Episode 02: Call Me Dan Vandal

In this episode you get to know a bit more about me, Dan Vandal and what makes me tick in the world of my wife, the Dominatrix! Listen as I get asked some tricky questions about my everyday life, living with MP and gasp in awe at how brilliant I am at dodging some of her questions.

Transcript (Auto Generated)

Welcome, welcome, welcome, ladies and perverts.

No, no, no, no, no.

Quit, this is my part.

You don't do this part, I do this part.

Yeah, shut up.

You're just doing the questions today.

Fine.

So welcome, welcome, ladies and perverts, to my brand new podcast, My wife is a DOMINATRIX.

Today with me, Dan Vandal, and the very beautiful MP.

The minister of parliament.

So today we're mixing things up a little, right?

The last episode, I asked you a load of generic questions about being a DOMINATRIX.

Yes, very generic.

And today you're asking me some generic questions about being handsome, clever, and funny or something, right?

That's what you're doing?

Absolutely not.

All right, what are we doing?

We are asking some basic questions to get to know you a little bit more.

Any particular reason?

I don't know, it could be fun.

Yeah, let's do it then, go on.

I might learn a thing or two.

Well, normally I start this by asking you how your week's been and what sort of stuff you've been up to, but...

No, let's kick into it, and then we can talk about me later.

Today is all about Dan Vandals.

Yeah, go on.

Are you ready to be submissive?

Get it, girl.

Okay, actually, that leads me to my first question.

Are you submissive at all?

Submissive at all?

Mm-hmm.

What, in like the sexual sense, or...

Yeah, not like every day, but I mean, like, we're talking sex-wise, so this is all about sexuality and sexiness.

Boning.

Yeah, no, I don't think so.

No, you've never had a situation sexually where you've been quite submissive, or you've enjoyed it, or...

No, no, I don't think I did, I don't, no.

I'm not, not really.

It's not, no, it's not kind of the thing I'm into.

Is dominant and submissive even a thing, or are you just into vanilla?

Or are there, like, some bits that you like that aren't vanilla?

Yeah, I mean, we've done all sorts of crazy and wild things, right?

Yeah.

I think more crazy and wild than the majority of people out there.

You never know what's going on behind closed doors, but yeah, I could imagine we've got more of a wild one.

We've ticked most of the boxes, right?

We've, wait, we've ticked a fair few.

I wouldn't say all of them.

I think we've caught most of the Pokemon.

We have gotta catch them all, Pokemon.

Don't you reckon?

Indeed, indeed.

So there's not a bit of you that's like a tiny bit submissive, or you'd like to try a little thing, just a little thing.

Like the idea of pain and sexy stuff going together to me makes zero sense.

Okay, but it's not all about pain, as we have discovered.

So what if it wasn't pain?

What if it was you just taking a seat in the back and letting someone else take control?

Give me like a scenario.

I don't know, like you're tied up, you're blindfolded, and then you're just used to how I want to use you.

Do you know what I mean?

That's gentle.

That's a very gentle-

Am I going to get hurt?

No, not unless you piss me off.

Are you going to pinch me or anything?

I might do, depending on how copper you are.

No, okay, no pinching, no pinching.

No pinching, just the tip.

I mean, perhaps, I mean, I don't say no to pretty much anything unless I've tried it once.

So I would definitely try it, or at least go through the thought process of trying it.

The funny thing is we haven't actually tried it.

We haven't actually tried it.

That's so strange.

We've been together, what, three years?

Yeah, but we never really, yeah.

We usually like, you know, in the moment, we don't ever go, right, stop.

Everybody stop what they're doing.

You sit down.

I'm going to tie you up.

Put your collar on.

Be a good boy.

Put your collar on.

Then we're going to talk about our feelings.

Yeah, we don't really, it's not a thing.

Like, you don't, like, I don't know how to explain it.

Having sex is not like a regimented thought out process.

Your chair is so squeaky.

I know, so squeaky.

Not a regimented thought out process.

You don't sort of make a plan and draw a diagram and say, right, this is how we're going to bang today.

No, not at all.

But for instance, some couples who are heavily into kink and role play, they will go in there with a set plan.

So like, I suppose it's like any role play, like the woman dresses up or the man dresses up as a fireman and then you sort of go into a role play or it's things like that.

Whereas we don't tend to even plan it.

It just happens.

We're very spontaneous as opposed to, okay, Wednesday night, we're going to do this.

We bang when we bang.

Yeah, I think if you get to the point where you have to draw up a script, I'm already lost.

I can't be bothered anymore.

But some people have to.

Some people have really busy lives, and they can only bang in certain opportunities.

We're quite lucky that we can bang most times, I guess.

It's not a pre-rotor.

Like, this is our two-week rotor for bangering.

Yeah, like Wednesday, 7pm, missionary.

We've got 12 minutes.

I don't think people actually go for the positioning, but yeah, I have friends that actually have set nights of sex.

They're like, I'm busy this day, so we have to do it on a Wednesday and a Friday because I have this going on.

And I actually, yeah, there are people like that.

That sounds hideous.

I would not be involved.

Different strokes for different folks.

I could not do that.

No, that does not sound enjoyable in any way, shape or form.

There we go.

It sounds about as enjoyable as Coronation Street.

Office job.

What?

I said it sounds as enjoyable as an office job.

Yeah, if you like, yeah.

Okay, right, let's get into it.

How do you feel being with a DOM?

What feelings does my work bring up in you?

Example, jealousy, sadness, insecurities.

Yeah.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Oh, like...

Yeah, how do you feel?

Human emotions.

Yeah, like your wife is a DOM.

Oh, she must be having sex with everyone.

And you're like, well, well, well, well, let's get past that first.

We don't have sex unless it's pegging, which is in the bumhole.

And I'm not doing anything.

I don't care for that either.

Thank you.

No, that's fine.

But like, how do you feel?

Like, if someone's like, oh, Dan, how do you feel about this this day?

Like, your wife's a DOM.

How does that make you feel?

How do you feel about it all?

How does it make me feel?

I don't know, really.

I mean, it's difficult.

Let's be honest.

It is really, really difficult sometimes.

Why?

You spend the vast majority, let's say 90% of our time together, you spend on your phone working, right?

Yeah, not 90, I'd say like 8.

89%?

80.

Okay, 89% of our time together, you will spend not on your phone working.

Doesn't matter what time of day or night it is, right?

You never know when these perverts are going to be horny, baby.

That's right, you've got a lot of horny perverts on your phone.

And that takes away a lot from us being us.

And the only time we get to do us is when we're doing something where you can't have your phone in your hand.

That's true.

So, like, if we're gaming together, or we're out on the motorbikes together, or we're kayaking or rock climbing, essentially, that is the only time we get to be just you and I, right?

Yeah, but those are the things we most enjoy anyway.

So that's kind of draining.

I find that really draining.

Like, we can't ever just have a, like, a 10-minute, yeah, even a 10-minute, like, cuddle in bed just doing nothing because you'll be on your phone.

Yeah.

So that's the thing that I struggle with the most.

But how do you feel?

Like, I'm in a session.

You know I'm in a session.

You know what I'm up to.

How does that make you feel?

Do you feel jealous?

Worried.

Do you feel sad?

Do you feel...

Worried.

Okay, why?

Because, yeah, I worry more for your safety, I guess.

I'm all right.

Once you've seen the same person a few times, I sort of...

it doesn't bother me in the slightest.

I'm like, no, she's cool, she's all right.

But do you worry, like, something under ward could be going on?

Or is there ever a doubt in your mind, like, oh, they could be doing the bumpies, or I don't know.

I don't know what you call it.

Like, there could be something else going on, or like, is there like an insecurity around it?

Or like, do you 100% trust?

Sometimes.

Yeah, sometimes there's an insecurity around it.

Yeah, but then it's all, you know, depends what's happening and in what circumstance and stuff like that.

I just wondered the element of trust.

Like, do you fully trust me?

Well, you must do, because I was, you know, it would be very difficult me doing what I'm doing.

Yeah.

Do I fully trust you?

I don't know.

Oh, gosh.

I don't know if I fully trust you.

Yeah, I mean, like, pretty much, because I just let you get on with it.

I don't...

You do.

You do.

I just wondered.

Like, I don't trust that you'd be able to look after yourself if something went wrong.

Oh, trust me, I would be able to look after myself.

There's enough equipment.

I would just literally end someone's life with my double-ended dildo.

Imagine being battered to death with a double-ended dildo.

And those things are really fucking heavy.

That's definitely the way to go, isn't it?

Have you ever seen a woman hit someone with a double-ended dildo?

Yes, you.

Many, many times.

Well, it's painful.

You can actually knock someone out with a dildo.

No jokes.

Really?

Yeah, 100%.

You can knock someone out.

You can hit them that hard.

It's a blunt object.

You can literally do so much damage, not just in the bumhole, but proper.

That would make such a great YouTube video, wouldn't it?

So much damage, but not just in the bumhole.

Yeah, you could do proper damage.

It's hilarious.

Yeah, but that's the only time I worry for your safety more than worry that you're going to run off with somebody, if that makes sense.

Yeah, that's good.

If you're going to run off with somebody, I'm not going to stop you by any means.

I'll help you pack.

It just means we weren't meant to be.

If that sort of thing happens, does that make sense?

Yeah, that makes sense.

Perfect sense.

Okay, let's talk about you.

What are your kinks?

Everyone has kinks that they like, things that they like sexually.

What does Daniel like?

What do I like?

Yeah.

I like...

Young sluts with pig tails and school uniforms.

Yeah, everybody likes that.

I like...

You probably won't understand this.

You know when you've been at work...

Actually, I know you won't understand this.

You know when you've been at work for 12 hours straight, and you're like super exhausted.

I mean, you won't understand what that is.

But anybody else that's listening, you know when you've been at work for 12 hours straight, and you're super, super exhausted, and you come home, and you open the door up, and there's nobody home.

That.

That is not a kink, you asshole.

No.

You know, there's just no one here, and you can sort of kick your shoes off, put the kettle on, or grab a beer out the fridge.

That's ridiculous.

I was talking about sexual kinks.

Stop talking now.

And it's just quiet.

You know, there's nobody saying, can you do this?

Can you get that?

Can you make that?

Oh, my God.

That's what it's all about.

I've got tingles.

I've got tingles right now.

That gives you a massive erection.

Yeah.

I've got tingles going up and down my back right now.

How excited I am that that might happen again this week.

Well, it's not, so don't look forward to it.

Yeah, but that's...

Come on, kinks.

Stop it.

Stop evading.

Sexy kinks.

Sexy kinks.

Come on.

Like, top three kinks.

Top three kinks.

What do you like?

Like, some people like feet.

Some people like boobies.

Oh, God, feet.

No, thank you.

Some people like, I don't know, like milfs.

Some people, like, there's loads of subsections, isn't there?

There's too many, I think.

Perhaps.

I think we've given the floor away.

We've said, right, yeah, guys, you can just run with it now.

Whatever you want to call it.

Just go mad.

I like people dressed up as a peanut butter tub.

And if anybody says anything, derogatory.

Derogatory.

Oh, my God, my brain's not working.

That, yeah.

Then you get, then you're blamed for kink shaming.

Like, come on now.

It's not kink shaming.

Some stuff is weird, and I'm allowed to say it's weird.

Get over it.

You like snails on my eyelids.

But no, I like, I like, I don't know.

I don't, I'm not sure.

What are my kinks?

I'm not sure.

I don't know.

I'm not you.

Yeah, but we've been together a fair while.

You like double-blow jobs?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's not like a kink though, is it?

Yeah, it's a thing.

Is it?

Yeah, you could classify it as a kink.

Because some people might not.

What else do you like?

I hope your mum's not listening to this.

My mum will listen.

Okay, well, your son really enjoys.

Really enjoys coming home to a quiet house.

A quiet house and a very nice cat.

But no, I mean, I don't know really.

I don't have anything particularly outlandish, do I?

No, nothing really.

You're actually quite vanilla, which is crazy because I'm not.

Yeah, I can't be doing with a pump and frivery or it all.

I just want it to...

You just like sex.

I just, yeah.

Just like sex, a bit of titties, a bit of bum slapping sometimes on me, not him.

My man friends often speak about that.

They're like, oh, are you a bum or a boob man?

I'm like, I don't really care.

As long as they're not a dickhead.

I'm a cup of tea man.

Yeah.

I'm a cup of tea and a sandwich sort of man.

I don't care.

As long as she can carry a cup of tea and a sandwich and she's not...

On her breasts.

I don't really mind too much.

Okay, well, I am not any of those things.

What do you mean?

Well, I'm gobby, not very good at making tea.

What are you talking about?

You made like 12 cups of tea the other night.

Yeah, I was stoned.

You were.

We were all very stoned.

And you were dressed up like Lady Hitler.

No, it was Titler.

That's why I named you Titler.

I know.

We were going to do a podcast about that, but we were both not in a great place to do it at the time, right?

No, it probably wouldn't have made sense.

It would have made sense to you and I and anybody else that was there at the time.

Socially distanced, COVID.

With our masks on.

Yeah, we were.

But yeah, we could not have done that.

It was a great idea at the time.

We should have done it just to record it and see what it sounded like the next day.

It would have sounded like crap.

It would have made zero sense.

Exactly.

So shut up.

Right, next one.

How do you cope with the attention that I get from mails and like online stuff?

How do you deal with the attention?

Do you feel like a bit pushed out?

Do you feel a bit jealous sometimes?

Oh, Christ.

I feel pushed out all the time.

Yeah, quite often feel like I don't exist.

Oh no, here's the violin.

Yeah, like I don't exist, or I'm just in the way almost.

Well, you kind of are.

Yeah.

But that's about it, really.

I don't feel jealous.

I'm not worried too much.

Like I said, if you're going to do it, you're going to do it.

I'm not going to stop you.

I'll help you, in fact.

But yeah, I feel like I'm missing out sometimes because we...

And this is going to sound a bit odd, but when you started this adventure of yours, we sort of did it all together, didn't we?

Yeah, but this is more me than you now.

Yeah.

So yeah, I feel like I'm not helping anymore, and I hate the fact that I'm not helping.

Does that make sense?

Yeah, it does make sense, but at the same time, I have to do...

But I know that I don't need to.

I know you've got this.

I have to do my own thing.

It's a bit like, right, you men out there that are listening to this will get this.

But when your lady goes in to have a baby, and she's like in screaming agony, and the doctors there are doing their thing, and you're just sort of stood around with your hands in your pockets, not really knowing where to look or what to do or what to say, it's that, but like all the time.

You have that feeling all the time.

I'm never sure what I can do to help or what I should say or anything like that.

And when you do say stuff, it's usually the wrong thing to say.

Is it kind of like as well when you first had a baby, and the woman is just obsessed with the baby, and you're sidelined, and you're like, no, no, no, no, I've got this, thank you, thank you.

And you're like, oh, can I, no, no.

I can't get you.

I get you there.

So that's really hard, because I'm an ideas man, aren't I?

I'm an ideas man and a bit of a wordsmith.

So I come up with a lot of great stuff.

You say, what do you think about blah, blah?

And I go, oh, you should do this.

And you're like, oh, my God, that's a fucking great idea.

And then occasionally you're like, yeah, that's it.

Cool, I helped out a little bit there.

But yeah, the majority of the time is difficult, I guess.

Difficult to deal with.

For me anyway, maybe somebody that's less submissive and doesn't want to be involved, maybe is great.

But you have your own things that you're doing as well.

Oh, yeah, I got my own shit going on.

I got my own life to live.

And I don't know half the shit that you're doing.

I don't get involved in that sort of stuff because one...

It would confuse you.

Yeah, exactly.

And two, I don't give a shit.

No, I'm joking.

I'm joking.

Yeah, you're a little self-obsessed.

Oh, my God.

I'm going to get that double-ended dildo and batter you in a minute if you don't calm down.

Shut up.

Don't make me use it on you.

What were your misconceptions of DOM work?

When I first started, like, what were your misconceptions?

My misconceptions?

Yeah, like everyone has misconceptions, don't they?

I think, yeah, well, like, the general public, the majority of people, when you say to them, I'm a DOMINATRIX, they have, like, a set of flashcards that pop into their mind.

They're like, do you have sex with them?

And I'm like, no, in the bumhole.

Which is essentially that kind of stuff.

They're like, oh, so essentially you're just like a posh whore, right?

You're like a posh prostitute.

That's what happens to me when I say no to someone.

They're like, yeah, well, you're just a prostitute anyway.

I'm like, yeah, but I'm not.

Yeah, so essentially people think you just you you charge more for hand jobs, right?

That's what people think when you say you're a DOMINATRIX, don't they?

Yeah.

But I'd already when we spoke about this, I'd already done a shit ton of research and looked into it all and kind of knew most of it, right?

I mean, I still do.

I still know, you know, a vast majority.

So I don't really think I had a lot of misconceptions.

There's probably like a brief five minute period between us saying, yeah, this is great.

Let's do it.

And me doing all the research.

I was like, hold on.

What's going to be involved here?

But I can't remember what I was thinking in that in that brief five minute gap.

I mean, does that make sense?

Yeah, that makes sense.

So I'm not sure that I had many misconceptions.

I didn't think you'd be as busy as you are.

I'm not because I thought you weren't going to be very good, but because I didn't think that demand was going to be as high as it is.

It's absolutely huge.

There are so many perverts in the world.

I love it.

I'm just running that through my mind.

Did that make sense?

Yeah, that totally made sense.

Yeah, I just didn't.

I just did not realize it was going to.

You thought it was going to be really niche and like a tiny market.

It's like when you have a new company.

I thought you might see a couple of people a week, perhaps, and that would be it.

I didn't realize it was going to encompass everything we did.

Yeah, it's huge.

Like, it's not until you actually get into it that you realize, like, if you're a very vanilla person, then you would never, ever know.

But because I have all these secret doors, it's like The Matrix.

Once you've opened these doors, you're opening doors all left, right, and center.

You just go down the rabbit hole.

It's ridiculous.

Every single fetish has a subsection of fetish, and it's just crazy.

It goes on forever and ever and ever, and it always will because sex sells.

And sex is different to every single person.

Every single person, sex in its purest form is just sex, but then you have people who don't just get off on sex.

They get off on fetish sex, so like latex sex.

So sex to them is boring unless they're dressed in a particular fabric, so like latex, PVC, leather, rubber, all of those different things.

So sex to people is completely different to each person.

Yeah.

Oh yeah, completely different.

It always amazes me how people get to that stage.

I always want to know, how did you figure out that you only liked or you really enjoyed sex when you are wearing a dog hat?

Okay, so basically, I can break that down for you real easy.

So generally, a kink and a fetish comes from an experience that's happened to you in your adolescence.

It's generally around the age of puberty and you've either seen something that's imprinted on you, or you've experienced something that's made you feel a particular way, or you've watched a pornography that's set a fire in your mind, and you've researched deeper and deeper into it, and it's become almost like a habit, like an addiction.

That's how a lot of submissives have, you know, they know.

It's like a feeling.

It's like an adrenaline feeling.

And they search their whole lives for this feeling, and they're like, oh, I wonder where that came from.

And then I talk to a lot of them, and I say, you know, what happened when you were younger?

They're like, oh, yeah, this, this.

And then if you go back far enough, most of the time you can connect it to certain things.

I have cleaning subs who were cleaning for their auntie who had massive titties, and they used to go round and help their auntie because they get to look at her massive titties on the sly, and that's where their fetish of cleaning.

So they've now like paired up with, oh, if I clean, this gives me this feeling, and this, so that's where it comes from.

It always comes from an adolescent experience, always.

My auntie has a massive forehead.

Does that count?

No, not unless you're into foreheads.

Yeah, but I always, whenever you just speak about some of the clients and stuff you've met, I always wanna like, I'm always like, oh, did you ask them blah, blah?

And you're like, no.

I'm like, oh, why?

It was a bit hard to when they were like gagged and taped to the wall.

I wanna know why that guy likes being walked around in the forest whilst wearing a dog mask, for instance.

Because it's a humiliation.

Something happened to them that obviously humiliated them as a teenager, but at the same time, it turned them on slightly.

A lot of people get turned on by sexual fear.

Sexual fear is a huge thing.

Yeah, being scared, it also heightens their sexual tension.

And yeah, a lot of guys, especially small-penis men, they love this small-penis humiliation.

They've turned something that could be a tiny penis, which is generally embarrassing, into a fetish, into a kink.

So it's more acceptable.

Do you see what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, no, of course.

I totally get it.

I just want to know individual case-wise.

Like, what the fuck, dude?

I always want to know why, and where, and how, and when.

I think it's because I'm naturally really nosy, right?

So from now on, anytime I get a client, I'm literally going to chain them up on the cross.

I'm going to blindfold them.

I'm going to be like, right, I'm actually going to interview you right now, sir.

So this is your session.

Could you record it so I can put it into the podcast?

And every answer I don't like, you're going to get fucking beat.

All right, laddie.

Actually, you're going to do that, aren't you?

You're going to speak to a few of them and see which of them want to come and do an interview with me, aren't you?

I've got a couple, yeah, I've got a couple in mind.

That'd be cool.

Yeah, no, I've got a couple in mind.

Some are quite extreme, and some are just really like me.

Yeah, no, I want to speak to them all.

Why not all of them?

Some of them are just...

I want to speak to them.

You leave my lovely songs alone.

I want to speak to some of them, and I want to know.

I want to know the details.

Because I'm nosy as.

What kink do you least like?

Of all the kinks that I normally deal with, what is the one that you're like...

Which is the one that you don't like me doing?

That I don't like you doing?

Yeah, or you just think, oh my god.

You know, like, is there any?

I don't like anything that involves feet or vomit.

I don't really do a lot of vomit, so...

You've done a couple.

Yeah, I've done one where the guy drank a load of milk and then vomited.

It's not the same.

It's not proper vomit.

It's not, like...

Yeah, no, no, I don't mean you vomiting.

I just mean anybody that even pretends they're near the edge of...

If I hear somebody vomiting from, like, 100 paces away, that's me done.

I'm going home for the night.

I can't stand it.

See, the feet thing is one of my favorites.

I absolutely love a foot massage.

Oh, my God.

It, like...

Yeah...

.

bloody love it.

And you just hate feet.

Whenever I ask you to massage them, you're like, nope, nope.

Not a fucking chance.

So I am so glad that I have some foot fetish people in my life.

You've got loads of foot fetish people as well.

And my feet aren't even that particularly nice.

They're hanging.

Shut up.

It's just because you don't like feet.

Shut up.

I take very good care of my feet.

The feet thing is not...

I'm not a fan of the feet thing.

I'm not a fan of anything that's particularly messy.

See, those are all my favorite things.

I love messy.

Yeah.

I like the oily...

oil play or whatever it's called.

But not like mashed up banana and all that.

No, thanks.

I think it's quite fun.

I really like doing that stuff.

No, there's too much involved.

You've got to have a shower.

Somebody's got to clean the mess up.

And I know it's not going to be you.

You're not going to be fucking cleaning it up.

My dungeon is absolutely immaculate.

Because you have cleaning slaves.

No.

I'm not stupid.

I have to sterilize everything.

I know what you do.

I see you every day.

I have to sterilize all the equipment.

It is one of the highest priorities, actually.

The ones I don't like, I'm not a fan of you doing the face-sitting thing.

No.

But you don't get it.

It's just a bit too on the edge for me.

I just, yeah.

Like, you're my missus and that.

I don't, yeah.

I know, but I rarely sit on your face, so you're all right.

I'm not a fan of that.

I think that's probably about it, really.

Yeah, that's about it.

As I said earlier, the thing that not annoys me, the thing that grinds me the most is, yeah, the amount of time you spend putting into the work, but then you have to, because otherwise you wouldn't have it, right?

And then I wouldn't be one of the best.

So you got to invest.

I had a song just pop into my head then.

Simply the best.

No, is it Danny Loggins?

I have no idea what you're talking about.

The song, the song from Krotty Kid.

You're the best around.

I'm gonna beat you with my doodle now.

Yeah, that song popped into my head then.

Okay, what's the worst thing?

Kenny Loggins?

Oh my, Kenny, yeah, Kenny, not Donny.

No, that's bloody, what's that aeroplane film?

Tom Cruise, that's that one.

Top Gun.

I'm getting muddled.

Yeah, stop it now.

Stop it now.

Okay, what's the worst thing I've done as a DOM that's freaked you out?

The worst thing you've done as a DOM that's freaked you out?

Actually, I'm gonna answer that in just a second.

I'm gonna go to the little boy's room, and you can put out some...

And think about that time that I made that guy sick in the toilet with the worms.

Enjoy your toilet.

You can speak to the audience for a minute whilst I vacate.

Yeah, keep them busy with a story of...

Well, here's a story all about how my life got turned upside down.

I really don't know what to say in this bit.

Can you be quick so that I don't have to talk too much?

So, yeah, basically, here I am on my own.

Hello, everybody.

So I'll tell you a bit about my week.

How did my week go?

It's half term, so all the kids are off this week.

Everywhere is busy, busy, busy.

I did, however, get to take one of my slaves out into the forest and the little walkies.

He is a dog, puppy, and he likes to just do pet play sort of thing.

So he goes out on his collar and his leash.

He doesn't go on all fours unless I make him, unless he's suitably wearing the right clothing.

Otherwise, it's really, really mucky.

But, yeah, I took my puppy for a walk.

He's got a bone that he fetches, and he gets little chocolate orange treats and stuff.

He's a good boy.

Who else did I say?

Oh, I pegged an old dude, as you do.

I've got a few lined up next week as well.

I've got a latex one.

What else have I got?

A latex one and a general sort of domination one, which is...

I've got some specialized fetish in it.

Sogar smoking, breath play, and a lot of cock and ball torture, although they don't know that I'm doing it yet.

It was Joe Esposito.

I don't know who he is.

He's the guy that sang that song, you're the best.

Oh, okay, did you have to Google that one?

Yeah.

Oh, God, that's why you went.

Yeah.

Prithetic.

I was just talking about what I've got coming up in the week.

You have another busy week, right?

I do.

Do you know what?

Sometimes you get real quiet weeks, and on those quiet weeks, I seem to really dominate online.

So I do really, really well one week online, because obviously not all subs can get to me in real life, and it's been COVID.

And the weeks that I am quiet, I tend to do all sorts online.

So this week, I had a guy in Chastity, and he locked his dick away in a metal cage on the other side of the country, took a picture, had a combination lock, and then deleted the picture.

So I've got the code, and this guy hasn't got the code at all.

It's not on his telephone.

Bullshit.

Well, you've got to believe.

Well, anyway, the task was three to seven days of Chastity locked in, and he'll pay me for the pleasure of access to me.

And all week, I'm teasing him, and I'm like, do this, do that.

You've got to punch yourself in the balls.

So basically, he's got to earn the right to unlock his dick.

What?

Yeah, so that's his kink.

I've got the control.

Oh, wait, you've done this before.

You've had keys and stuff sent to you in the post.

Yeah, so I am a key holder.

So basically, Chastity is when guys lock their dicks in cages, which to be fair, the world would be such a better place if women had control of the dicks.

There'd be so much less rape and things like that.

It would be brilliant.

So basically, their dicks are locked away in a metal Chastity cage, and I get the key.

And sometimes they have a spare key, sometimes they don't, you know, in case of emergency, so I might have to meet up with them, you know, like a bike accident or something.

Imagine that, getting into like a car accident, and they're like, oh, sorry, you've got a cage on your penis, and I'm like, it's okay, I'm here.

I'm here to unlock.

I'm here to unlock the cock.

It's me.

Like a cock-o-medic.

Doctor MP, a cock-o-medic.

That'd be brilliant.

That'd be so funny.

Anyway, I forgot your question as I left the room.

Oh, I can't remember.

But we're just talking about Chesty.

So anyway, so yeah, they're locked up, and then I spend the week denying them and teasing them.

So they're just getting hard and restricted in their cage.

They become a bit frenzied because their balls become really full, and they're like, I really want to come.

I really want to come.

And it gets them in this like subspace.

And when they're in subspace, it's called simping and gooning, the terms.

Yeah, these are like modern millennial terms.

Simping and gooning, honestly.

Modern millennial.

No, they really are.

Like, you know, like slang words that teenagers make up.

Yeah.

They're like, oh, simp for me.

I cringe at that word.

I hate it.

Like, simp for me, guys.

You know that someone is like a 14-year-old Findom DOMINATRIX when they're like, simp for me.

You're like, no, no.

So yeah, there's these.

Oh, like I said, new word they learn on the telly.

On the internet.

Yeah, literally on the internet, and that's it.

Yeah.

And so, yeah, they get into this subspace where you can make a man do anything for you because you have his penis in your control.

And he's desperate to come.

Like his balls are full.

He's really busting out of this cage.

Like he really wants to.

And you get this sort of head space, I'm told, where you just sort of like, I'll do anything.

I'll do anything.

Oh, let me do.

It's a bit like when you're having sex and you're really close to coming.

See, now here's the thing before you carry on.

How on God's green earth did you figure out that having your cock and bollocks in a baked bean tin is for you?

It's just fun.

I don't know.

Do you see what I mean?

How did you get to that point?

At which point did you go, you know what I need to do?

I need to buy a rat cage and strap it to my dick.

I think they've seen it somewhere and they're like, oh, actually, that, that, yeah, I like that, that feeling of restriction, that feeling of loss of control.

The loss of control.

You don't have the rights to it.

It's a loss of control thing, and that's what a lot of submissives like.

They don't like being in control.

So it's taking away another privilege.

They can still urinate through that thing and everything, right?

Yeah, they can wash everything.

Everything's the same.

You just can't get a raging harden.

You can still get hard, but one, it's gonna hurt, and two, you can't rank yourself off.

You can still come in your cage.

You can get to the point where you've teased yourself so much that you actually can ejaculate.

Really?

Yeah, you can be teased that much that you can make yourself ejaculate.

So the longest I've ever had a chastity, slave-in chastity for is a hundred days, which is a really long time.

But yeah, so you basically...

Best part of three months.

Really old, disgusting cum.

It comes out like dust.

Like powdered milk.

That's absolutely right.

And then I'm like, eat it.

Yeah, you're a monster for that.

I am.

I'm like, let me see you eat it.

They're like, please.

Now I'm like...

That's the one phrase that I'll hear.

You'll be on the phone doing a phone session or a Skype...

What do you call it?

Skype session?

You'll be doing something, and I'll hear the words, now eat it.

I'm like, that's me.

I'm off.

I'm going outside for a minute.

Oh, I love it.

It's the most...

If you're going to make the mess, you're going to have to clean the mess.

I love it.

Yeah, I just get really off on it.

I find it so humiliating.

It makes me shudder.

Yeah, but you don't like humiliation.

It's like one of the most humiliating things you can get a man to do, is to eat his own mess.

Because normally, it's the woman eating his mess.

Normally, when a girl gives you a blowjob, she's eating or spitting, I don't know what she's doing, but she's normally clearing up the mess, whereas you're having to clean up your own mess.

Ha ha ha ha.

So basically, yeah, Chesty is just a dick restriction.

You're given a time limit and stuff, and you have to adhere to the rules.

You have to do certain tasks to earn your way out.

It's a bit like the crystal maze.

It's a bit like that.

You have to do a load of tasks and stuff, and you have to complete them, and if you don't, well, tough shit.

Your dick's staying locked up.

And it's really fun.

Chesty is probably one of my favorite kinks to do with a slave, because there's so many things you can do with it, and it's so funny winding someone up to the point where they're just like, please, please, please, and you're like, you're pathetic.

And yeah, no, I really get off on that, because it's a level of control, and obviously, as a DOMINATRIX...

You're very controlling.

Well, that's why I'm a DOMINATRIX, because my biggest kink out of any of the other kinks is control.

Does it really wind you up that you can't control me?

Yes, I don't like it.

It's annoying.

I'm not a fan.

No, I'm not a fan, really.

My mother, he's an absolute twat.

I'm not sorry.

She always said to me that I could never be with a man who didn't fight back with me.

And I was like, no, that's not true.

That's not true.

Wait, say that again.

So my mom said that I would never be in a lasting relationship with a man that didn't fight back with me.

Like all my boyfriends have been submissive.

I've always ordered them around.

What level of submissive?

Submissive like doormats.

Doormat men.

Oh, so you do whatever you want.

Three bags or miss.

Yeah.

My first boyfriend, I was pegging at the age of 17, 18.

And then from there, it's also...

Yeah, I've always worn the trousers.

Like I have been the trouser wearer.

So yeah.

And you're the first person that's really been a bit...

I mean, the last relationship I had was a bit...

But he was a narcissist, but he was still quite submissive.

But yeah, you're the first person that I've been with who's not submissive.

And it really, yeah, it really winds the shit out of me.

I'm just like, oh, you...

You know, we can have quite a turbulent time when it comes to our stuff.

Oh, I don't take any of your shit, do I?

No, and I don't like to take your shit either, but I'm used to being with really submissive men, so you were probably the first that has not been submissive.

And yeah, my mum always said I wouldn't find the one until...

Oh my god, that was a loud bike.

I know.

I know, and I wasn't even on it.

I'm sad.

So yeah, yeah, it really winds me up, actually.

I hate not getting my own way as a DOMINATRIX.

That's, you know, that's what I do.

Well, I've told you before, just be nice.

I don't want to.

Well, tough shit then, isn't it?

Well, fuck off then.

You're going to have a rough old ride of it.

Go back to it.

I missed your question.

Oh, I got your question, and then I went to Google Joe Esposito, and then I forgot your question.

I just said, what's the worst thing I've done that's freaked you out as a DOM?

And I said Joe Esposito.

Right, go on.

Yeah, that was your answer.

I've not done him.

He's on the list.

What's the worst thing that you've done as a DOM?

Yeah, like what's the worst thing?

What, the worst, the worst, I'm confused.

The worst thing that you've had to do that I found grotesque?

Yeah.

Like, what do you like about it?

I didn't like, oh, that one that you spoke about in the last podcast, the worms in the milk thing.

The Wormsy man.

That was just, just, just unbelievably hanging.

I know, but I loved it.

For the American listeners, hanging is like a word for really, really, really disgusting.

See, but you didn't like it, but I loved it.

Yeah, you were cackling like a witch.

Yeah, I want to do it again.

Listening to you laughing.

I legit want to do it again.

Like, I loved that.

That was pushing a boundary, because I didn't know if I was going to like it, and then it happened, and I was like, do you know what?

Actually, I think this is brilliant.

Like, I thought I'd get really freaked out, because I'm not particularly a fan of the VOM, but it wasn't vomit, it was milk.

And I really, I don't know, I just thought it was brilliant.

It really, yeah, it made me laugh, and actually I really enjoyed it.

It made me tear up.

I was two rooms away.

So humiliating.

At the time.

I was two rooms away at the time, and all I could hear was your great big witch cackle.

Followed up with, and then you go, drink more, you fucking wimp.

And I was like, this is horrendous.

It was so very, very bad to listen to.

I loved it.

I did.

No, no, no, no, no.

What is it?

And that's why we're two very different people.

Yeah, that was not enjoyable.

All right, enough, move, move, move.

How do you feel about having slaves around the house?

So you've come home before, and you've had slaves naked painting the dungeon.

You had slaves here cleaning.

You've had slaves here cleaning when I'm not even around, and I'm operating from a camera telling them what to do.

How does that make you feel?

This is a lot of how does it make you feel, all these questions.

I know, well, it's important.

I don't really suffer from feelings.

I know, okay.

Well, how did you feel when you came home and there was a guy here completely naked with his tiny little micro penis out doing the housework?

I was worried that it'd be cold.

No, you did.

You were like, what did you say to him?

I said, oh, hello, bud.

He's like, hello, sir.

I said, you must be fucking freezing.

He's like, no, this is just my penis.

Yeah.

You're like, bad times.

Bad times already.

I looked down at his Johnson and said, you must be freezing.

That was it.

That was him at full tilt.

Okay.

How did you feel when that guy was here naked and strapped to the gaming chair and you came in?

Oh, my God.

What the hell?

He looked like he'd been kidnapped.

He did.

That was so fun.

It was so bizarre.

And he had like slut and stuff written all over him and lipstick.

Oh, yeah.

Totally humiliated.

Like absolute humiliation.

That was a very strange evening coming home from work.

That is the polar opposite to coming home from work and it being dead quiet.

There's no one around.

Instead, I walked into what looked like a hostage scenario.

It looked like something from the film Hostel.

It was strapped to his hair, like tied up to his hair, handcuffed, blindfolded.

He'd like covered in spit and dribble and lipstick and with stuff written all over him.

I'm a filthy whore.

And I still had my bag on me and my shoulder and my work clothes on.

And I walked in and I was like, what the fuck is going on here?

Babe, can I have a cup of tea, please?

I was like, no, he can make it.

Such a weird afternoon.

Do you think that you've become a bit desensitized to it all?

Absolutely.

Absolutely 100%.

You think you're all right now?

Nothing phases you.

Me and you could walk into a club.

Nothing really phases me much anyway, does it?

No, but I think at the start it did.

I think it was getting to the point where there were people naked around the house that weren't having sex with me or in a sexual capacity that were just cleaning and you didn't properly understand the...

You didn't properly understand it, did you?

You were like, why do they like this?

It took you a long time to wrap your head around other people's fetishes, I feel like.

It's a big struggle to you.

No, no, no.

Yeah, you always misunderstood that.

I genuinely was asking why did they like doing this?

Like, can you please tell me why you like cleaning with your balls tied up in a knot?

Not like, you know, not like a flipping question why they're here doing this.

Like genuinely, why the fuck do they like doing this?

But you never understood me.

And that's why I was always like, why have you not asked him yet?

I don't know.

I think because I kind of just get it.

I just understand it's natural to me now.

It's not like a big, big, big deal.

It's, I understand quite well.

Like, I'm just like, okay.

And it always leads back to like a childhood, a childhood occurrence.

So for me, I'm just sort of like, I don't need to ask because I kind of already know.

Yeah, but I want to know.

I like, I want the details.

All right, well, let's finish off.

Do you like the fact that I'm a DOMINATRIX and I'm quite powerful?

Like, I do hold a lot of respect and power in the BDSM community in this local area.

I am probably, don't want to toot my own horn here.

You're going to, aren't you?

Do you know what?

I actually am, because I get this a lot.

They're like, there is no one else in this area who does what you do to the standard that you do it.

And that's, actually, I'm really proud of that.

That is.

There was a massive gap in this area.

I don't know why.

I don't know if anyone had the balls to fill it, but I certainly did.

And yeah, I know there are other ladies around that do this, but I don't think they do it in the capacity.

Ladies of the night?

But they don't do it in the capacity that I do it in.

Uh-huh.

How do you feel about it all?

How do you feel about me having this sort of...

I don't want to be big headed with it, but how do you...

Too late.

That's already happened.

Just go for it now.

How does it make you feel?

Oh my god, another feelings question.

Women are so weird.

We're feeling people.

We're feeling.

How does it make me feel?

I always have to stop and think about these.

Are you proud?

You're like, yeah, that's my bitch, y'all.

That was awful.

I don't know what was going on.

I do not know what you just did.

I'm not even going to edit that out.

I'm leaving that in there.

No, please.

No, that was so horrific.

Oh my god.

It's staying.

No, I hate you.

Yeah, no, I'm immensely proud of what you've achieved.

But then, you know, I've said that to you almost every day since you started doing this.

But like, if people, like, if your friends found out and stuff, and they were like, oh, dude, that's like, oh, I couldn't ever do that.

Like, oh, that's gross.

I would give zero fucks what other people think.

Yeah, well, mate, get fucked.

Yeah, I do not care what other people think and worry about what I do or how I live my life.

I couldn't give a damn.

It really does not bother me.

And anybody that knows me will tell you that answer.

Yeah, so if someone important in your life was like, yeah, that's not cool, that's gross.

Like, oh, I don't like her because of this and that.

You'll get over it or you won't.

I don't really give a monkeys.

It has no bearing effect on me.

I really don't mind.

If my mother doesn't like it, then tough shit, mother doesn't like it.

And she doesn't.

Not particularly.

I'm not worried that she doesn't like it.

She's not going to love me any less because she doesn't like what you do for a living.

And I'm not going to love her any less because she doesn't like what you do for a living.

No, I think the older generation do struggle a little bit with the DOMINATRIXing stuff.

They, it's, yeah, I find that she struggles quite a bit with the, she said the other day she listened to the podcast, didn't she?

She was actually surprised.

She thought it was going to be a bit more dirty and darker and it actually was quite light-hearted and...

Yeah, which was nice.

Well, I'm quite light-hearted.

You're evil, pure evil.

I'm quite light-hearted.

But I think if, you say older people aren't massively into it, but if I told my grandfather, he would laugh and laugh and laugh.

Do you reckon he'd come for a session?

Probably not.

Probably not, no.

Oh, man.

I always look at my friend's dad's and I'm like, yeah, you'd get it.

You know, you know.

I already know.

I've seen how she treats you.

I know that you would love it.

There's this one friend I have, and his dad is blatantly a submissive.

He's got his nipples pierced and everything.

And I always make the joke.

He's got his nipples pierced.

That's a sure fire sign, is it?

No, no, it's not that.

But he's obviously a little bit, you know, not, you know, a little nipple piercing on a man.

Double nipple piercing.

Yeah.

But like, and he's got quite a dominant wife.

She's quite gauzy, quite loud and stuff.

And I always say to my friend, I'm always like, oh, do you want to give him my number for the dungeon?

And he's like, oh, shut up.

You know he'd bloody come as well.

I was like, I bet he would.

See, we get that.

We get that quite a lot in our life, don't we?

People see you and you're quite loud and ballsy and...

Just, just, I mean, just call it what it is.

You're just a gobby cow.

A gobshite.

Yeah.

And people always assume that I'm your little...

You're equally as gobshiter-y.

How dare you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But this is what I'm saying.

See, you were saying that lady had a fellow with nipples pierced, and he's blatantly as...

Well, but he is.

He is.

I've met him many times.

Or a submissive.

But people always think the same with us, don't they?

Yeah, they're always like, oh, your partner must be really submissive.

No.

Strange that, isn't it?

Yeah.

I think that's why I enjoy my job so much, because if you were submissive all the time, I wouldn't put 100% into my work, because it would almost be like my work, whereas my work I absolutely love, because I have that level of control, and I love it.

I switch on this...

I don't know.

It's really weird.

It's like you get into a character almost, but it's not a character, because it is just a second part of me.

It's like being allowed to do what I want to do in this space that I can do it, and really enjoying it, but then still having my own life.

I like the fact that I don't have to share this with you, and I know that sounds really weird, but I like the fact that we don't do this together.

I like the fact that I have this...

Oh, I couldn't think of anything worse.

No, but I like the fact that I do this for me.

I derive genuine pleasure from hurting people.

Yeah, oh yeah, you're a sadist, yeah.

But I, yeah, I do, and I love that I can do something that I genuinely love, and it turns me on, and then we have something completely different and separate.

And I do.

My biggest kink is control in all of its forms.

I just love it, and I always have done.

I think it's because as a child, I wasn't given that control, and as I grew older, and as a woman with big, beautiful breasts and stuff, I knew that I had the power to do certain things to certain people.

You're talking about manipulation now, right?

Well, sort of manipulation, a little bit, but it's not all about manipulation, it's humiliation as well.

I like all of that, and I like the fact that I have created a safe space to do that in, so I don't have to do that in my real life.

I can just do that in my professional life, and people who want it receive it as opposed to bringing it into my real life, and just innocent bystanders are receiving it.

Do you know what I mean?

It's almost therapeutic for me to be able to go and do that.

Rather than bulldozing a relationship, which is what, I mean, tell me if I'm incorrect, that's what you tend to do, right?

Yeah, I think that's probably why it's not worked.

Exactly, rather than bulldozing a relationship, you're taking out your...

Frustrations and...

Yeah, I guess frustrations, but you're...

I wanted to say, cuntish side.

Fuck you.

You're horrible.

You're not even horrible.

You're...

My brain is not working.

My needs, my fetish needs almost, my...

Yeah, your need to be a gobby cow that...

My need to be aggressive and...

That manipulates and is aggressive towards guys.

You now do it for a living.

Yeah.

Hence why you don't need to do it to me.

I find it very strange doing it to women.

See, I have a few women that I do do it to.

But I actually prefer doing it to men.

I really enjoy manipulating, controlling and doing that to men.

It is just my thing.

With a woman, I find it a lot more difficult, because with a woman, I want to look after her and protect her.

And it's like, well, you can't.

You have to do these.

So with men, it's easier.

I don't know why.

It must be something that happened to me in my adolescence, which I'm sure you and I both know.

Oh, let's not unpack that bad.

We've not got all day.

But yeah.

So that's the reason why I enjoy so much.

It's not just hurting men, though.

It's watching them grow, teaching them new things.

My little old dude.

Teaching him new things.

It's an education for him.

Expanding his...

Horizons?

No, expanding his experiences.

He's going to die now, knowing that he's explored a plethora of...

He just said that out loud.

But he will die.

He's going to die now.

Unfinished with him.

No, but he will die.

And he can go happily, knowing that he has experienced fully lots of new things, which is great.

Because most people, when they get old, they're very set in their ways, they're very this, they're very that.

This guy has come in with an open mind, and has just been like, okay, let's just do this.

Like, sex was not doing it.

I saw some brasses.

It wasn't doing it for me.

There's something that...

Brass is a lady of the night.

A lady of the night, sorry.

An escort, a prostitute.

You know, the highest respect to them.

The highest respect to all sex workers.

Any work is...

All right, calm yourself down.

No, but I hate it when people are like, oh, sex workers.

Sex workers, you know.

If they're listening to a podcast about your wife being a DOMINATRIX, they're all right, don't worry.

They're real cool cats.

But anyway, yeah, so back in his generation, and his years, it was very shamed upon anything anal, anything gay, anything even hinting something that wasn't vanilla.

Back then, it was really shameful.

It was a very underground community.

And if you weren't part of that, you would feel ostracized, and you wouldn't feel part of it.

You'd think, oh my god, there's something fucking wrong with me.

A lot of kids growing up these days, who are 15 years old, have these weird fetishes and weird thoughts.

And they're like, oh my god, I'm into this.

I'm not into what everyone else likes.

I don't want to have sex like everyone else.

I want to do this instead.

And you think, oh my god.

The youngsters are into furries and stuff, right?

Yeah, yeah, that's a huge thing.

And hentai, you know, like cartoon porn and things like that.

And a lot of people are like, oh my god, there's something wrong with me.

No, it's not.

You've just not found your crowd, and that's it.

And back in that day, they didn't have the internet and stuff.

So you'd literally have a number of a lady of the night in a telephone box that you'd call to try and get something that you needed, wouldn't you?

Whereas now you've got the internet where you can log on sites like Adult Work, Mistress Directory, all these things are readily available to you.

So the kink community is open.

Do you know what I mean?

Like FetLife, things like that, it's open so you can access.

It's like ordering a pizza now.

If you want a lady with a penis and a pair of titties and I don't know, like horns on her head, you could probably order that too.

Do you know what I mean?

But back in the day...

That's not a lady with a pair of tits.

Okay, dude with tits with a pair of horns who's a satanical demon.

I don't know, I'm just, you know, in a pair of red kinky boots.

You could order a pizza as quickly as you could order a girl to piss on your tits, yeah.

Yeah, exactly.

But back in the day, you couldn't.

And I said to him, like, why are you doing this now?

And he's like, I don't want to die not experiencing this.

He's like, I always thought, you know, I've always wanted to try this thing, but I didn't know where to start.

I didn't know what to do, so I visited you as a mistress.

That's insane, because this particular person you're speaking about is...

Seventies.

Seventy-five.

I wasn't going to be specific.

I was going to be seventies to eighties.

Seventy-five.

Now, in my brain, seventies to eighties, I'm thinking I might have a favorite comfortable chair.

This guy has a favorite stripey dildo.

He likes to have his bumhole.

Bumhole.

It's not stripey, actually.

It's galactic.

Okay.

Oh, the galaxy dildo.

Yeah, it's a good size.

It's a good size.

You don't want to go too big.

You don't want to go too...

Oh my god, talking of galactic.

You're missing my point.

My point is the, and I'm going to use this very loosely, the average man wants to have a favorite comfortable chair in his 70s, right?

Yeah, but I suppose the average...

The average man is not thinking...

He's not thinking, I need to find a young lady that's willing to shove a galaxy dildo up my bum hole.

But then...

They're not, are they?

But then you have to think that he's gone his whole life being vanilla, whereas you don't have to be vanilla.

You've got many, many doors open to you, so when you do get old, you will slow down.

He didn't have those opportunities as a young man to do the things that he can do now, because the world was a different place.

Yeah, they do say that if you want to understand a man, you have to look at the world how it was when he was 21.

Yeah, and it was completely different.

Imagine that.

I don't know if that made sense what I just said.

Slow it down and play it again, you'll get what I mean.

Fifty years ago, he was, you know, 21, 50 odd years ago.

That's a long, we've come a long way.

The internet wasn't there.

Colour TV, like, there were things that weren't even around.

You used to have to woo a woman.

You couldn't just call her and say, hey, babe, here's a hundred quid, let's go.

Do you know what I mean?

It wasn't a big thing.

That would have been like a month's wages.

Yeah, it would have been huge.

So you have to think of it like that.

So he's now reliving his youth because of the internet.

Because of people being openly...

But to clarify, I still get a comfy chair, though, when I'm not...

Yeah, but then you've lived quite a life, so...

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, that makes sense.

But yeah, he's had loads of missed opportunities, and so he wants to sleep well and die, knowing that he fully explored everything that he wanted to.

Well, that's strangely quite sweet.

And I love that.

And that's very sweet, even though he absolutely loves a good pegging.

Because before he reached his 75th birthday, he'd never had anything up his bum, and he comes and sees me, and I'm like, let's go.

And now we're nearly a year into the line, he's coming up to his 76th, and he's an absolute pro.

He's a pro at taking that dick in the ass.

Yeah, but it's not gay.

I don't care if it is gay.

No, I know, but a lot of people think putting stuff at the butt is gay.

No, it's not, because there's a lady attached to it.

I'm a lady.

And you think when you're older, the prostate is a big thing as well.

I think anybody that has that issue where they say no, because it's gay, I'm not going to continue having a conversation with you.

You are clearly far too simple for me to bother having a conversation with.

I mean, it's gay if there's a man attached to it.

By the way, what the fuck does it matter?

You can have a unicorn attached to it.

It doesn't matter.

Get a grippy yourself.

It's 2000, wait, what year are we?

2021.

2021.

Get a grip, man.

God.

Some people are just far too stupid.

And some people are just far too self-conscious.

You cannot argue with idiots.

No, you can't argue with stupid.

That's it.

You can't argue with stupid.

That's why I don't argue with you.

So anybody that has that sort of flippant remark to something like that, it's just not worth the hassle.

Childlike behaviour.

It's not childlike, it's just idiocy.

It's just people that haven't had the education.

Right, can we get off this so we can get drunk on this red wine, because it's delicious.

If I didn't get a chance to ask you how you're wicked mean.

You don't need to.

I do.

It's just part of my thing.

I'll show you at the end of the weekend pictures.

Absolutely not getting involved in that.

Thank you so much.

Go on.

I've got some filming to do on Saturday.

I'm very excited.

Yeah, no thank you.

Right, I need to remember what's the next episode called after this?

Do you remember?

No idea.

What's it called?

What is it?

To peg or not to peg?

That is the question.

No, no.

It's not.

The next episode after this one is Babe, why is there a fat naked guy cleaning the litter tray?

That's the next episode.

Man, I love that guy.

Actually, I haven't seen him for ages.

You haven't, have you?

No, I haven't.

Well, he does have a full-time, very busy job.

Maybe the litter tray was super bad last time he was here.

No, I'll get in contact with him.

We only live down the road, actually.

Excuse me, what?

I'll get in contact with him.

We only live down the road.

Only lives down road.

Down road.

Down road.

All right, anyway, that has been My wife is a DOMINATRIX.

Me, Dan Vandal, and her MP.

But thank you so much for stopping in and listening.

We are now available on iTunes.

If you could jump over there and drop me a review.

That would be superb.

It sounds like a soundboard.

Yeah, she ruined it.

And the next episode will be out next week.

The title of which, as I said, is Baby Why is There a Fat Naked Guy Cleaning the Cat Lit Tray?

Because I let you out.

You can also find us on Instagram, Twitter, and the website danvandal.com.

And that's it from us.

So there will probably be some outro music now, I guess.

Bye.