Episode 03: The Naked Cleaner

Right, in this episode you will find out how we ended up with a house cleaner, a naked house cleaner of course because otherwise life would be too normal. I'll tell you about the time I discovered we had a naked house cleaner, without any pre-warning from MP herself! We also talk about various subjects in this episode such as sounding bars, dodgy teachers, Dominatrix training and Matthew Mcconaughey! So sit back, grab some lube and strap yourself in

Transcript (Auto Generated)

Welcome, welcome, ladies and perverts, to my brand new podcast My wife is a DOMINATRIX, starring me, Dan Vandal, and her MP.

Today is episode number three of Series 1, and today we're talking about, well, you being a DOMINATRIX, right?

Alrighty then.

Well, I thought I was interviewing you, not Matthew Mcconaughey.

How's your week been?

Uh, busy, actually.

I've had quite a busy, busy week.

You know, the normal, fisting assholes, pegging men, playing with puppies.

Yeah.

I asked the question, and then I genuinely regret asking it.

Because the first thing that came out of your big face is fisting assholes.

It's all part of the job, baby.

Yeah, it's gross, isn't it?

No, it's great.

You got some new toys this week as well.

You came into the kitchen and you're on with some...

What are they called?

Those sticks.

Oh, the anal hook.

Oh, the sound bars.

Sound bars.

Sounding bars?

Sounding bars, yes.

They go from small to...

I'mma fuck your japs are up.

I'm getting tacos here again.

Yeah, they're haunting.

I had to do a Google on those.

He thought they were chopsticks.

Yeah, metal chopsticks.

He's like, what do you mean sounding?

Do you like clang them together and they make a...

Yes, that's what they are, like Japanese gong bars.

Gong bars.

So explain, what do you do with these sounding bars?

Okay, so you always keep them clean and you sterilize them first.

And they are metal bars with each different diameters.

So you start from like really, really tiny to really, really big.

Yeah, so the smallest one is...

It's kind of like a chopstick.

Okay.

Lots of different metal chopsticks or metal straws.

And then you poke them down one's chap's eye.

Because the smallest one is like a four mil drill bit size.

I don't know, that's man stuff.

For those of you that have got four mil drill bits, knock it around.

I would not suggest putting four, whatever they are, drill bits in the...

The largest one, I reckon, has got to be like a good 22 millimetres, I guess.

Something like that.

Oh, yeah.

It's big.

It's really big.

Yeah, you're going to end up with a loose goose.

Loosey goosey.

Like, I'm not sure if you could fit it in the top of like a bottle of beer.

It wouldn't fit in the top of a bottle of beer, the largest one.

Yeah, but we're working with flesh.

And if you push hard enough, then anything will fit.

That's haunting.

That's such a horrific thing for you to say.

It's just scary.

It's exciting.

I've used them twice this week.

One with a man who is well versed in sounding, and one that had never done it before and really, really freaked out seeing something metal hanging out the end of his japs eye.

It's weird because you can feel them as well, so they go into like the pee hole.

And you can fit them like right down.

And the first guy, I was a bit worried that I was going to lose it.

It just slotted in there.

I was like, oh!

Oh, really?

I was like, he's definitely done this before and-

And what are what it feels like?

Should we give it a go?

No, absolutely no way, in absolutely no way, shape or form.

I was told when I did it today to the guy that had never tried it, poor thing, that it was a very odd feeling, like it was, it was a strange feeling he'd never felt before.

And I was like, can you explain it?

And he was like, oh, I don't know.

It's just, I don't know if it hurts or if it doesn't.

He couldn't quite explain it.

Did he enjoy it?

He did a little bit and then it went a little too far for him.

But the first guy was just like, yeah, slamming in there.

I'm assuming you just used the smallest.

Oh yeah, the smallest one.

The first guy, I went up to the second.

Yeah, that's so gross.

I can't imagine it.

Well, actually, I saw that...

It's maybe you have an innie just thinking about it.

I saw that well-known DOMINATRIX around this area, Nikki Whiplash.

She posted a photo up on Twitter today, and it was a clip from one of her very, very brutal videos.

And the guy had six of those sticks, six of the sound bars in his penis.

And he still managed to come.

It was crazy.

She like jerked him off.

Six of them at the same time.

Yeah, six.

It was like, you know, what are those decorations, those centerpieces, those real cheap centerpieces that you get with all the little bits hanging off with the tinsel, like, ooo, Christmas decorations.

It kind of looked like that.

Do you know what?

It kind of looked like it had loads of sparklers coming out of his penis, and you could just light them.

I guess actually the smallest one is about the same size as the sparkler.

Yeah, and he definitely ended with a bang.

It was more of a leaky mess, to be fair.

This is making me shiver.

I got goose bumps.

I love freaking you out.

And you also picked up an anal hook.

I know, it's really funny.

It looks like a great big butcher's hook.

It looks like...

What's that guy with the anorak?

The rain mag.

I know what you did last summer, and he's chasing them around with this hook in his hand, like the fish hook.

The fish hook.

Is it a butcher's hook?

I don't know.

It's a hook.

And it looks like that.

I saw it in the shop, and I was like, I'm gonna have to do that, because it's actually really good for shabari rope play.

So you make a little harness.

Yeah.

Pop the hook in, and then you do like a sort of harness thing, and you can control how far it goes in and out and certain.

Oh, you attach the ropes to the hook.

Yeah, it's got a round circle right at the top of it.

So it's got like a lashing point at one end.

Yeah.

And then a hook with a big metal ball on the other.

So if you were tying someone up, and they were lying on their bellies and you like had restrained them and made almost like a rope harness, depending on how they moved, the bar inside of them would move.

So if they misbehaved and they went, then it's probably not going to be the nicest.

It's a rather small one, so it's nothing too brutal.

It's massive.

The bar itself is quite large, but the actual plug is very small one.

Is that the ball on the end?

Yeah, the ball on the end.

You can get different sizes, but I've started with a small because a lot of the chaps like to think that they can take a big one, but they can't.

They always come in with this like real...

Yeah, I can take it.

Yeah, I can take it.

I get a finger in there and they're like, oh my lord.

You do have massive fingers.

I do not.

I've even had to cut my nails down.

Honestly, the amount of bloody arse play I've had to do this week, I've had to cut them right down because I was tearing people a new one.

Oh, Jesus.

Jesus wept.

And you took the puppy out again today, didn't you?

Went into the forest.

Oh, yeah, took puppy out, caged him as well, which was really fun.

So it's just a dog cage, like a really large dog cage.

People always think that like...

Shout out to pets at home.

People always think that you need to have the most expensive equipment and the best of everything.

But do you know what?

If you've got a creative mind and a wicked streak, you can turn everyday items into dungeon play.

I'm pretty sure that's mostly the tagline from Art Attack.

Neil Buchanan come at me.

I'm actually Neil.

You've got a blue Peter badge and fistic bump holes.

I do.

Say chopsticks you can use for penis torture.

So you can squish a penis between two chopsticks, get rubber bands at the end of it, and then it sort of acts as like a little penis clamp.

So that's really good.

Or you can do that with the balls.

Spatulas, just good for spanking really.

Spoons, wooden spoons, everyday kitchen equipment.

Yeah, exactly.

You can get a three pack from Poundland.

Do you know what is one of my most popular things with my subs are pegs.

Just clothing pegs, nothing fancy.

Old school wooden ones or the new age plastic.

Some people take the plastic ones, but I find them very flimsy.

I stick with the wooden.

Yeah, save the polar bears, right?

Save the oceans.

But yeah, no pegs.

You can be very creative with pegs.

Pegs, candles.

I had a sub this week.

I was like, have you done wax play before?

And he was like, yeah, yeah.

And I was like, what sort of candles did you use?

And he was like, oh, you know, just normal ones.

And I was like, oh my God.

Okay, fine.

Really?

Yeah, because normally you, if you're going to indulge in some wax play.

Yeah, yeah, they have a lower melting temperature.

Yeah.

But this guy just went straight on in there.

Oh my God, that reminds me.

Stock standard house candles.

Do you remember like last year when I had that guy that would constantly send me videos of him like hanging himself, punishing himself for me?

Oh, the asphyxiation masturbation guy.

Yeah.

Always a forward to his videos, they were hilarious.

Guys, if you're going to do wax play, have a shave beforehand, because otherwise you're going to be picking it out of your pubes for the rest of your life.

This poor guy had got all horny.

He'd done a load of wax play.

And then, stupidly, had forgotten to shave.

So he spent the whole evening trying to de-mat his bald hair, which was absolutely hilarious for me, not for him.

In the end, he had to shave most of it off, and I think he's probably still scarred from it, really.

So, poor bugger.

Well, if you're going to do those things, you've got to be prepared for the consequences.

You don't come to a DOM unshaved.

DOMs don't like that.

We don't like it.

We don't like all the hair.

Is that one of the rules?

Do you know what?

Yeah, I think it's nice for a sub to come well presented and clean.

It just makes the area a lot easier to work with.

If there's hair there, you've got risk of getting it caught, pulling, which is fun because it hurts them, and I obviously enjoy that.

But it's a better work area.

It's like having a messy desk.

No one wants a messy desk.

I like a nice, clean area.

Okay.

And it's easier for the cleanup as well.

They do the same thing in a...

I'm not sure how the best way for me to explain this is, but I'll just go for it.

In Amsterdam, in those little red windows, you know, those ones.

The red windows.

Yeah, the first thing they do when you go into one of those is they'll clean your area.

Do they?

How do you know this?

How do you know this?

A friend told me.

Oh, really?

Just think you want to share with the group.

No, genuinely a friend told me.

Really?

Yeah.

Very nice.

They say clean.

Do they give you a gentleman shave or?

No, no, like a wash down.

Like a wet wipe.

Yeah, well, I guess so.

And then they throw one at you afterwards.

Yeah, they give you like a proper wash down first to make sure you're all, I don't know, above the board, I guess.

You can't wash the crabs away.

They stay.

Yeah, you can't wash the regret away.

That's there for life.

No, you'll never shake that one off.

What lads doing?

What lads do?

I know.

Mental.

Right, so, today's podcast is all about that one time, a couple of months ago now, actually.

I came home after a relatively hard day at work.

We work hard.

Some more than others.

And I walked in through the front door.

You weren't home.

Your car wasn't in the drive.

No.

And I kicked down the front door like a SWAT team like I do when I get home because I want a cup of tea and a poo.

So true.

And inside, inside the front door of our house, there's a very large, chubby, naked man.

He wasn't large in stature.

He was just rotund.

He was more than rotund.

He looked like the guy that ate the rotund guy.

Don't you fat shame him.

With a very, very tiny, like micro penis.

Oh, his tiny penis.

It doesn't even grow.

It's not a grower.

It's not a shower.

It is literally one centimetre.

But I bumped the door open and he was bent over, spread-eagled, very carefully picking the cat shit out of the cat litter.

That was brilliant.

Such a funny, funny chap.

Brilliant.

He loves it.

He pays.

He pays for the honour of coming clean.

So explain this to me, then, because I was so confused by the whole scenario.

I genuinely was like, am I at the right house?

Could you not smell the cat shit?

But I walked in through the door and he sort of jumped up, spun around and went, Oh, hello, sir.

And I was like, all right, mate, you must be cold.

No, that's just my penis.

Did he offer you a cuppa?

No, I offered him a cuppa because I felt sorry for him.

No, don't feel sorry for him.

That's his job.

But he was butt naked.

Yes, because he likes it.

So basically I have this sub who comes sporadically, not all the time.

He's a service sub.

So he will pay me cash moneys, cash moneys.

The money.

The moneys.

And he will come and clean the house for a few hours.

Yeah, he's been here a few times.

Yeah, and he'll do it naked.

He likes the challenge.

That's what he says.

He finds it a challenge.

He likes the challenge.

I guess there's no way to put stuff.

Only his bumhole.

I have found the latex gloves that I thought were missing.

I thought he might have stashed them up his asshole and run away, but they were under the bed.

Goddamn.

I had some latex gloves that went missing and I thought it was him, but it was not him.

It was under the bed the whole time, which proves he'd been doing a terrible job because he could have found them.

Exactly.

So he will be punished.

So yeah, no, his kink is cleaning.

He likes cleaning.

As a child, he got locked out of his home or something and ended up-

We are.

This is where most of the kinks come from, is teenage years, a brief encounter of the sexual kind.

And he ended up at like a neighbor's house or something, and I think it was like one of those weird scenarios.

So he got locked out, ended up at a neighbor's house.

Yeah, and like he spilt something on himself or something, or it was wet.

Are you sure this isn't a porno he's washed?

Yeah, it literally sounded like a porno.

Help me step bro, I'm stuck in the washing machine.

Oh yeah, that's just longer.

Oh yes, that's just good.

And yeah, no, he just said, oh, I had an experience when I was younger and I got locked out and I had to go around the neighbors and she made me clean with my top off or something.

And he said, ever since then, he just loves to serve.

So what I do is I get him to strip down completely naked.

He earns himself a pair of my knickers.

He's quite keen on the ladies knickers.

I think I've seen him wearing ladies knickers, haven't I?

Yeah, yeah, my old thongs.

He loves them.

Purple and pink.

And if he does a good job, he'll earn a pair of pants on the way out.

So that's what he does.

He like tries to do a really good job.

And so he has to earn his clothes back.

Right.

So if he hasn't done a good enough job, I'm just like, absolutely not.

No, you're not having them back.

You hold his clothes hostage.

Yeah, in my room.

Yeah, I lock them away.

And yeah, he has to earn the back.

Okay.

That's mean.

No, not really.

Just do your job properly, and then we've got no problems.

Do it probably the first time.

Yeah, and then we're not having a problem.

So there have been times where I've had to call him up and be like, this is not good enough, is it?

And he's like, I'm sorry.

And I'm like, sort it.

He does a good job, to be fair.

Yeah.

He's very thorough.

He even cleaned the pantry.

He did.

And he always he brings his own equipment.

What kind of equipment are we talking about here?

His cleaning equipment.

He's quite good with that.

My mind immediately went to other things.

I say to him, have you bought your pocket money?

He's like, yes, Mr.

What's he need pocket money for?

To pay for the cleaning.

He pays for the cleaning.

He was like, you've run out of bin bags.

I was like, best get yourself down the shop then.

He's like, can I have my clothes back?

I was like, no.

He's like, no, but seriously, I was like, no.

We had a little bit of a Mexican standoff that day.

He's like, no, but like, I was like, you've got pants on.

Off you go.

He's like, no, please, please, I'll do anything.

I'll do anything.

Please.

I was like, fine.

Have them back.

Is that how he ended up doing the cat litter?

Yes.

Should have made him do it with his mouth.

So I mean, surely if I'm going back to the whole neighbor thing, that's a bit weird, isn't it?

Yeah.

I don't know what kind of older woman would get a young boy to strip down and do some cleaning.

The kind that should probably be in prison?

Yeah.

But back in those days, it was acceptable in the 80s.

Yeah, but flip it around the other way.

It's an old dude.

He's got a naked 12 year old cleaning his house.

That's absolutely disgusting.

Do you see my point?

I do see your point.

I think it's like that thing though, isn't it?

Like when you were at school, like back in the day, it was like a fantasy, like the teacher, like nailing your teacher was like, oh.

I had none of those teachers.

Okay.

But like it is, it used to be a common school boy fantasy.

And then when you hear cases these days of like boys ratting on their teachers, because they've had an illicit affair and stuff, you always get the older generation like, oh, what a pansy.

If it had been back in my day, I would have kept my mouth shut and carried on.

And what a bloody lad, like, but these days, everyone's just like, no, it's not okay.

Which is really funny because if you look at places like Pornhub, YouPorn, X Hamster, all of the top porn sites.

All the pornography.

Yeah.

All the pornography.

Um, it's all based on taboo stuff like stepbrother, stepmother, it's all sort of young babysitter.

Like, there's a lot of weird taboo.

Well, not weird, but just taboo fantasies, isn't it?

We're saturated with it.

I like to do that as a social experiment every now and then when we're in a supermarket or something.

I just like to say, oh, help me step bro, and just watch all the fellas spin round really quickly.

Oh, yeah.

It's always fun to do.

Give it a go.

If you're out there, if you're an Asda at some point, whoever's listening, just for no apparent reason, say to your other half, oh, help me step bro, and you just spin around and watch them watch the people glaring.

They know.

Panters.

They know.

They know.

Dirty, dirty, dirty dogs.

Also, this week, was it last week now?

The weekend, the weekend just gone.

You started training a new DOMINATRIX, right?

Oh, a baby Dom.

Yeah, she's all right.

DOMINATRIX in training.

She doesn't like to touch the dick, which is kind of a problem, because if you're going to punish a dick, you're kind of going to have to get a bit hands on.

I mean, you can kick it.

You can whip it.

Yeah, but you don't fondle dick.

You just got to, yeah, there has to be some contact, I guess.

The MP, the dick handler, the dick handler, the dick handler, never mind the cock destroyers.

She seems really nice.

She's a nice girl.

Yeah, she's nice.

It's bizarre.

We look like twins.

Was she 20?

Really?

Three?

No, she was like 26, 27.

Twenty something.

Twenty something.

But we look alike, which is very, very similar.

I had a very, very close call, didn't I?

Yes, you did.

Nearly lost a ball for that.

Oh, that was bad.

So, I came out of the bedroom, across into the kitchen, and I saw MP bent over in front of me in all her DOMINATRIX clover.

But was it MP?

It was not MP.

It was not MP, was it?

It was MP's new DOMINATRIX that she was training, and my hand must have been a centimeter off her ass before I realized you were stood in front of me.

I was like, oh my god, that was close.

Nearly lost a hand there, didn't you?

It was so funny.

You're the only man that ever gets to...

You're the only man that ever gets to slap my bum.

Honestly, if one of my subs ever, even in a jokey way, I think I would like remove their fingers like...

Really?

Yeah, like...

Slap a hand off?

Slap it.

Slap it right off.

Slap the hand, slap the dick.

Kick their faces off or something.

Could you imagine?

Yeah, they're not allowed to get handsy with you at all though, are they?

I mean, surely that defeats the object of being a DOMINATRIX, right?

Well, to be fair, it would be a bit of a struggle, to be honest, because most of the time, they're bounded and restricted and restrained and...

G-unit aftermath.

Yeah, no.

It's just...

It is...

Etiquette.

It's a sub-etiquette.

You just don't get...

You can't say etiquette.

Etiquette.

Etiquette.

It's just...

It's like protocol.

There's a series of rules that you have to follow.

Mm-hmm.

And if you don't follow them, then you're not a true submissive.

No, yeah.

Well, no, of course.

There's loads of guides online, isn't there, about what to do?

How to approach...

I mean, every DOM is actually different.

Some DOMs will let you eat them out.

Some DOMs will let you lick their bumholes.

Some DOMs will indulge in nothing.

Pure corporal punishment.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

There's just so many...

So many different things a DOM will do.

Some of them are super strict.

Like, they don't do role play or anything of the type.

It's just, you are gonna get beaten up, and then you're going home to cry.

It's literally, you're gonna have a red body, and that's the way it's going to be.

You can go home, and you can crouch down in the shower, and hold your knees, and cry-wank yourself to sleep.

That's what you're getting.

And work back and forth.

Going slowly while scrubbing your skin every so hard.

With some Backstreet Boys on in the background.

Show me in the meanin.

I'm bein lonely.

I don't know if that's Backstreet Boys song.

I'm gonna go with yes.

Okay.

But I'm not 100% because this is not...

Or is that anything?

Pop quiz show.

It's not.

It's not at all.

This is a question to you.

We're going off the beaten track.

About your dark life.

My dark, dark life.

Do you know what?

It's my happy place, though.

Isn't that weird?

My dungeon.

The fungeon.

It's my happy place.

Like, I go in there, and I just feel at peace.

That's weird.

That's dark.

I know.

That's really dark.

Because in my everyday life, I sometimes have a bit of anxiety.

You know, just normal people, normal people things.

And then I step into that room, and I'm just like, no, I feel really at peace, and at ease, and it is my natural habitat.

Which is such a weird thing to say.

Yeah, especially when you can shed your human skin in there and become the beast that you are.

The lizard lady.

Yeah, I think it is, actually.

I lose all inhibitions.

I think the real version of you is MP.

Is in that room.

And the other version of you is just pure bullshit.

It is.

It's just fake.

It's my person suit.

Yeah.

It's like what you see online.

Sorry.

It's like what you see online.

When you see people online, they are very much not the person that you know in real life.

Oh yeah, like keyboard warriors and things like that.

All like slightly more confident stuff.

Yeah, but even friends.

You have friends that you see online, and they portray themselves in a certain way.

And you know them in real life, and you're like, what the fuck are you talking about?

You are nothing like that in real life.

Yeah.

Pretend you're a big bad...

Let's not pretend, Barry, that you're a big bad boy, okay?

Barry, from Wigan.

We all know.

Exactly.

I saw you the other day, Barry, crying because you accidentally bought granola instead of porridge.

Calm yourself down.

Calm your tits, Barry.

I feel really at peace.

I sit on the bed.

I look up at the cross.

I look at all the weaponry or the equipment, and I just, yeah, I just do like, I feel really at peace.

That is my favorite room in the house.

It is.

It is.

I enjoy it.

I enjoy pottering around in there.

I think my dungeon is a bit like an old man's shed.

You know, when men go to like the shed or the garage, like all men do it, don't they?

As they get older.

Yeah.

That's their space.

It's like the shed or the garage.

That's where they keep all their dirty magazines and all their, all their bits.

No, there's no dirty magazines in there.

There's just, there's just peace.

They didn't do anything.

We go in the shed, we lock the shed door.

I mean, no, that no one else is going to come and bother us.

They just sit there and be quiet.

It's lovely.

That's it.

No dramas.

That's what I like, the bathroom.

No.

They just lock the door.

I don't know.

No one's going to come in.

There'll be no stupid questions.

Might be me.

I haven't got to do anything for anybody.

I can just sit there and be quiet.

And lay a fat one.

Sometimes, sometimes I pretend.

Right, that's it.

I'm just chilling out.

I just want a break for 10 minutes.

Oh my Lord.

I just want to put my feet up.

I only get like one of those comfy camp chairs for the bathroom, I think.

I'm going to hide it in the water closet.

Reclining toilet seat.

Ridiculous.

Oh my God, the mess that would make.

But yeah, no.

Yeah, I really...

Yeah, that is...

The dungeon is the equivalent of a man shed for me.

Like, I feel like it's me.

It is through and through to my core.

I feel like that is the person I'm meant to be, who I am.

I mean, I've been naturally dominant since the day I was born.

So it was just a natural progression to own my own dungeon space and have all of the bits and pieces and do what I do.

It was just a...

Yeah, even at school, I was bullying the fuck-out boys.

Even when I was three, I got kicked out of play school.

You're quite horrible.

Shut your horrish mouth.

But yeah, no, even when I was three, I got kicked out of play school because I used to beat up the boys.

Never the girls.

Never the girls.

Always the boys.

Always beat them up.

They're sexist, aren't they?

Yeah.

Beggars can't be choosers.

What?

I don't even know what that means.

But you know, it's just I've always been naturally dominant towards men.

I do.

Even when I walk into a room, I'm not one of those girls who get a bit intimidated by a group of lads.

I'll go in there and be like, all right, boys, get your cocks out.

Or like if you're going past builders, I love cat calling builders.

You know where they're like, oh yeah, babe, how's it going?

Get your titties out and things like that, like when you're just driving around in your car.

I now wind down the window.

I say, all right, get your cock out.

And they're like, how dare you?

I feel really offended.

I feel very vulnerable right now.

Honestly, do it to a group of lads as a woman and see the reactions.

They are absolutely horrified.

Really?

Yeah, horrified.

Do people still cat call?

Is that still a thing?

Oh, it's a huge thing.

Really?

Yeah, just because you don't do it.

Honestly.

I don't really see it.

You just get your lorry drivers.

All right, babe, get your baps up.

Yeah.

No sauce.

It's never anything like, you're a very pretty lady.

I really like your haircut.

Do you know what?

Actually, I was driving.

Do you remember I phoned you?

Because I got a little bit like, well, this has just happened.

Oh, this was only a couple of days ago, right?

Yeah, outside of the Tesco.

So I was in the Tesco, just buying some bits and pieces.

I think it's just Tesco.

Just the Tescos.

No Tescos.

Tescos.

I put an S on everything.

Yes, you do.

It's very annoying.

And I was outside the Tesco.

The Tesco.

And I was buying my grocery, as you do, large cucumbers.

Yes, sir.

And I was about to leave, and the cashier lady, who was about 100 billion years old, but with the fucking snazziest nails I'd ever seen, was just like, there's a man out there.

He's looking at you.

I was like, OK, thanks, Betty.

She was like, do you need me to watch your back?

I know, she was so sweet.

She was like, don't you let him harass you.

Don't you let him.

I was like, I've got this, Betty.

She was like, proper worried for me.

Betty sounds like a warrior.

She is.

She was like, battle axe, Betty.

Like, you knew she'd destroyed some cocks in her time.

She'll throw down, she will.

She will throw down.

She will not.

She was one of those old ladies that just doesn't give a shit.

But she still gets her nails done.

Why not?

Why not?

Love it.

And so I walked out, and this guy was like, all right, darling, you're well fit, aren't you?

I was like, yeah, I'm all right.

Not bad, thanks.

And he's like, could I get your number?

I was like, no.

He's like, go on.

He's like, how much to have a go?

And I was like, excuse me?

He's like, how much?

How much for a quick blowie?

And I was like, oh, man, you were barking up the wrong tree here, boy.

So I got 100.

There's a cash point there.

You want 200?

And then it was like, 33, 33, 35, 35, 35, next, next, and he just kept going and going.

And the number was just getting higher and higher.

And I was just like, no, no, no.

And he's like, a grand, we can have sex for a grand.

And I was like, no.

And he just wouldn't stop.

And I was just amazed.

I just must have said no about a billion times.

Should have gotten a business card, really.

Yeah, that would have been more sense.

And yeah, just wouldn't take no for an answer.

So I got in the car and he was just banging on the window like a enraged ape.

Come on, let me have her number.

Yeah, I phoned you straight after.

I was like, I don't really remember the phone call.

She phoned me a lot.

Yeah, I do.

But it was so weird.

It was, yeah.

And he was like bartering for...

Strange how old was he?

I don't know, like late 30s.

So old enough to know better.

Yeah, 100% late 30s.

Strange.

I didn't really think that sort of thing happened much now.

Oh yeah, it does.

It happens quite often.

It's like that other guy that followed me from the traffic lights.

He was going the other way.

I was at the roundabout.

He kept shouting through the window of the car like, Oh babe, oh what babe, it's always that, oh what babe, oh what babe.

And I went into the shopping.

Start there from the east end, but they actually live in Thurndown, Bournemouth.

In Birmingham.

Birmingham?

Yeah, no, so he stopped at the traffic lights.

I was at the traffic lights, and he was going round the other way, and I was going to the shopping centre, and then lo and behold, I get out my car and he's blocked me in.

He's like, are you going to give me your number then?

And I'm like, well no, I drove away from you.

And you've now followed me to corner me here.

He's like, but I've come back and everything.

And I was like, oh, well said you.

Don't do apologize.

Well, I'm so sorry for wasting your time, sir.

I'm very sorry.

And he's like, right, thanks for that then.

I was like, you're welcome.

It was just a really weird, like, social situation.

And at the time, I was meeting a sub as well.

He came up, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he was just like, you're right.

You're right, what's going on over here?

He's like, do you need me to do anything?

I was like, yeah, you're not going to do much help.

I was like, it's more like me protecting you, Sunshine.

Okay, so let's just wipe down.

It is key though, like, it's a happy night in shining armor.

I was like, you're going to be a knight in tin foil.

A sub in tin foil.

That's about as macho as you're going to be.

And he's a sissy as well.

I know, he's a sissy as well.

So a sissy is somebody that likes to dress up like a lady.

Like a lady.

But like, like forced to be dressed up like a lady?

No, not always.

Some sissies like to dress up and then do service.

You've got service sissies.

You've got sissies.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

There's different types.

What do you mean do service?

What does do service mean?

Oh, do service.

They like cleaning mate.

So a sissification session would start off as demasculizing a man and obviously feminizing him by putting makeup on, wigs.

They generally like satin, like satiny film materials.

Yeah, the frilly pinks, purples, like real girly, girly colors, like really over-the-top animated dramatic sort of almost panto dame like.

Like big fat gypsy wedding dresses, those types.

But not quite that far.

Not that far.

And then you get some other sissies that like to be more slutty.

It depends how they feel, like stockings, a little slutty lipstick, like all of that stuff.

Every single one is different.

You'll never find two sissies that are completely the same.

But what's the difference between a sissy and a cross-dresser or a drag queen?

Okay, so a cross-dresser...

Well, it's my personal opinion.

I don't know the actual facts.

So a cross-dresser is somebody that wants to live as the opposite sex.

No, no, that's a...

No, a cross-dresser is someone who enjoys wearing women's clothing.

Yeah, so they're living as the opposite sex, though, no?

No, no, no, no, no, you can still be very manly and be...

You're just dressing.

You're just cross-dressing.

You're not trans.

So a trans...

That's something completely different again.

No, transgender is...

Let's just not even cover the subject.

Non-binary transgender...

Let's not even go there.

That's too much for you.

It is way too much for me.

Your brain is like...

So a sissy is essentially somebody that will come to you and then you do their makeup and make them wear ladies' clothes.

Yeah, and some sissies would like to be encouraged to do bisexual things with another gentleman.

Oh, you get a lot of that, don't you?

Yeah, it's actually really popular.

It's a really popular thing.

It's called encouraged by.

We can't call it forced by.

But it's a really popular horny thing.

Guys are like, will you turn me gay?

And I'm like, I don't know if I'm really turning you gay, but I'll give it a go.

It's happened.

I think you come there all by yourself.

But yeah, no, it is quite a popular.

I've had a few.

I sell a few clips on that as well.

Yeah.

But yeah, like some sissies will just like the makeup and the photo shoot and feeling pretty, just feeling really nice and girly, do the nails all lovely.

And some will like to take it a little step further and be the piggy in the middle.

That's a bit roasting.

Oh, Lord.

Yeah.

And some, yeah, just want to have an Alphas cock.

Yeah, that always needs to be the phrase.

So some you'll get that would love an Alphas cock, or some you will just like that, like women, with a strap on on.

Okay.

So it's just personal preference, really.

Like you can't just say, oh, you're a sissy, you're going to do this.

It's just like sex.

Everyone likes different things.

It's impossible to put anybody in a box.

Oh, 100% because generally, it is just impossible.

Generally with Fetish King and BDSM, if you're into something, then it generally leads on to another category as well.

So say you're into latex.

A lot of people that like latex are into heavy bondage and restriction because the latex is a really tight, restricted feeling.

And so they're like things like vacuum beds, which will literally just suck, and it's got like a real crushing sort of feeling.

So yeah, generally kinks are, they come in pairs or triplets or...

Do you know what I mean?

Normally when you're into something in BDSM, it's not just one solid category.

It leads into other subsections of fetish.

Yeah, but like, how do you know then?

How do you know what they want?

When somebody contacts you and says, hey MP, I really like being a sissy.

How do you know like...

So I...

How do you know where...

Oh, I don't even know how to put it into words.

How do you know how far to go with them being a sissy?

Like, do they just want a bit of rouge on, or do they want to be forced to suck a dick?

No, you have to ask the questions.

So you get a sense of who they are, what they like.

I generally ask them what the top five things in the session they'd like to achieve.

A lot of sissies would like to pretend that they're going to suck a dick at the end of the session, but they don't want to, really.

It's just the thought in their head, like the thought of being a bit naughty a bit.

Oh, so you like to tell them, we're going to get you all pretty here.

Oh, yeah, you're going to suck a big dick.

I'm going to make you practice on me on this.

And it's the thought of it, not the actual act.

Because, you know, the act is a big thing.

It's a big thing to suck another guy's dick if you're not actually gay.

It's a big thing.

I'm not sure I'd be up for it.

No, not you personally.

But a lot of people would deal with the post-nut clarity as well.

So the guilt that you feel.

A lot of people feel tremendous guilt after and shame, which they shouldn't do.

But yeah, a lot of people feel guilt and shame after doing things that are considered...

Yeah, but that's a societal thing, isn't it?

Yeah, that's a societal thing that we put on ourselves, isn't it?

We're like, oh, we're monsters.

You come out of the dungeon, and that's why after care is so important.

Because if you don't have someone talking you down after a really extreme session, then it can be dangerous.

You can go home with loads of intrusive thoughts in your head.

Do you have, like, a full blown after...

What did you just call it?

After care?

Do you have a full blown after care team like Jerry McHale?

Yeah, what's his name?

Bringing Colin, the therapist, bring him in.

No, I just bring in one of my many personalities.

We're going to take you off stage now.

You're going to sit with our after care team.

Yeah, there you go.

We'll talk you through your options.

See, this is why you go to professional.

This is why you go to someone who knows what they're doing.

Because you can have someone that will take you to the most extreme point that you're willing to go.

We will push those boundaries.

We will, consensually, we'll push those boundaries.

We will make you do things that you thought you couldn't do, you wouldn't do, all of these things.

But then at the same time, you need that person who after you've done all this stuff and you've come out of that, oh yeah, I'm fucking horny.

I mean, we've all went to some really dark stuff.

I mean, I've heard some real...

I've done that porn hub rabbit hole.

Yeah, we've all been in that dark place.

And afterwards you think, I am a fucking monster.

What is wrong with me?

So sometimes when you've done something that's really extreme and hardcore or something that's not the norm or something that you haven't done before, you can feel a bit overwhelmed and a little bit guilty, disgusted, things like that.

So it's really important.

So it's really important to have someone that will talk you down, like someone that will have that time with you a good 10 minutes afterwards.

Would you like a cup of tea?

Would you like a biscuit?

We're all humans.

It's fine.

You haven't cheated on your wife.

You're normal.

You're just reassuring words, making sure that they're okay physically, mentally, just checking in, you know, bringing them back down.

Because when you're in orgasm and you've got your horn head on, and you're in it, it's called subspace.

When you're in this really good submissive space, it's really hard to come down from.

It's like being on drugs.

There's nothing when you're on a drug.

There's nothing that you can't just snap out of it, which is the same when you're coming down off the high of coming off something incredible.

At the time, you were loving it, but now you've done it, you're like...

Yeah.

So it's kind of like that.

So if you don't have that sort of security comfort blanket, imagine you've just gone and done something that you didn't think you could ever do, and then you just shoved onto the street, 200 quid, here you go.

You shoved back on the street and you're just like, well, I'm shocked, you're post-stress traumatic.

Your mind is doing a million and one things, and you don't know how to really...

What is it called?

You don't know how to process what's actually happened.

So it's really good to have a person that was there to guide you through it.

And that's what's missing in this day and age is people don't really think about the aftercare.

Like a lot of baby DOMs and people who are new to the scene.

It doesn't seem to be a big thing.

And that's what can become dangerous.

It's an incredible bond that you have with a lot of your submissives.

Because like when I've ever done something and then I've had the post-nuclarity afterwards, now whenever I get the post-nuclarity, it's usually because I've done something with somebody I probably shouldn't have done with that person because of various reasons.

I've had too many sodas.

The last thing I want to do is sit down with them and talk about my feelings.

Yeah, but it's different.

I want to get my stuff.

I want to get home sharpish.

That's what I mean.

That's what I'm saying.

You must have quite an incredible bond with them to be able to sit down and have that conversation afterwards.

Yeah, I think there's different types of subs as well, to be fair.

There are people that just want to book a session.

Yeah.

And that's it.

That's it.

You don't hear from them.

They book a session and then they're gone.

And you won't hear from them again for like another six weeks, maybe six months until they've sorted the head out.

And then you get subs that you can talk to every day.

You get subs that check in every once a week and stuff.

But yeah, like it's I personally as a DOMINATRIX, I have really good relationships with my subs.

I find it important.

I think it enables me to push them into a deeper subspace because the level of trust and almost a friendship that we've built up enables me to know them really well and to push them into things that they thought, oh, I wouldn't have thought to try that.

But I know that they can either one, take it or two, they'd actually enjoy it.

So you know, it's just getting to know someone.

It's just starting a bit of understanding.

It's like when you're dating someone, your first couple of dates, you don't really know what you're doing.

You're just fumbling around when you're first sexually active with someone.

It's all very exciting and stuff, learning and exploring about each other.

But you know, you're like, oh, do you like fisting or I don't know, like stuff.

But when you've gone to see a profession...

Don't ever ask that on a first date.

Okay, yeah, don't.

That's how my dates go.

Do not ask them if they enjoy fisting on day one.

Okay, well, when someone comes into the dungeon, I'm like, how do you feel about anal?

Oh, I love it.

Oh, I've had a little finger in the bum.

No, absolutely not.

And I'm like, well, are you open to it?

And they're like, yeah, I could do it.

And then you walk out that 26 inch thing, and you're flailing around in there.

But no, the better you get to know someone in their everyday life, the better sessions you can have.

I have one sub in particular that I see once a month, and I am the only mistress he's ever seen more than twice.

And we are on our ninth session.

It's pretty good.

And we talk daily.

He just checks in, good morning, mistress.

Good night, mistress.

Some days we just talk about really vanilla things.

Sometimes we talk about kink.

But the fact that we've got to know each other on such a deep level has enabled me to do things and things that he's always wanted done and has never had that level of trust with anyone.

And so we do some really extreme things.

So I'll put a plastic bag over him, suffocate him to the point where he's going to pass out.

But because I know him so well, and I know the signs, and I know the triggers, and I know him that well, I know when enough is enough.

It's not a case of him just tapping out and that.

Does he not just start screaming out Oklahoma?

Well, he can't.

He's got a bag in his head.

And he's gagged.

And he has a ball gagging sometimes as well.

Really?

Yeah, it can be really, really dangerous.

And situations like that can turn really dangerous really fast.

And sometimes he's like, I want to tap you, but you still don't let me go.

Don't let the bag go.

He's like, I want to push it.

So I have to be really careful to not push it that far, but to push it a little bit far, because he loves the sexual fear.

For him, sexual fear is the complete loss of control.

That's a big thing, isn't it?

Sexual fear.

It seems to be getting more and more popular.

I wonder why.

I don't know.

Maybe it's the movies.

Do you reckon?

The thing I get a lot of online...

It's getting more and more graphic.

The thing I get a lot of online at the moment is exposure and sexual fear.

Like, I'm going to ring you up.

Your girlfriend might know that I'm going to ring you.

They're like, please, no.

No, don't do it.

But they secretly want it.

But obviously...

You get them asking you to say stuff like, oh, can you tell me you're going to phone work?

Yeah, they like it.

It's taboo.

It's, oh, I'm doing something naughty.

But I'm actually not.

But I'm doing something naughty.

It's that.

That's so weird.

Yeah, but it's weird to you.

But for them, it's a fetish, isn't it?

I think that's weird to most people.

It's like, I'm going to tell on you.

And you're like, please don't, please don't.

I'm like, I am.

It's a bit like cat and mouse.

It's the control.

And I love that sort of stuff because I love control.

Yes, you do.

So for me, I find it genuinely quite horny.

I'm like, you've been a very, very naughty boy.

Please, I'll do anything.

I'm like, show me a dick with my name on it.

Oh, please, please.

I'm like, go and put your wife's underwear on, you dirty, dirty little shit.

It's one of your party tricks, isn't it, that?

Which one?

The name with the dick thing.

Yeah, it's like ownership.

It's nice.

Whenever we're out and about, we meet some new people, and they ask what you're doing, you tell them, and they're like, oh, I don't believe you.

And you say, okay, what's your name?

They'll say, oh, it's Sharon.

You say, right, give me two minutes.

And then two minutes later, you'll produce a picture of somebody's dick with Sharon written across it.

Oh, no, that always freaks them out.

They're like, oh, like I'm sort of a magician like David Blaine.

How did this card end up in this window?

How did this name end up in this dick?

It's David Blaine's dick all along.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, no, I like that one.

That's funny.

But yeah, no, it's great.

I love, I love that sort of control play.

For me, it's, yeah, it's very much, I love being hands on.

I love being physical, but I also, the mental.

You've had a lot.

The mental side of it has increased loads, I'd say, in the last 10 days or so.

Yeah, it's actually been wild.

Like you've had a lot of it.

Like you keep saying, oh, I've got to go on online and expose someone and things like that.

Like they give you their Facebook passwords and everything.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

They make you log in and change their statuses and stuff.

I love gawk.com and yeah, like really weird bits and pieces, like just a change of relationship status, anything that can heighten a bit of sexual fear and they just love it.

But it's always consensual.

I would never, ever do something where I thought it would really destroy someone's life.

Like it has to be, there has to be limits in play.

Yeah, of course.

Otherwise, you're going to end up in prison, end up in prison and you can end up genuinely ruining someone's life.

And that's not what you really want.

Like as a DOMINATRIX, I see online all the time, I'm going to ruin you, I'm going to ruin your wallet, I'm going to ruin your life.

Yeah, just big words.

But there has to be levels of consent and at the same time, you still want to have fun.

You don't want to do everything by the textbook.

You still want to have a little bit of space to play.

You want to pull some surprises out the bag.

Yeah, you got to give yourself room to grow, haven't you?

Yeah, exactly.

But at the same time, really fuck shit up.

Yeah, but at the same time, you do have to be respectful.

To a point.

Yeah, well, to a point, but yeah, you know, consensual play and limits are there for a reason.

Yeah, of course they are.

Yeah.

It's been very interesting.

You're welcome.

I'm still slightly haunted by those...

Bars?

Yeah, the bars.

Oh, let me just try one.

No.

Why?

I picked them up and everything.

I didn't know what they were, and then you told me what they were for, and I was like, oh, it's fucking too late.

It's already in my hand.

I hadn't even washed them.

No, I'm joking.

You better be fucking joking.

No, every, every, every single piece of equipment is sterilized in that dungeon.

I know.

I walked in the bathroom earlier on to find you tooth brushing a dildo.

Oh, yeah.

Well, because, well, you use condoms for dildos and stuff, but when they're sucking them, like, you don't want their saliva and stuff on there, so you've just got to do a good job.

You've got to get in the shaft.

You've got to get in the rubber molding bits.

You've got to get between the bowls.

Always got to do between the bowls.

Don't want to do that cross contamination.

I think that's in, like, in the food service.

Well, no, you can have cross contaminate.

You want to bet?

You want to bet?

You can get...

If boon hygiene will come around.

Honestly.

Well, there should be.

Every dungeon should have a hygiene test.

You should go around with those blue lights.

Oh, my God, the things you'd see.

Those little lights.

I do.

Like hotel rooms.

They're like, oh, you...

Black lights.

Oh, that's it.

Black lights.

Blue lights.

Send them to the police.

Don't send them around.

Please don't send them around.

Oh, you can send them around, and that would be 200 pounds.

Thank you.

Talking of policemen.

I've had one.

What?

Yeah, you have, haven't you?

I've had a policeman.

I've had a fireman.

I've had a politician.

I've had a doctor.

A barrister.

I've had quite a few of the old political figures.

They're always really fun, though.

I find them really, really fun because these are guys that have such huge responsibilities in their everyday jobs.

It must be a real release sometimes to come and visit someone who's a professional.

You don't have to think about it.

You just take it.

You're completely out of control, whereas you're normally in a very controlled environment.

You've got a high-powered job.

You're bossing other people around all day.

So it must be nice for them to shed their skin almost and come on down.

Literally come on down.

If they've been a good boy.

I still find most of this haunting.

I'm trying to get my head around a lot of it as we go along.

It doesn't really work.

There's so much going on.

Yeah.

Just roll with it.

Just roll with it.

Maybe one day you can come and sit in in the session.

I think I'm all right.

I think I'm busy that day.

I haven't told you the day.

Shit.

No.

And on that bombshell.

I've brought Jeremy in.

Jeremy!

Get your dick out.

Jamie, come here and show everyone what you've got.

That's it, I reckon.

Yeah?

We're done?

Can I go and smash a rather large drink into my face?

Did you think I was gonna say dick?

I had no idea what you were gonna say.

No one ever knows what's gonna come out of my mouth.

Cool.

Thank you guys so much for listening.

We have just...

I forgot what I was gonna say.

My brain stopped working again.

If you would like to ask any questions...

Oh, yeah, if you'd like to ask any questions, drop us a message over on Instagram, the Dan Vandal, or Twitter, the Dan Vandal, also.

And we'll be back with you in a couple of days.

We've got another podcast coming out because we forgot to release one last week because we're busy.

Because we're big fat poopy buttholes.

We've got quite a lot going on.

We're currently looking for a new studio space.

We're going to see it on Monday, and we will tell you more about that probably on Monday, I guess.

Yeah, we'll see how it goes.

Yeah, we'll see how it goes.

Oh, I've got a custom-made bed being made as well by Kinky Carpenter.

Kinky Carpenter.

I know, more on that on Monday.

Shout out Kinky Carpenter.

There's discount.

I know you're on a podcast.

Yeah, thank you guys all so much for listening, and we will catch you in the next one.

Toodle-pips.