being looked after, being small, being cute, being like little.

You know, like when we do adult baby play and things like that, people like to regress into being little.

Did you just say when we do adult baby play?

Is that something I don't know?

Actually, we're a good diaper.

We have never done that.

But so what does somebody can have a kitten session is like a thing.

What would happen?

It's different for everyone, really.

Depends whether they like the more loving and affectionate side of it, or they like the degrading side of it.

So if you're into degradation, there'd be things like eating and drinking out of a bowl.

The more extreme side may be peeing in a litter tray.

Like actual pet play, we weren't just talking about like, I'm just going to brush her coat.

Yeah, this is, I don't know what I'm saying.

I wouldn't know what a session like that looks like.

With a pup play thing, they chase a ball or you get them to drink out of a bowl, or you get them to do certain actions and dress them up with a hood.

Yeah, taking them for a walk in the forest.

Yeah.

That's sort of the thing with the collar on, just that sort of mindset.

So it's quite similar to, is it similar?

I don't know if it's similar to or not, you'd probably know Kiki.

The whole, what are those people called?

The ones that you wear?

Yeah, them.

I think that's a completely different thing.

No, they are not the same.

They are completely different things.

Why isn't anybody combine the two?

No, that sounds like peak kitten play.

I think they do, but there's definitely a difference between for both.

One, I can't afford a fairy suit, it's very expensive.

No, it's not for me, it's not my thing.

You like the buttplug tail and the little ears and you know.

The jingly collar.

The jingly collar, but the furry is like, you're wearing a mascot.

Yeah.

You're rolling around in a mascot suit basically.

Going around town telling everyone that you're a furry.

Yeah.

But combined.

Yeah, some people do really enjoy furry play.

I've never had a furry session actually.

No, I haven't.

No, that's not something I've had.

It's very big as well in the gay community, isn't it?

The furries.

If anybody here is listening that happens to be into that.

You know it's content, because that's never happened.

I know.

Oh, then we could do a whole convo on it afterwards.

And you could try and out them again.

It's not something you really see in BDSM and the parties that we go to.

I think because they are so niche as well, they have their own community, whereas with our kinks and the kinks that I work with, it's a lot broader, it's more publicly accepted and things like that.

So that whereas furry is expensive, it's just a different type of community.

It's like the big and littles community, the adult baby community doesn't always mix with just the BDSM lot because it's a slightly different kink.

Some people really are against age play.

So they're just different communities.

So unless we went specifically to a furry mate.

Explain age play as well whilst you're at it.

So you can have bigs and littles.

It's like daddy, daddy issue girls.

Someone wants a daddy, and they like to regress into being little.

They like the feeling of maybe wearing nappies, feeling of drinking out of bottles.

It takes them back to a time when they felt safe or maybe more innocent.

Some people see that as a sexual thing.

They quite like the comfort and safety in it.

And some people really don't like it.

And then there's adults that like to be daddies and mummies.

Basically, it's a extreme version of having your girlfriend dress up as a college girl.

No, it's different.

It's not like, yeah, it's not like that.

It's a real, like they're sleeping cots.

They have playrooms.

They like their nappies changed and everything.

It's a real regression into being young again.

So it's much more than just, you know, dressing up on a schoolgirl skirt and spank me daddy sort of thing.

It goes a lot deeper.

They like to like properly dress up in rompers and, and did you know what, to be fair, like a lot of people in BDSM frown upon it.

Like it seems to be like another category within BDSM, but a lot of people are like, oh no, you get that sometimes as categories that people are like, like my farting.

Some people are like, oh my God.

And it's like, it's just a fart.

It's a fart, get over it.

Like, it's not the end of the world.

But yeah, just some people look down on it and some people love it.

It's all, yeah, different kinks.

We went miles away from talking about how you two met.

I know, we've gone into age play, we've gone into-

No, no, we started on how you two met.

That's what we were.

Anyway, we met at the BBB and they actually have a bigs and littles play area.

They do, yeah, that's right.

Yeah, yeah, they do.

They really love it up in Birmingham and they have quite a big community of adult babies and littles.

So they do that.

And yeah, we met then, and then I think we just started talking, didn't we?

We just went from then and then you came to a few things that I went to.

You exchanged details that day, didn't you?

Yeah, we went to the awards in London.

Yeah, yeah, we did for Bitches Unleashed.

Yeah.

Yeah, that was an eye-opener, wasn't it?

That was a wild night.

Was it?

Yeah.

What happened?

Just when you-

Was it a drama?

No, it's just when you're in a room full of people who are big personalities and big names within the community.

Like some people sometimes forget their manners.

Very well-known.

And you've got people coming from all over the world to these types of events.

And sometimes I think people really believe that they're bigger than they are, and they treat people below them, who they deem below them, quite poorly, and they're quite rude.

And someone was quite rude to Kiki.

So I had to step in and it's quite funny.

I'm not gonna out them.

I'm not gonna say what happened, but yeah, they were getting a bit big for their boots.

And so I was like, look, I don't care who you are.

You don't talk to people like that.

Sort yourself out.

It's not good.

I'm not okay with it.

But yeah, you sometimes get that, where people get a little bit too big for their boots at award shows.

So we went to that.

That was, yeah, that was our opening for us both, really, wasn't it?

And then.

Yeah.

But it's my first time at an event like that.

So it was like, don't meet your heroes.

Yeah, you said that so many times.

Don't meet your heroes because they, yeah, they're never what you've put them in your head to be.

Which is really disappointing.

Yeah.

I mean, it's the same with like movie stars and stuff.

You essentially relate to a character that somebody's playing.

You're not relating to the person that you know, because you don't know him, you know?

You know, the Instagram version of them or the Twitter version of them.

It's very rarely is the same person.

I find that I get on better with people that I don't really know.

And then I build a rapport with and they're like, oh my God, they're a legend.

Now they're a hero.

But yeah, the people that I thought I'd get on really well with who portray themselves to be really nice online have in fact not been.

And so, yeah.

Yeah.

Well, that's normal.

Everyone tries to portray the best side of themselves or what they deem to be the best side of themselves or the most sellable side of themselves.

Yeah.

And I suppose when people have a couple of drinks as well, they get a bit loose goose, don't they?

And then the real them slips out and you're like, oh, could it go back in?

Plus you're always unapologetically yourself on your, on line as you are in real life.

Yeah, maybe too much.

There isn't like a difference.

No, there's not really a difference.

But a lot of people are different because a lot of people like to keep their private life private.

And I get that, I completely get that, but it is exhausting.

It must be exhausting, pretending that you're holier than art.

What's it than?

Holier than thou.

I don't know where art came from.

Holier than thou.

But yeah, must be exhausting.

Well, having to pretend to be something you're not all of the time.

Like, especially if you're in a social setting, which is to do with work, but is also a bit of a social.

That, funny enough, leads me on to a Reddit question.

Oh, okay.

But I'm gonna save it for later on because we still haven't finished.

We still haven't finished.

Why are you edging us?

He's edging all the time.

The you and Kiki story.

Yeah, and then we just met up.

We've done some filming together, and then we spent some time with each other.

Like, whenever I have bits and pieces to do, I always invite her along, and you've come on a few trips and stuff, and we've just-

Do social bits and bobs.

Social bits and bobs, and then, yeah.

Like, I collided her.

And that's, we just, we're like real good friends now, and we speak most days, and-

And that's, yeah.

She comes and crashes at our house for too long.

You miss me when I leave.

Yeah, yeah, I do, yeah.

Yeah, I hate, you know, the extra workload.

You did, you've obviously been around for a while, haven't you, as a submissive and stuff, and you've got maybe things that you want to share or not share, like before life before candy.

Yeah.

How was life before candy?

How did you get into the scene, I suppose?

It's probably something I want to know.

I used to escort, when I first started getting into this kind of stuff, I escorted for like two years.

This was when I was about 21, so like eight years ago, and the clients are a bit...

So I was like, maybe if I add a bit of kink to this, I'll be a bit more respectful.

And they are.

Oh, right.

I see what you mean.

They're more a bit...

Yeah.

So then I started adding kink to it, but this was before I knew that I was a switch.

So I thought I was just submissive.

Yes.

And then a client was like, how do you feel about switching it around a little bit?

And I was like, I'll give it a go.

I'm quite open minded.

And then I did it and I was like, oh, wow, this is kind of my eyes to a lot of things I didn't know.

And I was like, I want to explore this more.

So I started weeding out the sex stuff and focusing more on kink.

And then I started doing pro, pro subcessions, God, it was like three years ago now, maybe it's probably subcessions, essentially, where you just go and do filming stuff professionally.

No.

What's that mean?

Then?

Well, that's how I started.

Yeah, but it's not just that, is it a pro?

Yeah.

Like she does pro subcessions.

So I do pro domination sessions.

Yeah.

She does pro subcessions.

So she's submissive to a dominant.

Yeah, so people will pay me to spank me or do other sexism things with me.

I didn't even know that was a thing until just now.

Yeah, I had no idea.

It's definitely not as big as the pro DOM world.

Is your mic falling down?

Yeah, it's a bit.

Do you want me to help you?

Yes, please.

Please, Daddy.

Please help me.

Which is so little.

We need to get her a high chair.

Hello?

Yeah, that's better.

Go on.

I'll just hold it, because...

Yeah, just hold it there.

What was I saying?

I've got no...

I don't know.

I switched off ages ago.

Oh, you're talking about prairie sub-session, so the sort of things you do in it and...

Oh, yeah.

I didn't know that was a thing.

I had no idea that you could rent somebody to smack about.

Within reasons and limits.

Oh, definitely.

I've seen some of the sessions she's had, and I've got to say, can you educate yourself, DOMs?

Stop using my property in such a terrible manner.

Some of the marks they've left, I'm like, oh, no, babes.

Yeah.

Sometimes I kind of have to, like, top from the bottom.

And I'm like, you're doing this a bit wrong.

It would feel better if you did it like this.

And then they're like, oh, okay.

And they're like, oh, I've been in the scene for years.

And I'm like, hmm, are you sure?

Oh, wow.

So is it normally, do you normally have, is it normally fellas that rent you?

Or is it normally lady DOMINATRIXes?

I've never had any women message me, actual women.

I have a lot of men who pretend they're women.

Oh, God, all the time.

Yeah.

I get excited.

I'm like, oh yeah, like I prefer women.

So, okay, well excited.

Wait, you don't mean, you don't mean trans?

You mean just men that pretend to be women online?

Yes.

Yeah.

Right.

They get a kick out pretending to be like DOMINATRIXes or submissives.

I get it, but the other way around.

So she gets it saying, oh, I, you know, I'm a female and I want to dominate you.

And I get it where I'm like, hi, I'm Lucy and I'm a sub and I'd like you to tie my big tits up.

And it turns out to be like Barry from Newcastle, 38 stone, tits tied up.

I'm like, send me a picture of your tits, hey, they've got hair on them.

Men love to do it.

It's like a weird sort of kink almost of theirs, pretending to be a lady to indulge in conversations with you to see how far they can get.

Yeah.

Really?

It's a thing.

I do nearly everything possible to avoid conversations.

Just in general.

Just in general.

So yeah, that's a thing.

So you're a professional submissive, pro-sab.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And she's also a pro-switch.

Pro-switch.

So she also does DOMINATION sessions as well.

Oh yeah, no, I know that bit.

So she'll jump on sessions with me.

And we do double sessions.

We do filming together.

Yeah, you do.

I filmed with the pair of you.

But she will never DOM me because I own her.

So I'm her DOMINANT.

You are a master DOM.

I am master DOM.

I am dungeon master.

I don't get DOM'd.

You're the alpha male.

I am the alpha male.

And then she has a female submissive herself that she DOMINATES.

This sounds like a pyramid scheme.

It is a pyramid scheme.

And I'm right in the middle where I should be.

I'm going to try and sell me an apartment in tennery for something like that.

I might do.

Do you want to come and join this sandwich?

We could look for that Jay fellow whilst we're there.

Oh, no, don't.

Don't involve him.

That's mental, that whole case.

That Jay Slater thing.

Jay Slater thing?

Yeah.

Have you been watching it?

What the hell?

None of it makes sense.

Make it make sense.

There's a whole new bit in there about a watch now or something.

Yeah, someone stole a watch.

Why are we talking about this?

This has got no relevance to King.

Because I was watching it just whilst I was waiting for you.

You're trying to put your vanilla into this one, yeah?

You know when you said five minutes and then it was an hour and a half.

I got distracted.

I phoned Jay Slater, the Henry Hall on Twitter.

I can make you disappear.

I've made my fist disappear many, many times.

Even my leg this morning.

Yeah.

I put a whole foot, I had to put a condom on my foot and put my whole foot into his anus.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

It was really fun.

It's really cosy.

It's so tight in there as well.

Yeah, I'm not surprised.

It's very welcoming.

Once you're here, it's like...

So whereabouts are you located in the country, Kiki?

I am East Anglia.

You said that like it was a question.

I call it you in geography.

What are you, Jade Goodie?

East Anglia, is that a place in the Bahamas?

Well, I'm in Peterborough, so...

Right.

Okay.

Well, there we go.

You're in Peterborough.

50 minutes above London.

And do you do a lot of sessions up there?

The closest scene in Peterborough is non-existent, so closest to me is London.

No.

That makes no sense.

You're so far up further than London.

By 50 minutes.

Yeah, just like straight up.

Nothing else up there.

You have to go all the way down to London.

Yeah.

And then I'd say the closest up the country is probably Birmingham.

I suppose.

Birmingham, Nottingham.

It's quite a scene in Birmingham, isn't it?

And Nottingham, I think.

Really?

Yeah.

Not as big, but...

And what about your vanilla life?

Do you have normal job and stuff like that?

No, this is my full time job.

This is your full time...

Full time slur?

Yes.

I'm definitely not as booked and blessed as Candy is.

Yeah, but you're a switch.

I think being a switch is a different kettle of fish.

Just because you're doing two things, I suppose.

Whereas I'm concentrating on just one thing.

That is my craft, isn't it?

I'm just dominating.

I'm not having to spend time subbing and things like that.

You've got to think about recovery times as well.

She can't do loads and loads of sub sessions in a week, because if someone's beating her over and over again, then that will leave permanent scarring, that will leave her bruised, it will hurt.

Whereas I'm doing the hurting.

So the worst I'm going to do is get a bit of repetitive arm strain from all the swanky handjobs I'm giving.

Expensive handjobs.

Swanky, expensive handjobs.

Can I just say that not everyone gets a handjob, it's not a given, it's not like a happy meal in a fucking McDonald's.

You don't always get the toy.

Sometimes you get that shitty little book.

Some of them go home with that shit little book, and some of them go home with a joy toy.

The newest Pokemon.

Depends on how well you perform.

Some people don't want to come, and some people don't offer that, everyone's different.

The thing about kink is it's not about the coming.

It is a part of it sometimes, but it is more about inside the mind and the way it makes you feel.

Yeah.

I can have fun as a sub if there's no sexual contact at all.

Like a lot of my subcessions don't, I don't allow it.

A lot of people want it and I'm like, you just beat me up, that's it.

I'm assuming the majority of them want that part.

I assume the majority of them want to fuck you.

And they're not allowed.

Oh, that's not part of the deal anymore.

That's not part of my deal.

Some people do, some people don't.

It's just not what I'd like to do.

You get full service submissives and you get full service DOMs.

Sometimes you get DOMs that will fuck submissives.

Everyone's different, but everyone likes to pretend that they're better than everyone else.

Like, oh, I don't do sex work.

I'm not a sex worker.

And you're like, mm-hmm.

I don't know, yeah, why does it matter?

I don't know, but it is.

You get people fighting on the internet about it, and it's just like, we're all in the same boat together, really.

We're all going to drown.

You get people fighting on the internet about everything now.

That's very true.

That's what the internet's for now, I'm afraid.

Yes.

Showing your bumhole when fighting.

Fighting with your bumholes.

That would be much more entertaining to watch.

Do you remember bumfights?

They used to be a thing on the internet.

Oh, that was awful, yeah.

That was awful.

I can't even believe that was a thing.

That was like, wasn't that before Jackass?

Way back then.

That was like ancient.

Yeah, it's a documentary about the guy that created the bumfights.

Yeah.

And now we've got MMA.

Now people are being paid to fight, and paid professionally for it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And Slap City.

Why can't we do Slap Tiddy?

That would be really good.

Well, you can in your session.

Oh my god, I could.

I could get two massive jugged ladies, like JJ Jules.

Oh my god, I love JJ Jules.

I've got to put a video up of her just beating the shit out of a man with her tits.

Like literally, he nearly got knocked out.

He's like...

Wait, that's a real thing?

That's a real video?

Yeah.

I'm pretty sure I've shown you.

She's chasing him around the room with her fucking tits and brashing him up.

Yeah, it's hilarious.

I've got to show you it.

It's very funny.

I've seen plenty of JJ's titties.

I know.

Everyone has.

Isn't she got the biggest tits in Britain?

She's a double J.

She is, yeah.

That's why she's called JJ.

They are ginormous.

Honestly, they're so heavy.

I don't think I'd be able to.

Just one.

It would be a lot of work.

It's like two of our heads.

They're massive.

We met her at the awards, didn't we?

And the BBB.

And you've met her.

She's bloody brilliant.

She's, do you know what?

She's so down to earth.

She's like a BBW, so big, beautiful woman escort.

And she's just a really lovely woman.

She is so down to earth.

She's so funny.

And she just says it how she is.

She doesn't pretend to be anything.

She's not, she doesn't give a shit.

She's, yeah, she's a real nice person in the industry.

Because a lot of porn stars are on stuff and assholes and a bit arrogant and stuff.

And she's just lovely.

She's just herself and she's really nice.

Yeah, I agree.

She's just like a brassy bird.

A brassy bird.

She's a brassy bird.

She's going to beat you up for this now.

With her tits.

I don't run her easy.

Oh, I don't know.

She'd whip her tit right at you.

It's like a lasso.

Spider-mommy with her boobies.

She will.

She's going to be chuckling away to this.

So yeah, no.

So I've owned you for how long now?

Well, we got together in...

Last year.

So I met you in, I think it was...

The summer.

Yeah, but we'd spoken a little bit before then.

So October.

It's been quite quick, to be honest.

There were some bumps in the road where you misbehaved.

You were a naughty girl.

Didn't do as you're told and gave me a bit of sass.

Because she is a brat.

She likes to talk back.

And I don't like brats, and she likes brating.

So we're still sort of learning about each other.

Like we're still...

This is very complicated.

It is.

Well, women, of course it's complicated.

We've got a bratty kitten that sub DOM switches.

Yep.

She's a walking contradiction.

I'm just greedy.

Indecisive.

That's the great thing about Kinka.

You can be whatever you want to be.

If you want to be a three-headed demon dog, you can do that then.

You can.

You can fuck plastic dog dicks.

You can put a butt plug dog tail in.

There's so many things that you can do now.

Like she loves fucking tentacles.

You love monster dicks.

Oh, yes.

I've seen.

I've seen.

Yeah.

What is it?

What is it about the turn to clay?

The turn to clay.

They just feel really nice.

They make nice noises.

You have one.

You've used one.

Yeah, I have used one on you.

I don't know myself.

It doesn't do the same thing to me.

I'm not really attracted to octopus.

But yeah, you have got some of those.

Yeah, you bought one for me and I used it on her.

The purple one.

I like the monster dicks.

I like the big, massive ones.

You do?

For my cavernous cavern.

For your rancid avatoir.

Unbelievable.

We're really selling the dream here, aren't we?

Yeah, you like, you've got like an obsession with cum as well, haven't you?

Where does that come from?

I don't know.

It's just, I can't think of the first time I looked at it and I was like, yep, this is a bit of me.

But now I'm just obsessed with cum.

Cum.

I'm just obsessed with cum.

I want it.

I need it.

But it's a genuine kink of hers, I've got dildos, I've got like cum tubes as well.

So I can fill up this like massive syringe and just make it just all over me.

She loves taking videos of it.

She loves eating it.

We've done a couple of videos.

I've just taken a recent video and we took one last year.

Yeah, we did.

No, the beginning of this year of you taking a load of loads.

It's very good to have a load of loads.

Taking a load of loads.

Taking a load of condoms will have come.

We've been filming that day, so we've been taking little samples from everyone during their film.

It's like a smores ball with all of the filming subs.

She's like, like a cheese ball with condoms.

And then we turned her into the cheese ball at the end, which was hilarious.

I don't even know what that means.

We pallet wrapped her and I put loads of cheese in her and made all the other subs eat cheese with her.

There was no cheese in me.

No, she's on her, on top of the pallet wrap.

We've got to think of health and safety and cleanliness at all times.

Talking about cleanliness, I'm chewing up the food and spitting it on a plate and I'm like, eat it.

They're like, oh, this sounds like a bit of a wild session or whatever this was.

This was a filming day.

Oh, right.

There were farts, there was wrestling, there was all sorts going on.

Really?

It's good fun.

There was armpit licking.

There was sweat worship.

Sweat worship is something I've seen that's got really big.

Hasn't it?

Yeah.

It has.

Because when I first started, it wasn't really a thing.

What, do you think it's just the time of year?

No, I don't know.

No, it's like the increase in gym selfies and gym girls and things like that.

People armpit smothering and it's become...

Farting was underground and now it's everywhere.

Everyone wants to film flatulence.

Now it's all sweat and armpits and smothering.

They just like it, I suppose, like men are attracted to the female sweat.

I mean, you're not, but it's like the cats when they lick your armpits and they're like, yeah, let's get a bit of that.

Please don't let the cats lick your armpits.

No, you let the cats eat your armpits.

My cat sniffed my armpits after work.

He loves it.

He does.

It's disgusting.

And by cats, I mean actual cats, not Kiki.

Maybe we should start making you do that.

I don't have a scent fetish.

Please don't sniff my armpits.

It is a scent fetish.

Yeah.

Do you know what, I've got subs with scent fetishes.

It's called a oriole something.

How is it?

Pheromones?

Yeah.

I read it earlier on.

I don't know why.

I do love reading into these things.

He's doing his research.

He is doing his research.

Yeah.

But you didn't know we were even going to talk about this.

No, I had no idea.

No, I just occasionally I'll brush up on acronyms and stuff because you use a lot of them at me and I don't pay attention to what you're saying.

Sometimes I'll refresh myself.

If you had to have a fetish, if you had to have one, what would yours be?

Out of what?

Out of everything.

All of it.

What do you mean if I had to?

You had to have one.

Do I not have any?

I don't know.

That's a very boring answer.

I don't know what you mean.

What appeals to you the most?

Out of what you know?

Oh, the stuff that MP does.

Me, Miss Poison.

NPC and NPC player.

All of it.

Yeah, I say like 90% of it haunts my dreams.

And I haven't even gone inside your asshole.

Yeah.

Yet.

There's still time.

Let me in.

Let me in, little pig.

There's nothing.

We tried it once and you screamed like a girl.

Tried to put my finger in your butthole and you were happy.

None of it.

Don't want a tongue in there though, do you?

You did.

You levitated.

Men don't mind a little lick of the bumhole, but they don't like a finger in it, some of them.

My partner won't let me anywhere near his.

As soon as my finger gets close, he clenches it.

Nope.

No thanks.

I'm assuming your partner knows about everything.

He's very vanilla.

He supports my life, but he's like, please do it away from me so you don't pester me for it.

He's a normie, is he?

Yeah.

He is, but he's even more normie than you.

Really?

Yes.

Yeah.

It's so weird that we're so kinky and we have yet.

We have normal vanilla partners.

I know.

Maybe that's what we need to escape the...

Do you reckon, do you think it helps you at all or not?

I think so.

I think if we were doing it all the time, especially as a professional, I think it would get too much.

Because we're quite similar in our personalities.

We're quite compulsive, obsessive.

Our mood changes and stuff.

I think we get addicted quite quickly to adrenaline activity.

So something's really fun and exciting, like a kink.

You're like, ooh, you get obsessed with it.

You know, like ADHD, I get different hobbies and I get obsessed really quickly.

I think it's really nice that you don't have that so much because then you ground me.

You're the grounding force.

Because if I was doing it all the time, I could just imagine myself getting more and more extreme.

I can imagine myself to be in a really extreme person doing like really mental, extreme stuff, like the real dark side.

So I think it's good that I've got you to pull me back because otherwise, yeah, I'd probably, yeah, I'd probably end up going viral on the internet for something.

Sitting pie to your sleeve.

No, I'm not.

I'm not her.

Although I do like to make people set fire to the boxes and then I'll make them go and buy thongs.

Yeah.

Especially if they're into like pamphlet and stuff.

I'm like go and burn all your boxes.

Go to that job interview with a pair of laces on.

Like take a little picture in the toilet.

Your saucy little slut.

Yeah, I love it.

I really, it really makes me laugh.

I love it when men have to go to like business meetings and then they bend over and their mates have seen a thong or something like that.

Oh, could you imagine?

Yeah, it's good for like sissy tasks, you know, like when you get men who've got like a panty fetish or a sissification fetish, like they like to wear pretty underwear and lingerie underneath because it makes them feel nice.

And it adds an element of risk, doesn't it?

Like they're always like, oh, God, what if someone...

It's like when you wear a chastity cage, not you, but people wear a chastity cage.

You've got to stop doing this.

You keep pointing at me.

I would like you to try one, just to see what it feels like.

Absolutely not.

Why?

Just one time.

Because they look awfully uncomfortable.

Oh, where?

Why would I want to be...

I wouldn't want to be awfully uncomfortable for the day.

I'd like to put you in a chastity cage, actually, Kiki.

I feel like I need to.

You're rampant.

Is there a thing?

What, a female chastity cage?

It's a belt.

It's a lot worse than men's.

Men's junk can still be all loose in that.

Women's, it's all like sweaty Betty.

Yuck.

And there's like ones that go inside you as well.

You fill up.

Like a Venus flytrap.

All of the holes are filled.

Oh man, if you need to poop, that's going to really suck ass.

Yeah.

Messy.

I wore one once for a day and I was like, no, not feeling it.

I just don't feel they're as comfortable as a man's.

They're definitely not.

They're far more restrictive as a woman than a man.

What an injustice.

I know, so injustice.

Yeah, but women had to endure this for years back in the day.

And men are just doing it for fun.

Just for a laugh, yeah.

I know, right?

This is the society of labor, isn't it?

Look where we are now.

I know, how the roles have reversed.

Whose keys are my holding?

You've got a fair set of a few keys.

Do you know what?

I've got loads and loads of keys.

The amount that I've never given back is, yeah.

Really?

Yeah.

I always keep finding random keys around.

I'm like, oh, I remember that flake.

Yeah.

Because they start off really well, and then it's like week two, and then they sort of flake off, and you're like, they've plainly got spare keys, so they just fuck off and then go to the next person.

Like, you get some people who are in chastity, and they're like really devoted, and they're really good.

And each, you know, it enhances the sessions as well when you're doing them, because they haven't been able to wank, and it adds like a little bit more of play, like you're playing in between the session.

They're abstaining from wanking and coming, but they can still get hard in their cages and everything, their cock cages.

So it adds like that level of control as well, because you're like, I will let you out if you do X, Y, Z for me, and you can set them little tasks.

And yeah, and then it can get to the point where you can make them actually come in their cage.

All of that sounds like utter torture.

I don't like the idea of it.

But like, you just want it easy.

You just want your dick rowed.

And that's it.

And then roll over and have a little sleep.

That's you.

But some people like it being a challenge.

I don't roll over and have a sleep.

Sometimes I make you a congratulatory cup of tea.

Thank you.

Don't I?

Spoil.

Hashtag blessed.

Throw a towel at you and walk out the room and make you a cup of tea.

That is romance, my dear.

Sheffield isn't dead.

It certainly is here.

So what does your fella think about what you do then?

Does he have an opinion?

Does he get involved?

Does he not give a shit?

He doesn't get involved.

He prefers not to.

But I tell him about what I'm doing, and he's just like, you're fucking mental.

Does he have a similar mindset as me, or is he?

Yeah, I'd say you're both quite similar, actually.

I think you two should meet and chat.

I think you'd get on quite well.

Could we hold hands, or?

Definitely.

If I can take pictures.

He's buying, though.

He's buying, though.

He's buying?

Yeah.

As long as you dock at the end.

Little cock docking.

You're obsessed with cock docking.

Is this your new thing?

It just makes me laugh.

We've got a social later, so I might have to get some boys to cock dock.

Explain that.

Cock docking is where the penises do the kisses and then the skin goes into each other.

It's really hard to...

How would you explain it?

Tip to tip.

Yeah, tip to tip, and then you roll your foreskins on each other.

So they're docking like a spaceship landing.

Do you remember these little Chinese finger torture things?

Yeah, sort of like that.

Oh my god, I want to get one of them for a video.

That's a great idea.

Jerking the boss.

See who comes the fastest in the Chinese torture.

I have seen a chest at EKH, which is for two.

You can put one in either side.

Oh my god, that sounds amazing.

Oh, they're like conjoined twins.

Yeah.

Come joined.

Come joined twins.

I know.

We weren't meant to be saying like, how well is Kiki serving and stuff like that, but we've just gone off on a tangent again, haven't we?

Go on then.

How well am I serving?

Do you know where at the start you were a bit of a dickhead?

I'll give you that.

You were hard work.

What was she dickheadish about?

Well, it wasn't really dickheadish.

Let's talk about why she's not here.

She'd come from a different mistress and she hadn't had some very positive experiences and the way that she had been sold an idea of ownership and stuff was very different from what I do.

I'm a very different DOMINATRIX from perhaps a lot of the others.

Oh, so she was sold a different idea to what you were selling.

Yeah, yeah.

And she thought she had to be this particular thing.

She was afraid to be herself.

She was anxious.

She was nervous.

She was a bit traumatized.

And, yeah, it took her a while to sort of open up and trust and...

Well, I'll let her explain.

You say it.

Don't have to mention any names or anything.

You don't have to do anything, but...

Do as you're told.

No pressure.

Yeah, I guess...

Oh, God, I'm nervous now.

Why?

Don't be nervous.

Talking about it is weird.

Did you want her chair to help you?

Yeah, I guess everyone's idea of submission and domination and ownership is different.

I've had a few owners in the past, but in the beginning, it was never really that serious.

But my last one, I would say it was and it didn't end very well.

And it made me a bit nervous to look out for that again, like search for a new DOMINATRIX owner in case that happened again.

Is that a common theme with female subs?

It seems to be.

The ones that I know and have spoken to, we all kind of seem to have the same story.

A lot of people will use female subs for financial gain because they're like the unicorns in the threesome.

They're like the fit single girl that everyone wants for their threesome, you know, the attractive young blonde slim girl sort of.

That's what people like.

There's the unicorn.

And in the DOM world, getting a female submissive to do all the filming, to do all the bits and pieces, to do stuff, to progress your career because people love seeing a dominant woman and a submissive female.

A lot of women will sell female submissives these ideas like they really care for them.

They're the best mates, they're all this.

And then it's just purely for a financial purpose.

And I'm not like that.

Me and Kiki are really good friends above everything else.

We worked on our friendship, not just our DS relationship.

It surprises me that there's not a lot more female submissives on the scene because obviously there is in real life.

But I'm assuming because they can just get their needs met in real life, they don't have to attend a scene essentially, unless they've got something that's a bit more out there, submissive ways.

Yeah, I get that actually.

Yeah.

Does that make sense?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like all women that I've been with have been submissive, but then especially you, but then in the scene, there's like, I don't, I mean, very few.

I think a lot of them, one, don't put it on the internet.

A lot of them just do it with their partners.

And three, a lot of females have had really bad experiences.

So women sort of tend to not stick around long in the scene because it is oversaturated with male DOMs not knowing what they're doing and just being arseholes.

Female DOMs, DOMINATRIX is using them for profiting.

It's, you know, it must be quite a hard life for a female sub because you'll never know if someone's really using you or if they actually want you because they generally have a connection with you.

And that would be quite hard, I think.

Yeah, I see that sort of thing seems to be prevalent in the kink scene anyway.

Everybody's always trying to get something out of somebody.

That's why I was, how I was like in the beginning, I was nervous that you were going to be one of those people.

Yeah.

Not because of how you are, but just because that's what I've had.

Yeah, that was your experience.

You were sold a dream and you were told that you were loved and looked after and everything.

And then I know, you know, people, people's circumstances change and things might have been different and people's mental health might not have been as good and stuff.

And we don't want to bad mouth anyone and we don't want to shame anyone.

But I'll probably shame some people.

There's, there's a way that you treat people and there's a way that you don't.

And you've got to understand that even in kink, we are human beings and if you've, you've got like a degradation kink and things like that, like outside of filming and sessions, people do want to be treated like a human being.

Like, yeah, I think a lot of people in this industry forget that.

Like I said, people take the role and they take it really seriously and they do think that they're better than others and we're not, we're all the same.

It's just a, you know, I've got more power because that is my role doesn't mean I'm better than anyone.

It just means that that's what I enjoy and they enjoy looking up to me or having me advise them to do things because that's what they like.

It doesn't mean that I am more important.

It just means that we have different, different levels of what we like.

But yeah, it's all perspective, right?

Yeah, it's all perspective, but some people's perspectives are way off.

And then yeah, and then obviously it traumatized Kiki.

So when I first got hold of her, she was damaged goods.

She's like a rescue cat.

She was like a rescue, yeah, like a rescue kitten.

She was a stray and I had to tame her.

She was a feisty little number, but she settled in and she's, she's good.

Yeah.

But females are a lot harder than the boys.

You are, it has, yeah, and cause we're women as well.

We have just, it's a different relationship.

I can't explain it.

Women to women.

It's like guys, like guys are different from women.

You know, it's a completely different kettle of fish.

Women have a lot more range.

No, we're equal.

Okay.

I would say women have a more complex, women have a more complex range of emotions and women tend to feel more, especially within a session and a sexual connection and things like that.

Whereas men are much better at compartmentalizing it, which is something I've had to learn as a DOM.

I've had to compartmentalize parts of myself to protect my mental health and things like I do something crazy in a session and then like, Oh, I got to go out now and go to the shops or something and pretend to be a normal person, not a fucking alien.

Yeah, and I've just put my foot inside someone's anus and now I've got to go pick up a chicken and stuff that too.

Yeah, I just think men probably are slightly more, you know, maybe, no, that sounds, I don't want to say I'm not sexist.

I'm not anything, but I just do think that women have a more complex range of emotions and feelings.

And I think women view sex and relationships a lot different from men.

Yeah, yeah, I mean, yeah, women's emotions.

Yeah, it's a difficult one to discuss.

I mean, no, it's not that difficult.

See men have like, men have a certain range of colors that we know.

Yeah, you're like dogs, you're colorblind.

Women have got, like, we've got white, and then women have got white and got eggshell white and ivory, and they've got porcelain white, and they've got ivory, yeah, and so on and so on.

And that's, I think that's the difference, really, I suppose, is yeah, there's a lot more to your emotions.

So when I'm being hungry and horny and tired and the normal ones, but then you have all like the extras, like you've been overwhelmed, yeah, we're really progressive in our character.

Yeah, that's a good way of putting it progressive in your head.

So when we're playing Dungeons and Dragons later, that's going to be fun.

I'm going to unlock all these character traits.

So what is it we're doing later, because at this point, I still have no idea, we're going in an hour and a half.

We're literally going in an hour and a half.

So I've let two of my boys say last time we had the social, I got very overwhelmed because I decided to organize it.

And with me, I'm a bit of a perfectionist and I wanted to make things really, really nice for everyone.

And you're the most disorganized person I know.

And my ADHD, yeah, chaotic.

And I wanted to make it all nice and that and the wind was just blowing everywhere, balloons were popping and I was getting really stressed out, overstimulated, overwhelmed all of the overs.

And I was getting a bit snappy with everyone and everyone's like, oh no.

So I said, you know what?

Fuck this.

Next time, next social, you guys can organize it.

So I've left it in the capable hands of especially two people.

We'll see how capable they are later.

I wish you all the best boys.

And I've, I've, I've put the castle, we're doing it in a castle.

And then my sub poison addict is preparing a game of Dungeon and Dragons for us, because we're going to have a nerd out.

We are.

We are.

And it was his birthday last week.

So we're all going to do Dungeons and Dragons.

I've never done a Dungeons and Dragons.

I know where you get tea today.

Exciting.

I'm probably going to do it about eight beers deep.

That's okay.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's fine.

Excellent.

It's not kink.

You don't have to do it safely.

I think you just Dungeons and Dragons drunk.

Maybe that could be my kink.

Or Dungeons and Dragons drunk.

Yeah.

Excellent.

You want to be the Dungeon Master?

You can't be the Dungeon Master.

Poison addict is the Dungeon Master.

It's going to be really weird letting someone else be Dungeon Master.

Maybe I'll just let him train me on how to do that today then.

Yeah.

Maybe that could be my kink.

Dungeons and Dragons.

Dungeon Master.

Dungeons and Dragons.

So yeah, I think they've done, I've asked for an Alice in Wonderland themed tea party.

It's got hot tub and it's in a castle and yeah, we're going to play Dungeons and Dragons.

So we shall see, but the England match is on and I know a couple of them want to watch that too.

So the kickball.

That's all going on at the minute.

So we shall see.

It's a, yeah, I haven't been very well this week, so I haven't really, I haven't really spoke to anyone for like three, four weeks.

I've been proper ill.

We were away, then I've had COVID.

I haven't worked for like three weeks.

We went and did a normal holiday, didn't we?

We did a normal one and it made me ill.

It was, I don't know how to describe it.

It was like buttlens in Morocco.

Yeah, hot buttlens.

It's hot buttlens.

Yeah, don't want to do that again.

No, thanks.

So yeah, I'm back to work next week and I've got like so many sessions.

You have.

I know, I'm worried I'm going to burn out again.

I've got to stop.

I've got to not burn out this time.

You will.

I know, I've no doubt you'll burn out again, but then you can have another breakdown for a month.

So.

Yay.

A little manibee.

Oh, do you know what?

I've been doing this.

I've been doing it solidly for three years.

Solid.

Three years solid working.

No, longer than that.

No, I've been doing it longer, but in the beginning, I was having much more breaks and stuff, but I'm busy now, so.

Yeah, it's been solid.

And I've been renting out the dungeon recently, which has been nice.

Yeah.

Well, it's been poorly, so I've had a load of content creators come in, which has been nice.

Oh yeah, you had like four or something last week, didn't you?

So that's been good.

It's nice that it's getting used because if you don't use it, you'll lose it.

Just like your dicks, boys, come see me.

That's a great advert.

Yeah, just put that as your tagline on your website.

If you don't use it, you'll lose it, come see me.

Get a little t-shirt, couldn't I?

You could.

Oh my God, I'm going to get t-shirt printed.

Why not?

Put it on your business card.

I could.

I need to get a business card.

I used to have a business card and it went to my LinkedIn thing, but it wasn't very professional.

It was on like a piece of paper.

That sounds awful.

It's a weird card to hand out though, really, isn't it?

I don't know when you'd want to hand that card out when you'd need to.

At the supermarket, Sainsbury's if you see a hot daddy, like, hey boy, you want to come to the dungeon?

I don't know what that was.

I don't know.

That was my best chat.

That was awful.

All of that was awful.

What should we do?

Honk a tick, wak wak.

Come see me, boy.

Give you some correction.

So let's get back onto it.

All right, Kiki, how is it being owned by me?

You can explain to people what it's like, it's fucking awful help.

It's nice that the crying stopped, though.

Yeah, it's the crying stopped.

I'm an emotional being, what can I say?

I was having a time.

I got the crying out the way it's all done now.

But like, what is it?

What is it?

What is, I don't know.

Yeah, what's involved?

What do you have to do?

What extra do you have to do when you're collared that you didn't have to do before?

I'd say collaring is more a sign of your devotion to the dynamic and each other.

So you take things a lot more seriously.

It's not just, I don't know, like a fun thing to see each other for like a little session or a filming day.

It's more, but I'll always be there for Candy whenever she needs me.

Okay.

So you just go sort of up your game and looking after each other sort of thing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like a relationship.

It's like an eternity ring.

Like she can't, yeah.

Like she can't just fuck off and get fucked by another DOM.

Like she wants to go and work with someone else.

She'll have to come to me and ask because that's just respectful.

Whereas if I didn't own her in that, I wouldn't care so much.

Like, but because she is, I suppose, like my property, my property, my property.

My monopoly board is huge.

Build a hotel on an accident.

Yeah, it's just, you know, she has to be there for me.

I have to be there for her.

We've made a promise.

It's like, yeah, it's like a promise ring sort of thing.

Like I promise to look after you, you look after me.

A promise ring, that's what I mean.

Like I expect her to come to events.

I expect her, like, if I'm going to an event, she has to help me get ready.

She has to, you know, bring me a coffee, things like that.

Like being a bit of a personal assistant.

She has to hold your bags if you go on the ride out on the towers.

Got ya.

And like, you know, if people-

She's that guy.

She's protected, like, and if I'm out and about and I'm in public, she's protecting me.

She's like, oh, that person over there or that person wants to talk or like, she's, you know, she's always keeping an eye out.

If I'm busy doing stuff, then she'll be like making sure that in the background, I like the rest of them do.

That's why I always bring a posse with me because they're always like, oh, let's keep her away from this.

Let's do it.

Because they know that I get overwhelmed over stimulated.

And when I go to events and stuff, I have a lot of people trying to talk or just interrupting all the time.

So it's nice that they're there sometimes because they move the people away.

Move them away.

We're kind of like your bodyguards and PAs and friends.

Yeah, and I'm the same.

If I see something I don't like or someone's being mean or something, and then I'm like, give me the bat.

Let's go, bros.

Start batting people.

Yeah, well, like a big family, but you're not used to this dynamic that I have, like our socials and stuff.

You've not really experienced that before, have you?

It's not quite different, is it?

Yeah, but it's really nice though.

Like I enjoy being part of a stable.

It's like a weird dysfunctional kinky family.

How is that?

How is MP stable different to what you were involved in before?

There wasn't a stable before.

Oh, it was just it was just you and whoever it was.

People would have separate subs, but we weren't really like in contact.

Like there was no group chats or anything.

No group events?

No, not really.

No, no, like nothing going on.

Parties and stuff occasionally.

Parties, yeah, but never really nothing like getting a castle and going there to play Dungeons and Dragons.

Yeah, all like renting pools out and having pool parties and stuff.

Like it's not really a thing.

People don't really do that.

It's not.

I wonder if we're gonna start being more of a thing as if and when the podcast becomes more popular.

I think it would be nice.

It's nice to have that.

It's nice to have that gang because they have each other and I have them and they have me.

So when I've been, I haven't been around for like almost three weeks.

So they've all had each other to put up with because then they're like, oh God, I hope she's all right.

And they're so sweet.

And they bought me flowers and they've looked after me and everyone's made sure that I'm okay.

And so that's really nice to have that around you.

It just makes Kink a little less lonely because it is really isolating and lonely at times.

Yeah, we recorded a podcast, didn't we, last week?

That you decided not to put up because it was miserable.

I had to listen to it back and it made me want to hurt myself.

Oh, don't.

It's so miserable.

So that's why last week we didn't have a podcast because we did pre-record one, but I was on a burnout.

It's a bit like being on a come down.

Well, it's a difficult subject, right?

Because the subject was the dark side of Kink.

Yeah.

So it's difficult to make it lighthearted and there's no lighthearted in it at all.

Yeah, I know, but I think sometimes people need to hear it.

You can't be all just farts and roses.

I don't know if farts and roses are good things.

You can't be all farts and butt plugs, Dan.

Can it now?

I wonder if you could fart out a butt plug.

I'm going to give that a go.

I'm sure you can.

Well, anyway, well, there's a question for anybody that gives a fuck.

We've recorded one.

It's not cheery.

We can put it out or we can try and do the same subject again.

But funnier.

Well, just broken up a little, I think would be better.

Broken up like the sub that left me the policeman who now wants to come back into the lifestyle.

Fuck off.

They got the whole podcast last week was talking a lot about the sub that we touched on.

We recorded that we haven't found.

Yeah.

Right, we were talking about the policeman.

What did we say?

The one that went and contacted another DOMINATRIX.

Yeah, and then he hurt my feelings, and I was just saying, oh, when people do that, it's really shitty and stuff like that.

Well, guess who's come back?

Backstreet's back, all right.

Oh yeah, I keep sending like little coffee sends.

The chap's exhausting.

I am exhausted.

Put some context on this.

I know he listens to this as well, so fuck you.

People will be wondering what you mean.

Put some context on this.

I've had a sub, I've had him for a long time.

He has a cuckold fantasy.

That's his fetish.

He doesn't always see himself as a sub.

This is the chap who's, you've got the key to his flat, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it's been on and off for ages, and he promised me the last time.

He was like, no, this is what I want.

I want this lifestyle, I want this.

And so he was seeing me a lot more often, gave me the keys and everything, and then just mess me around again.

And I was like, I can't do this.

You're fucking up my head.

You're messing with my mental health because keep building a relationship with you.

And then you keep deciding it's not for you.

And this has been going on for ages.

And then I was just like, nope.

And so he was like, yeah, I'm just not, I'm just, you know, I'm gonna pine after you forever, blah, blah, blah.

And then two weeks later, contacted another DOMINATRIX that I know.

And she told me that he'd contacted her on fabswingers.com, really loyal.

And then I just was like, do you know what?

You're a scumbag, go fuck yourself.

So you chinned him off.

So I chinned him off for good.

And then he's just sort of, yeah, trying to come back again and is like, and stupidly I'm like, hello.

It's like a toxic fucking relationship, it's ridiculous.

Yeah, he's, I thought he was quite a nice chap.

He was, but his head is mental.

He's a nice, when he's nice, he's nice, but he needs to decide what he wants and he needs to definitely not ask people that I fucking know in the industry.

Maybe you just make that decision if he's not man enough to do it himself.

Yeah, which is what I have, so I just distance and I'm not talking, so.

But that's a part of the dark side is people will mess you around.

People forget that I'm a human being and people just look at you as a kink dispenser.

People don't talk to us like human beings, like what are some of the things that you've been asked?

Oh, yeah, I like funny stories, they're my favorite.

Let's finish this on a funny.

Oh, we haven't got finished yet.

We've got other bits.

We've got to pipe out first, but keep going.

Okay.

Go on, tell us one of your funny stories.

They're my favorite bits.

And give me your vape right now.

Oh, yes, I'm gonna keep stealing her vape.

That's the joys of being a DOM.

I bought her one yesterday and it didn't come.

Honestly, that is my DOM privilege.

And I use it all the time and she gets so fucked off with me.

I'm like, remember who's your DOM?

I'm fine with it now.

I know, but at the start, you fucking hated it.

Anyway, give me a funny story.

What are we working with?

Well, I've had people ask me to cut their dicks off.

What?

Delicious.

Why?

We're like a eunuch.

Like proper chop the whole thing off.

The whole meat and two veg?

And he offered me 20 grand for it first.

And I was like, you know, this is illegal, right?

And he was like, fine.

I'll give you 40 grand.

And then I was like, is it bad for I'm debating this?

Obviously I didn't do it.

And then they disappeared.

So it's more just a bit fantasist.

There's a lot of fantasists.

They'll message you and, oh, tell him the one that you did last week, the noose.

A noose.

She had a session.

I had a session.

I think it was on Tuesday with a guy.

He's been messaging me for a while.

He's quite scared of me.

I don't know why.

I'm very sweet and innocent.

I thought he was just going to be another one of those, oh, it'll message you loads and nothing will ever come from it.

But then he was like, right, I've got a deposit.

I'm ready.

Let's do this.

And I was like, perfect.

And he really likes fear play.

So I was doing a lot of mind fuckery getting into his head.

And then I put his boxes over his head and tied a noose around his neck and told him that I was going to hang him.

So I made him stand up on my chair with that around his neck.

And then I tied it to my banister.

And threatened to kick the chair.

And he was hard.

And I was telling him, oh yeah, he was dribbling everywhere.

And I was like, are you scared?

And he was like, yes please.

But yeah, it was just, it was very interesting.

And then I was telling him all the ways that I could chop him up and hide his body.

Yeah, I've got one like that.

How would you explain that if somebody walked in?

Well, my partner was due home at any point.

So I was like, you know, you might just walk into this.

And he was like, okay.

I have that guy, you've heard me do phone conversations.

I have a guy in Ireland who likes the idea of being executed.

It's, what are they called?

Execute tricks, aren't they?

Then there's women that specialize in, you know, like people have fantasies of ending their life in a kinky way.

Yeah, and so I have a guy that comes from Ireland and he constantly talks about like, how would I dispose his body?

How would I kill him?

And he loves that he gets off on it.

What?

Yeah, it's an aversive.

I really enjoyed it.

You've heard me do it.

You were like, who the fuck are you on the phone to?

You've got to remember, I hear-

You've deleted these out your mind.

I hear so much of this stuff, like every single day, that a lot of it, I just, it goes right over.

Yeah.

Cause I don't know what I do otherwise.

I struggle to sleep as it is.

And some of the stories that you hear, that I hear, haunt me.

Yeah.

There's men that will put like castration bands on their balls and cam girls and be like, oh, like I'm taking my balls off.

And people are like, nope.

And they're like proper blue.

You're like, no, take the bands off now.

And they're like, no.

And you're like, hang up.

I'm not being responsible for you being ball-less.

Swipe left on that one, huh?

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

That's awful.

But again, didn't know that was a thing that people read.

You get asked a lot for a Roman shower, don't you?

Oh yeah.

Ding, ding, ding, little Roman shower.

Do you know the Roman shower?

Do you like to take a Roman bath?

I know what it is.

I'm afraid to ask because then you have to describe it.

A little poopy shower.

A little poopy shower?

No.

What about a Roman bath?

So a Roman bath is period, isn't it?

Or is it Roman shower?

Which one is the period?

Which one is the poop?

I thought it was brown shower.

Brown shower.

And then yeah, the Roman shower is the...

I don't do it because I don't have periods.

Sorry, guys.

Fresh out of luck there, babes.

I had a guy who wanted to come to me every time I took my tampon out.

And I wanted to pull it out with his teeth.

And then suck it, suck it.

Get all that juice out.

And then he wanted me to put it in his ass and send him away.

And then get him back the next time I changed my tampon.

It's a lot of time consuming activity, isn't it?

Do you not realize how much you change a tampon?

It's not just like once a day.

It's like human toilet people who are like, yeah, I'll just wait around all day for you to poop.

It's when you get asked for hard sport sessions and they're like, oh, I just wait around all day for you to poop in my mouth.

And you're like, no, I don't always know when it's going to come.

Like, what is that?

Like, I can't guarantee this is ever going to be something I can do.

Because you just, well, apparently a few people do.

I know this girl and she gets flown to like the Isle of Man or something.

Oh, Isle of Wight, I don't know, either one is an isle.

And he flies her for the week and he just, yeah, she just shits in his mouth every time she needs to poo.

So she stays with him for a week and then he pays for her to have an all inclusive trip to Isle of Wight.

And she goes in gyms and everything and then does a little shit on his mouth, a little shit on his mouth.

Really?

Breakfast.

I don't know why anybody would want to do that.

Well, why not?

You're not a fan of Brown Town.

No, not really.

That's not for me, that one.

See, I always, when I was a kid, I always had this, I don't know what I'd watched, but it was someone shitting on a man's chest, and there was a coffee table involved.

And I can't remember the scene fully, but I always remember watching it and thinking, I vaguely remember that.

That was back in the day of one man, one jar and all that, wasn't it?

Kiki also shared this woman, I shit you not, whilst I was away, who got in, I'm not even joking, she went into a cow shed, and she went into the manure pit of the cow shed and started fucking herself and throwing up in this manure and just shoving dildos up her ass with manure and everything.

What's rolling around in you?

And I had-

She's fully submerged in it.

In shit, and then eating it and throwing it up, actual cow manure, there's cows in the background.

I was like, this is crazy.

And she's like a real extreme kinkist.

Is this another Twitter special?

And I was just like, Jesus Christ, how is she not getting ill?

So I did a bit of a deep dive and she was like, I always remember to take my folic acid.

I just wanted to know.

I was like, she's gotta be ill.

You've gotta get some sort of E coli or something.

And she went, no, always take folic acid.

Isn't that something you're pregnant chicks take?

Yeah, apparently folic acid protects you from getting ill from manure.

If you ever wanna wank or eat manure, then don't go giving anybody any weird ideas.

Dr.

Candy.

But yeah, no, and it was extreme.

And then I did a deep dive into her profile because I was like, what is this?

And then yeah, there was some crazy shit, like really extreme, like gang banging, like the real extreme women can take a lot.

And she was taking a fucking lot.

And there was a lot going on in that video.

Even I was shooketh to my chorus.

Yeah, I don't want to see that.

Bet you do though.

No, I absolutely do not want to see that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's haunting.

Well, she was having a great time, but.

Yeah, well, this podcast is pushing on.

Oh, do you want to get your question out of the way?

No, I need you to open your inbox.

I don't want to open my inbox.

I haven't got nothing in there.

I haven't even got my phone on me today.

You can't have it.

Well, then we're going to have to get our guest, Kiki, to open her inbox for the new section we've got in the podcast.

Open your inbox.

Why don't you open your inbox?

Open your inbox.

Tell us what you've got going.

Nothing.

I have nothing going on in my life.

Can someone send something to his inbox, please?

Legit, I have nothing in my inbox.

Everyone's laughing about the car pedal pumping video and the chicken nuggets.

The chicken nugget man.

Yeah, the chicken nugget man.

He was like, I'd like you to remove my limbs so I could be your chicken nugget.

I really want to get that on the T-shirt.

Candy's Happy Meal can be my nugs.

Such a weird thing, isn't it?

It is.

I talked about McDonald's a lot today.

Should we get one later?

Are you closing it?

Yeah, I think that's what it is.

I need a Big Mac and you can be my Big Tasty.

You got any funny ones?

Always go to the other other box.

That's the worst.

I had someone message me once about wanting me to pick them up in their car, strip them, throw them in my boot, tie them up, drive them to a roundabout, leave them on a roundabout and then drive away.

That's the whole thing?

Yeah, that's all he wanted.

I don't drive.

Give him my number.

I'd love to do that.

Can I assist?

You could set him up with a pedal guy.

They could work something out there.

Yeah, get a two for one.

There was another guy who wanted me to go meet him also in the car, run over his foot and then leave.

Just drive over his foot and then leave.

Have you got an inbox?

Have you got anything in there?

Come on, you must have one or two.

No, this is what I sent you a few days ago.

But oh, there was a guy who wanted a sub session with me and he wanted me to describe vintage motorbikes and how much I loved them while I was undressing for him.

Could you make the noise of the vintage motorcycle?

Do you think he's made you like a guy with a car?

There's a lot of weird car and vehicle questions.

I can't help you.

I wonder why that is then.

I suppose because men like cars and bikes, don't they?

And they're like women too, so.

I suppose it's like when you see a hot girl on a bike, you're like, oh, look at that hot girl on a bike.

Whereas they're like, oh, I wonder what it would sound like if she was explaining that hot bike and car to me.

Do you reckon?

Yeah, maybe people just like an audio description as opposed to a visual description.

When I see those pictures of that hot girl on a bike, I always go, she's got no idea how to ride that bike.

Every time, I let you come on a bike in those shoes, madam.

Disgusting, you're gonna scratch the paintwork.

Everyone's gonna see your tatars if you go out like that.

Oh dear.

Right, do you wanna have, I've got a Reddit question here.

Go on then.

That I was reading earlier on.

And I wanted to get your thoughts on it.

Do you want me to read it out?

Yes.

Because I think, to be fair, you've probably spoken enough.

You tell me off when I don't speak.

You tell me off when I do speak.

Right, so this is on the BDSM Advice Reddit, sub Reddit.

Where is it?

Right, my husband is leading a double life, and I'm shattered.

Me too, from seeing him all the time.

I don't even know if I can type this.

I'm shaking so badly.

I did everything for him, tried every kink, and loved him unconditionally.

He's been cheating on me with this group of BDSM goons.

BDSM goons?

Goons, sounds.

She sounds upset, this lady, for at least a year.

This isn't some random marriage.

I mean, we are truly madly, deeply in love.

I thought we are best friends, who I thought shared our deepest and darkest secrets.

He treats me so well and always talks about how I've changed him for the better.

I see genuine love in his eyes.

I cannot comprehend how he could do this to me.

And he still won't admit it.

He's mad at me for believing it, but it's true.

I came here for two questions.

Do men with this particular kink cheat often or have low empathy?

Because at this point, it seems he's either a narcissist or a sociopath.

He was doing this with our male and female friends whilst I was home and they were out back while I was with the kids.

So what kink, though, it doesn't say what kink.

Does she say in the post or was that all of it?

She says the specific kink.

Just says she's been cheating with a group of BDSM goons.

Goons!

Does she mean goons as in like actual gooning people?

Like people who like to goon over girls, or like just a derogatory term for idiots.

Do goons goon together?

Do goons gang together?

What is the plural of goon?

Gooners.

The goon-eyes.

What would a group of goons be?

The goonies.

The goonies.

Can somebody explain what a goon-er is?

I think you'd be better at explaining.

It's someone who, it's someone like you're gooning over porn, like you're wanking continuously, edging yourself over porn, getting addicted to like porn, and just constantly wanking, like you're gooning like, oh, I'm really hot for her, like a bit like obsessive almost, isn't it?

Like it's like a kink.

You kind of brainwash someone into having an obsession.

To porn or you, or both.

So you think that maybe that's the kink she's talking about?

I think regardless of what the kink is.

Sounds like maybe he's got a porn addiction or like a kink porn addiction.

Regardless of what the addiction is, the main question is, my husband is leading a double life.

He's basically cheating on her with his BDSM group.

What are your thoughts?

BDSM doesn't mean that you can cheat.

The two things are not related.

You can't, that's a very broad statement.

Do you know what I mean?

You can have BDSM and you don't have to cheat.

I think he's cheating because he wants to cheat.

Or I think it's a hard one because I think if you're honest with your partner, I know that some of my people have to hide what they do and stuff, but then that's because their partners won't accept or be able to do what they want them to do.

And I completely understand that because sometimes there isn't...

Do you reckon it's that they won't accept it or do you reckon it's because they've never had the conversation?

Could be both, really.

It might be both.

Because I've always...

So you have a projection.

Yeah, I've always said this.

I've always said, I've said this, any of this...

Oh my God, my brain.

I've always given this advice to anybody who's ever asked me about the kink sort of world and what it is you do and so on and so forth and how they'd, how they can progress their own relationships and do more in the bedroom.

I always say, just speak to your missus, man.

It's really, really simple, especially girls.

Because as I've said before, men will hump the couch if you leave them alone long enough.

If you go at your man with any of your weird kinks, he will probably indulge and give you a hand with it.

And it should work vice versa.

I've had subs, not subs, I've had partners frown at me and call me horrible names when I've told them I'm into certain kinks, even the more normal ones.

It's a fear of telling someone that you love something about you and them rejecting it and making you feel like a bad person for something you're not choosing to be and something that's a part of you.

Oh, then that person is not your person.

No.

But also at the same time, I think she's obviously tried to do the kinks and stuff with him.

I think maybe he's just a bit of an asshole.

Yeah.

Yeah, I think it might just fall around to that.

Yeah, I think she's brainwashed herself into thinking he's this lovely guy, but this part of BDSM is BDSM is bad and that, and it's not.

I just think he's a bit of an asshole and he's chosen to-

Yeah, and it's not a BDSM is bad post.

And I don't ever-

Advice section.

Yeah, I don't ever think, like I think if you can be honest with your partner, amazing, but I think sometimes you can't be, and that's okay, go and see a professional.

Don't be a sneaky little snake and just do it with any old one.

If you've got a genuine kink and needs that need to be itched, then I suppose you get one life, scratch them.

Yeah, scratch them and deal with the consequences, right?

Yeah, but I don't think he's the man that she thinks he is.

In that scenario.

Especially if she said, oh, let's do this all together, or let me do this, or I support that and that, then I don't feel like we're getting the full story there either.

It's really hard to judge.

He can no longer use the getting his kinks met as the excuse if she's willing to facilitate them, right?

If she was willing to try all of them, he should be willing enough to actually tell her what he's doing.

Or the guy's just a dick, bin him off, that's why I advise.

Or deal with it.

And they just paint people who are into kink in a bad light.

They make us all look like dickheads.

Yeah, I mean, in any sort of sex scene, everyone's having affairs and doing whatever it is they do.

It's not just commonly known in everything.

Every office block, every job, it's rife everywhere.

Offices are the worst for it.

Do you know what the worst place for it is?

The vets.

No.

I don't know what the politically correct term for them is, but those old people homes.

Oh yeah, they're rife aren't they?

Yeah.

I got so many people, friends that work in it, and they describe it in awful graphics.

Oh people are horny aren't they?

Even if their dicks don't work, they're still horny.

They are going at it nonstop.

They are.

Yeah.

Do you know what?

I saw a guy that used to DOM back in the day, like real back in the day, and he was a bit older, and I all used to DOM him.

And I honestly thought he was dead.

No, I saw him in Sainsbury's.

He was, he's fucking old though, like really like 90 something.

And I was like, man, I used to be the shit, are you?

I think the poor guy's got dementia.

Do you think?

Yeah, he didn't, he wasn't, yeah.

He wasn't all there.

Maybe he was just pretending like he didn't know you.

Let's be honest.

Bless him, but yeah, that was a pass from the past.

And even when I first started doing it with him, he was fucking old then.

So, and that was like 15 years ago.

Oh really?

Yeah, when I used to do it for a little bit of extra pocket money now and then.

A little side quest.

Hello, where's that pocket money?

Yeah, and he was fucking old then.

I thought he was like, yeah, he was like in his 80s or something.

He taught me loads actually, to be fair.

He did what?

He taught me loads.

His wife used to be DOM, and he taught me loads of stuff.

Yeah.

Oh crikey.

Yeah.

In Sainsbury's of all places.

I know, so in Sainsbury's.

Maybe I should get back on the client roster.

I'm on that bombshell, ladies and gentlemen.

I'll see you in Sainsbury's.

We'll see you in Sainsbury's.

That's enough for us, isn't it really?

Yeah, we've got to go and play Dungeons and Dragons.

Have you got a call to action?

You got anything you want people to do?

You want to go and like the instant page?

Oh yeah, like all of the stuff, guys.

Like put some reviews up, help a girl out.

Yeah, reviews are very helpful.

Reviews are good, liking it, sharing it, loving it.

The more you do that, the more we can chat the shit.

Yeah, if anybody wants to say I'm handsome in my inbox or something.

Yeah, send them a little message.

Maybe you could have a human nugget of your own.

I think I'm all right.

Why not?

Maybe we could get you doing some pedal pumping videos.

Can someone ease my workload and give Dan some stuff to do, please?

You know what, I could, you know what?

That's my kink.

Dom Daddy Dan.

That could be my kink.

I don't mind doing that one.

Yeah.

I don't mind stepping on a pedal.

Do it.

Anyone's got an old banger who wants to pay Dan.

I've already got one of them.

I don't need another, thanks.

Put his delightfully crocked feet onto the pedal.

Not the crocs.

The crocs.

I need another old banger in my life.

No, thanks.

Fuck you.

You're ridiculous.

People pay for this.

You're outrageous.

Get out.

I love you, bird.

Right.

That's enough from us.

See you later, Cockhens.

Peace out, bitches.