Episode 04: The TV Licence Guy

Oooooh, new intro this week Ladies and Perverts, let us know what you think. So, in this week we cover the TV Licence guy, the new studio or dungeon, BDSM, what MP the Dominatrix has been up too in her week and we discuss some of the more rare kinks that involve, well...you'll see! We also get interrupted by the cat, MP messes up the intro...again and I make more excuses as to why I can't help her anymore.

Transcript (Auto generated)

Welcome, ladies and perverts, to the My wife is a DOMINATRIX podcast.

Coming to you from a dimly lit dungeon somewhere in the UK, with your hosts, Dan Vandal, and his very demanding wife, MP, a real life dick punching DOMINATRIX.

What's the weirdest thing a DOMINATRIX has ever been asked to do?

Hmm, I wonder, have you ever dreamed of owning your very own sexy time dungeon?

Yes, you have, you dirty boy.

Do you have any idea how difficult it is to get a DOMINATRIX out of a latex catsuit?

Spoiler alert, it's like wrestling an enraged baby oil covered chimp out of a trash bag.

Anyway, I'm getting sidetracked.

Join us to find out the answers to all the questions you've never asked yourself, and more, by simply stroking that follow button like a good girl.

Now strap on, I mean strap in, lube up, and get ready to be blown away.

Take it away, Danny, my man.

Hello, you naughty little fuckhounds.

Really?

Oh, I don't know, I never know what to say.

Every one we start, you come up with something obtuse.

I'm sorry.

Apologies.

Hello, everyone.

Hello, everyone.

It's me.

It's me, MP.

Oh dear, how's your week been this week?

Um, interesting.

I've had a few new clients, I've got a few new ones next week.

It seems to have really, um, picked up.

Yeah, you suddenly have an influx of I think it's COVID newbies.

Yeah, it's it's COVID, like everyone's been inside, trapped away, being secret perverts.

And now they've spent a whole year wanking to stuff on the internet.

They're now like, hey, I might want to give this a go.

Yeah, perhaps.

Yeah, they've probably completed Pornhub.

Yeah, they've like completed the internet.

So they're now like, I'm going to take this to the next level.

Yeah, because that seems to be how that sort of stuff works.

You know, like when you go on YouTube, to like figure out how to fix, I don't know, a dishwasher.

Yeah, and then you end up watching...

Four hours later, you're watching Sneezing Pandas.

And duck attacks, and yeah, weird stuff.

I think porn probably works the same way.

I think you go on there to watch some...

We've all been there.

Girl on girl.

Yeah, the porn hole.

And then three hours later.

You're there watching a tranny, getting fucked by a man in a furry bear costume.

Yeah.

Yeah, we've all been there.

We've had some really hard wanks, I won't lie.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Yeah, sometimes you feel like a monster afterwards, and you're like, I don't know how we came to this conclusion.

Post-nut clarity.

Yeah, there's that post-nut clarity.

I've had a few of them this week.

I've made a mistake.

Oh no, oh no, oh no, no, no, no, no.

Clear browsing history immediately.

Immediately.

I can't remember the last time I cleared mine.

I don't.

No, I don't think you do.

No, it's just up there.

There's a lot of frightening stuff on there, I imagine.

Yeah, for some people, but not for me.

I'm fearless.

I am, if you've seen what I've seen this week, I've been in the trenches.

Yeah, you've had a busy week, haven't you?

I've barely seen you.

I mean, assholes.

Okay, I've barely seen you this week.

I know, it's been great.

What?

Not very nice.

Apologies, again.

Go on, so tell me what you've done.

So I've done puppy.

Yeah, I've done puppy play.

He's a regular, my cat is meowing.

What else have I done?

I've done a few normal ones.

I've done a few, you know, just normal tie and tees.

Seducing ones.

I had a newbie who just wanted to have some introductions.

So a bit of light spanking.

I had some more veterans that like a heavy spanking.

I've tried some more sounding with the sound bars.

Oh my God, those things.

They're amazing.

They're really good.

No one's ever managed to get up to level four yet.

So we're working our way up.

It's really funny, because people are absolutely terrified, even subs.

They're like, I really want to try them.

And then once you stick them in there, they're like, oh my god, that looks terrifying.

It looks scary.

I don't know how I feel.

And they are terrifying.

You're like, how does it feel?

And they're like, I don't know how it feels.

I don't know.

I'm like, well, tell me how it feels.

And they're like, I cannot explain how it feels.

The cat's trying to break in.

I'm like, well, I have no idea how it feels.

I can't stick it in me.

You can.

He's just not trying hard enough.

It would do nothing.

No, this is true.

You'd probably lose it.

It's my new set.

Actually, you could probably leave them in the case.

Oh, shut up.

Honestly, the outrage.

Imagine if someone else spoke to me like this.

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah, you get angry, right?

Yeah, pretty angry pretty fast.

So I've got one I want you to touch base on because it made me laugh.

And it'll be quite a good story, I think, but we need to put down the backstory first.

So for anybody that doesn't live in the UK, that's listening, we have to have a TV license, don't we, here in the UK?

We do, indeed.

It's not very much.

It's like 13 quid or something, isn't it?

A month, yeah.

A month.

To allow you to watch, you know, standard terrestrial TV.

Oh, God, I know where this is going.

I mean, not a lot of people use it now because we all have Netflix and stuff, and nobody really watches normal telly anymore, do they?

No, I don't watch the BBC.

It's just not something I watch.

No, exactly.

I have a game, or we watch, yeah, Netflix, and chill.

Yeah, Netflix and chill.

Or I lay in the bedroom on my own watching stuff on my phone, listening to the screams of agony coming from the other part of the house.

I think you mean pleasure.

Yeah, I mean potato potato.

So the other day, you had a fella.

I did indeed, you do?

Turn up.

Pretending he was from the TV licensing department.

Brilliant, so funny.

He had the lanyard and everything.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, he had his badge, and he came in and I had to pretend that I was showing him to my TV so he could do some checks.

And instead of that, it was basically a role play, and he was gonna check my TV on a Sunday.

I don't like to work on a Sunday, but I allowed it this once.

And yeah, and he basically came to check my TV license, found out that I wasn't paying my TV license.

And what happened next is I beat the shit out of him until he gave me the okay for a free TV license.

That was the role play.

It was crazy, I wrestled him, I scissored him, I like legit went hams on him.

And yeah, he was just like, wow, that was amazing.

He left looking like a right old state, his hair like completely like ruffled.

Oh my God, it was so funny.

But on the plus side, we have-

I had to do half an hour of that, it was brilliant.

On the plus side, we have a years free TV license now.

Well, apparently so.

I don't know if it's legit.

If anyone from the BBC does come round, I've got proof, okay?

Yeah, we've got evidence.

I did a 30 minute session of beating the crap out of one of your employees.

Thanks for the free TV.

It was a very, very specific session, but I liked it.

I also had a very, very specific session, didn't I, at the weekend?

You had another weird one, though, didn't you?

Yeah, a new person got in touch, they emailed me through the website, and they wanted leather thigh high boots and opera gloves.

It's always kind of nice when they can be quite specific sometimes, because it gives you an idea of what they're into.

Sometimes it's just fucking annoying.

But yeah, he was very specific about what he liked.

He liked consensual, non-consensual, so he liked being forced to do things that he didn't want to do.

In brackets?

Yeah, so like, you can take it as far as you want to, really, but it's a really gray area.

And as he was new, it was kind of hard to gauge.

Those sessions are always a bit like, and it turns out the guy was actually just a student.

So, hold on, wait a minute.

I'm confused here.

So he wants you to make him do stuff that he says he doesn't want to do, but he actually does want to do.

Mm-hmm.

I think it's, yeah, it's mindfuck.

So basically, he wants me to force him to do things.

Oh, I know what this is like.

This is like RuPaul's Drag Race.

Like, you want to put it on.

I'm like, don't put that crap on.

But at the same time, I'm like, put it on.

Yeah, kind of like that.

You never know how far it's going to go or how much you're going to enjoy it, but he likes not having that control.

It was a very extreme degrading session as well.

Yeah, so he turned up and we just got straight into it.

Just got straight into it, like slapping him, face slapping, spinning his face, telling him he's an absolute silly billy.

Yeah, he's failing his grades.

He's failing his grades.

Well, I didn't realize that he was a student, but he's, yeah, he was a student, which was really funny.

He was spending his student loan money.

Student in the States is very different to student in the UK.

Oh, yeah, no, he was of age.

He even showed me, I'm not even joking.

He looked so young.

I was like, dude, I'm gonna have to see your ID.

So he showed me his ID.

How old, rough, you know, like ballpark how old?

24.

But he looked, he legit looked fresh out of school.

Fresh out of school.

Yeah, I was like, hmm, but I'm glad it's for his ID.

You're not worried you're gonna end up on some sort of register?

No.

Just a really sexy one.

Just a sexy one.

A sexy what?

Sexy DOM register.

A sexy offenders register.

No.

No, absolutely not, good Lord.

No, you have to be careful, you do.

Like the legalities of this can be...

Mind boggling.

Yeah, mind boggling.

So anyway, this little fella, and he was little.

He was like five foot five, he was tiny.

He was legit the tiniest little thing I'd ever seen.

He wanted it extreme.

He wanted it extreme.

He wanted it extreme.

He wanted it extreme.

To the point where I had to do a little piss in the glass.

Just a nice little piss in the glass.

And then I held his nose and I made him swallow it.

And then he was like, mistress, I'm really sorry, I'm going to need to throw up.

And I was like, cool, let's go to the toilet.

So I literally put my hands down his throat and made him throw up.

What the fuck?

Yeah, and he really enjoyed that.

He really, really enjoyed that.

I don't know, everyone's into different things.

It was really fun.

I really enjoy that level of control, though.

I'm really sadistic.

I'm actually quite a-

I am, I'm quite a sick bitch.

I come across all nice and caring, but do you turn this way?

You don't think you can do that?

Not to you.

You don't pay me enough.

That the truth.

But yeah, no, he was sick, and then we did some more degrading, some forced buy, pretending I was gonna pimp him out.

That seems to be quite a common fantasy.

Yeah, like he doesn't want to do it, but it's the fantasy of it.

Right.

So I put a strap on, and like literally fucked his throat senseless.

And then he masturbated on his knees for me, and then I made him eat that too.

And then he had to have a little lie down, because he nearly passed out.

He's like, I'm so sorry, I've never come so hard in my life.

I feel really, he was an absolute state, honestly.

I was like, oh my god, lie down, here's a pillow, first aid, aftercare, for like at least 20 minutes, just talking him down and everything.

It was, yeah, it was insane.

But this-

Achievement unlocked.

He was just like, oh, my head is spinning.

He's had a great time, because he's not stopped texting since, which is great.

The downside to the session was, he was a little poor student.

And he'd got a taxi here, because we live in the middle of nowhere.

And we went to order a taxi for him afterwards, and there were no taxis running.

So I had to get dressed.

Oh, yeah, I remember.

And had to take him to his uni halls, which made me feel like his mum.

And he paid me in a packet of CBD cigarettes.

Can't make this show up.

What a ridiculous story.

I know, can't make this show up.

Bless him, he was ever so sweet, though.

He had a scar on him, and I was like, what the fuck is that?

It's like a big bump on his shoulder.

And he'd gone to see a DOMINATRIX in London, and she'd stubbed a fag down on him, and it had left a serious, it's a really big bump.

And he didn't want that.

He was like, I didn't want that, I didn't ask for it, I like forced stuff, but that was a bit too much for me.

And then he was telling me some absolute horror stories, and I'm like, you're 24, you're a tiny little dude.

I'm surprised at the stuff you've been through.

He'd gone to see another DOMINATRIX, turned up at the door, and there were two big gym lads that literally beat the shit out of him.

What?

Yeah, it was terrifying.

He was just like, I don't know, just because, and then took his money and did a runner.

Oh, really?

Yeah, it can be really scary.

It can be legit scary for a sub.

That's crazy, I've never heard of it that way around.

Yeah, it's terrifying.

Everyone is always like, are you safe?

Are you safe?

Yeah, obviously, that's like a massive factor, but you don't ever hear of it the other way around.

No, but it can be really scary.

I couldn't imagine being a guy who's naturally submissive anyway, turning up to an unknown address.

You don't know what you're walking into.

You don't know who you're really meeting.

You could be a catfish.

It could literally be a bloke and a wig.

You go through the door and that's it.

You're like, shit, shit.

And they're like, give me your fucking money and break your legs or something.

It must be terrifying.

That's why people have to really, really do their research.

Oh, absolutely.

100%.

And I've spoken to a lot of subs who have told me very recently that they kind of like the domestic setting for a dungeon, because I've been looking for a place to move my dungeon to.

Yeah, we've been looking for a little while, haven't we?

Yeah, like I really want a nice industrial unit, but at the same time, dungeons can be really intimidating.

And a lot of subs I found actually like the domestic setting.

Yeah, but there's no reason that you can't make a dungeon more homely to a point.

It doesn't need to be full of German techno music and screams, does it?

Do you know what I was talking about this the other day?

You think you can have pot plants?

Yeah, I've got like a couple.

A little pansy.

I've got loads of them under the bed, hee hee hee.

So no, I was talking about a music playlist for the dungeon.

And I think everyone's different.

Like I don't think I could do dungeon German porn, because when I'm doing my session, I wanna have it a particular way.

For me, the subs come to see me.

I'm not gonna cater everything for them.

They're there to serve me.

And I like to have music on that I want to work to.

There's nothing, it's like being in the car with your significant other, and they're playing music that they like.

And you're like, hey, fuck off, I'm driving.

This is my car, this is my music.

And so I was trying to come up with a playlist.

And it was, yeah, it's really hard.

Have you ever tried to come up with a BDSM playlist?

Oh, all the time, yeah.

Yeah, all the time.

All the time.

Just compiling a playlist.

I've sort of nailed it.

But yeah, any welcome additions, if anyone's got any ideas for some great songs.

My playlist is just full of right said Fred.

Deeply dippy.

Yeah, imagine that coming on halfway through.

When I'm in his arsehole, tearing him a new one.

Do, do, boobie.

So yeah, no, that was some.

That's what I've got to do.

I've got to work on my playlist.

Could add some more because I've only got about an hour and a half of music and when you've got a three hour session, putting on repeat can be quite distracting.

To be fair though, most of the time, the music is the last thing on the subs mind.

But I like to, it's like people like to work to music.

I also like to work to music.

If I'm pegging someone, then sometimes the rhythm can help.

That's very true.

That is.

Be like really careful, you don't put something up too fast.

The Vengar boys are coming, and everybody's jumping.

That would be quite a good one.

That would be.

We like to party.

No, that would be really off-putting.

Yeah, you don't want like pendulum playing in the background.

You end up ripping somebody.

Oh my God, could you imagine?

Finish the session and have two subs, when only one turned up.

Wear it like a puppet.

So also this week, because I mean, it's been a bit, it's been a good week, and at the same time, it's been a bit of a terrible week.

Well, I mean, I've broken my arm.

Oh yeah, but no one cares.

No, the right people don't.

I've broken my elbow and my wrist, falling off a motorbike.

It bits your left arm, so it's not a useful one.

This is true.

So I've not been at work.

So you've had to sit there.

So, yeah, but at the same time, I did start a TikTok.

You did a TikTok.

I'm now down with the children.

You are.

Look at you, hip hop happening thing.

Yeah, I can't do any of the dances.

No.

I mean, purely because I don't wish to.

I would love to actually see you do one.

I think everybody's sick of them now.

Yeah.

Have you seen the parents in the supermarket?

She goes to the supermarket, there's parents with teenage children.

They look like they're having a fit, don't they?

The teenage children are just fitting around the shop.

Yeah, and the baked bean are.

Just got like this internal TikTok song going on in their mind.

You're like, no.

Throwing their arms about stuff, you're like, what the fuck?

I do feel like I've missed the TikTok.

I'm like, not part of that generation.

No, I'm good with that.

I'm all right.

But yeah, you did a TikTok, and it's gone all right, isn't it?

I did some TikToks, it's gone, yeah, it's done better than I wanted.

It's done really well.

Except from the TikTok police keep putting it down.

Like, what is it, okay?

If this is 18 plus, then it's like the internet.

It is like the internet, like-

It is the internet, yeah.

No, but like you, porn, they're not taking things down.

People are just responsible.

You don't let your children see that.

If you go on TikTok, this is 18 plus, don't do it.

Don't do it.

And half the time, you can't even post anything too naughty on there.

Like, I've got me kicking a dildo across the garden, and that's okay.

That's fine.

But me tracing my fingers down my latex costume, that's not okay.

But there's not nudity, there's nothing.

There's no dildos, there's nothing.

It's just me, my fingers, and some latex.

And that's it.

But they say no, and they ban you.

Yeah, I've had a similar scenario.

I'm on about 80,000 views or something like that now.

I put a video of you washing some eggplants, let's say, in the sink, and sticking them on the mirror.

And that was fine.

And that's fine, that's still up.

But me measuring eggplants in the bedroom.

And then I put a video of Taco cleaning his balls.

Yeah, and that was not okay.

And they got immediately taken down.

And then I got a 48-hour ban, and then they removed the video from TikTok land.

So you're allowed to wash your dicks in the sink, but your cat is not allowed to wash his balls on the bed.

No, no, no, that's very much not allowed.

Apparently.

Apparently it's too sexual.

Yeah, I even-

Who is classing this as a sexual thing?

That's the worrying.

I even blurred out his-

Eggplant.

Gentleman's area.

With an eggplant emoji, just so they didn't get upset.

They still took it down.

That's crazy, maybe there was too much ball in it.

He's got a lot of ball for a cat.

I think he's just too handsome.

He's too handsome for the internet.

He'd just break the internet, wouldn't he?

He would.

I think that's what's happened.

But anyway, whilst I've been off, and I've done the TikToks, you took me shopping, didn't you, yesterday?

We did, we went for a nice little shop.

I don't know if it was a nice shop.

I had a little sissy session yesterday, actually, didn't I, so I went shopping for that.

I don't remember.

Yeah.

Yesterday, I had a session.

Did you?

Was it good?

Yeah, it was actually really good.

Came four times, that was fun.

That's got to be some sort of record.

You'd be spitting dust after an hour.

Yeah, there was just nothing left.

It was like powdered milk.

Desert balls.

Like somebody blowing ashes out of their hands.

Yeah, but you took me shopping to a sex, what do they call it now?

Market?

An adult superstore.

Adult supermarket?

Superstore.

Oh, superstore.

Okay, that's not as funny as I remember it being.

Yeah, that was interesting.

It was very expensive, actually.

They took the piss.

It's an expensive shop, yeah, but it was still interesting.

Oh yeah, it was interesting.

There was a lot, a lot, a lot of dicks.

All the dicks.

There were even really old vibrators there as well, like retro.

Yeah, there was, yeah, I noticed that.

Like who even uses battery power ponds?

They still had VHS in there.

Oh my god.

Did you see it out the back?

Yeah, little old man, little old man's, little old man's love their VHS's.

That's crazy, I didn't know you could still buy VHS's.

Old school porn.

Yeah, they had a lot of them.

God, they still sell loads of DVD's and everything, and I'm like, the internet.

I like the Thailand ladyboys fuck tourists VHS.

The gilfs.

I look really good.

Did it?

Yeah.

Why didn't you get it?

Don't have a VHS player.

Oh.

Sadden your hearts.

I should have asked if they had it.

So yeah, what did we buy?

On DVD at least.

What did we buy?

I bought some hog ties, some proper lever restraints.

I've just ordered some chain ones off the internet as well, some proper heavy, heavy, hardcore ones for my latex sessions.

Mm-hmm, stop people running away.

Yeah.

Not that they've got any choice because I break their legs.

What?

What else did we get?

I got two dildos, a nine inch and six inch.

Because you never know what someone can take.

Everyone always says, oh, I can take it, I can take it.

And you like poke a little finger in there like, oh, that's my butthole.

Yeah, I've never said any of that.

No.

I can't.

It makes my eyes water thinking about it.

I tried to get into your arse once, and you were like, it was literally like giving someone a rectal exam.

You were like, no, no, no, no, no.

But then you quite like rimming, so.

Yeah.

You can handle a tongue, but not a finger.

That's where the confusion came from.

You said, do you want to play Skyrim?

And I said, absolutely.

And then you tried to shove a finger up my bum.

And a tongue.

Tastes delicious.

Stop it.

So yeah, no, most people say they can take a really big one, but they can't.

So I bought a new vibrating remote control plug, which is quite small.

And it's very, very handy.

Good.

Want to give it a go?

No, no, I don't know.

Not in any way do I want to do that.

It's really fun.

For whom?

Who was in control of the remote?

For the man with the G-spot up his bum.

The what?

The G-spot up his bum.

Oh, yeah, no, I'm good.

Honestly, I'm busy.

It's there for a reason.

What reason's that?

To come.

No, it's not.

Where?

I'm gonna have to look up why it's there now.

After this, I'm gonna Google it.

Google.

I'm gonna put it in next week's podcast.

Can you put some images up?

No, it's a podcast.

So I've got some notes written down here that you've written down for me.

And I can't really read them.

Why?

But one of them is, what the top things that you like in subs?

Oh, what I like from subs, loyalty, respect, manners, obedience.

What else do I like?

I like good boys, I don't like brats.

I don't like bratty, bratty subs.

It just gets really annoying really fast.

I don't like subs who say they're gonna do something, and they don't.

You get that all the time, especially on the internet.

They're like, oh, mistress, I'm gonna send you some money, I'm gonna send you some money.

And you're like, cool.

Two days later, still nothing.

And you're like, cool, thanks for wasting my time, pal.

Yeah, you've mentioned that quite a few times.

You get a lot of people trying to pay for sessions with like random shit as well, don't you?

Yeah, like Amazon vouchers, their girlfriends' knickers and stuff.

I'm like, dude, no.

Like, could you imagine going to Tesco's?

Here's five goats and a camel.

Will that suffice?

No.

Could you imagine going to Tesco's to do a weekly shop, and then get into the counter and say, right, I haven't got any cash, but what I can offer you is this old lady's underwear, and half a litre of diesel that I found.

They'd be like, no, pal.

It's bizarre.

Why do they think they can pay for this, your services, with just random items?

I have no idea, because generally, it's really, really horny guys who are either drunk, pissed up, or stoned.

They get in this super horny frenzy, and they're just like, oh my god, oh my god, I need to come right now, and I wanna be degraded and stuff, and then they just, they're like, oh, will you take an Amazon voucher?

No, no, I won't, no thank you.

That's weird, right?

An Amazon voucher's a gift.

Yeah.

You wanna gift a mistress, that's absolutely fine, but don't go paying for a session or a playtime session, because it's just really poor manners.

An Amazon voucher is the kind of gift you get from your coworkers.

Yeah, or your grandma at Christmas, when she can think of anything else to give you.

It's like, it is literally.

No, at least your grandma would slip a tenner in a card.

She'll definitely slip her something.

But yeah, your coworkers, they're likely to chip together and get you an Amazon voucher, aren't they?

And sometimes it can be really useful, but half the stuff that I want, I can't get on Amazon.

No, you can't.

Do you know how hard it is to find milking machines and stuff like that on Amazon?

Very hard?

Yeah, it's very hard.

There's like one, and it's like 600 quid, and it's shit.

Oh.

And I've completed Amazon for body suits, DOM wear.

I mean, I don't need any more clothes.

So it's pretty much, yeah, it's pretty shitty.

Like, give me actual money for the session, and then I can go and buy more stuff to make the sessions better.

Yeah, because you get through a lot of equipment.

Accoutrements, don't you?

I do, indeed.

Like gloves and wipes.

See, people don't realize this when they come for a session.

Five litre tubs of lubricant.

Yeah, one litre tub.

So people don't realize how expensive it is.

It's not just gloves, condoms.

It's cleaning equipment.

It's cleaning equipment.

You need special sex cleaning equipment.

It's the time that you take sterilizing everything.

Equipment, as well.

You have to buy some sort of special sterilizer.

Otherwise, it breaks down the PVC, or whatever it is.

Yeah, it breaks down the toilet and leaves staining and stuff.

And you need to clean them properly.

You need to dry them.

It's not as easy as everyone thinks.

That dungeon has thousands of pounds of equipment in it.

Oh, and the rest.

I'm getting a custom made bed next week.

That's gonna cost me like nearly a grand.

So this stuff isn't cheap.

I think people will come into it thinking, oh, I can be a DOM, I can do this.

And you know, you can find kitchen equipment, which is really good and can be a good toy.

But if you want to be a professional, then you have to invest.

Oh yeah, there's a huge difference between being a DOMINATRIX, I'm doing air quotes, DOMINATRIX at home with your fella and doing it full time is so different.

My friend who owns a post office, a girl came in apparently in the local area and said, oh, I'm just here to pick up a parcel.

And she's like, oh, anything nice?

And she went, yeah, it's my new DOM gear.

She's like, oh, okay, cool.

She's like, what is it?

Oh, just a little PVC body suit.

Yeah, I'm a professional DOMINATRIX.

She's like, oh, you've got your own, no.

Why would you announce that in the post office?

I don't know, it's really weird.

It's a weird thing to announce.

That'd be like me going to Sainsbury's.

Hello, I haven't lost my mum.

I just wanted to let you all know on this tannoy that I'm a professional DOMINATRIX.

Thank you.

Strange, isn't it?

It is a bit strange.

But yeah, so there's another one in the hood.

Yeah, there's loads of them pop up all the time, but I think-

No, they pop up and then they fade away pretty quickly when they realize how much time and effort they need to spend.

Yeah, it is.

It's not just the expense.

It's the time.

DOMs make clips.

We video some of our sessions.

We do OnlyFans, we do AVN, we completely interact with our subs.

It is a full-time job.

DOMs don't have a day off, and I've got another job, so do you know what I mean?

It is, I'm constantly juggling everything, and people just think, oh, it's really, really easy.

It's not.

It's not at all.

Having to plan for a session, you can't just have someone turn up and just be like, all right, let's go, because most of the time, they've got specific kinks that they want filled, and if they're paying for a service, then they're gonna want to receive that service.

So you can't just make it, well, you can make it up as you go, if you're quite creative.

Sometimes I do.

Yeah, but you can only make it up as you go, if you're creative, and you have all of the shit in your room that they may ask for.

Imagine someone come around, I'd like an hour, please.

Okay, I've got a wooden spoon.

All right, let's go.

Like, all right, pal.

I've got a wooden spoon and a peg from Audi.

Yeah, there you go.

Let's go crazy, kiddo.

And a pair of chopsticks.

Let's go.

Although, actually, that could be quite a good session.

Stripping it back to basics.

But yeah, no, people, when they pay for a session, they just don't realize, inexperienced ups, they don't realize how much effort goes into it.

It's not just the cleaning, the sterilizing.

It's the getting dressed.

It's the getting ready.

Latex.

I won't do for anything less than an hour because it takes me about half an hour to get in the suit, as you well know.

He hates latex.

Oh, my God.

We have a fight every single time I'm getting ready to DOM.

The funny thing is, I'm having a new intro made for this podcast by quite a popular voiceover artist, and that's in the intro.

You hate it, don't you?

It's something about your latex.

It'll be quite funny.

I can't wait.

Hopefully, I might actually delay this by day.

I'll do this podcast and put it out once the new...

Voiceover's on.

Voiceover's on.

Or maybe I'll just bang it out tonight and drop the next one.

Well, latex is really, really hard.

I make it harder for myself because I keep forgetting to order dressing aid.

So dressing aid is like literally like basting a turkey, and then it slips on easier, but I keep forgetting.

And so I'm trying to put latex on, and I have to rub my whole body with lube instead.

Because you can only use certain things for latex, otherwise it breaks down really quickly.

You can't use silicon-based or something, isn't it?

Is it silicon-based that breaks down latex or vice versa?

Or is it water-based?

It's one of them.

Water-based is okay, but then it doesn't stay slippery very long.

So you've only got like two minutes to get the gear on.

Two minutes, yeah.

Which is just a bullet, especially a cat suit.

Dresses and stuff tend to be better, but cat suits, yeah, can take a really long time, especially if you've got gloves, hoods, little feet things, tight stock.

The list goes on and on and on.

I've just ordered two custom latex pieces that you can help me get into next week.

No, I'm busy that day.

I haven't told you what day.

And you've also got to get out of them as well, which again is just...

Oh, that's easy.

You just roll it, slip it, it's the washing bit.

You have to wash your latex, you have to dry it, you have to hang it up, you have to...

If you mix latex colors, they can rub on each other, so I can't store a pink skirt with a black catsuit and things like that.

Oh, you've learned from that one, haven't you?

I know, I've ruined that, that was so gutting.

But yeah, and latex is really expensive, so you have to look after it.

It is like a high expensive piece that you really...

You need to look after them, so...

The catsuit's about 250 quid.

250 pounds.

250 of the purest pounds.

That's a lot of pounds.

Yeah, for an outfit.

And it's a lot of work, and it always makes me laugh when you get a cam session, or you get someone that's like, Mistress, I'd like to come see you for 15 minutes.

Can you wear your latex catsuit?

I'm like, can I fuck?

It'd take me longer than that.

Okay, come and see for 15 minutes, and you can have me put the latex catsuit on, and then we still won't have any time to do anything, because it would have taken me that long to get in it.

Yes.

Ridiculous.

Honestly, some of the requests you get for a five minute cam session, can you make me come twice and tame a dragon and drink a vampire's blood?

Oh yeah, of course, of course I can.

Yeah, yeah man.

Put the kettle on whilst you're there.

All for 25 pounds, okay pow.

No.

Honestly, some people, ridiculous.

So what have I got going on next week?

I've got latex next week, so I will have to require your services for that.

I've got the custom-

Absolutely not.

Look, I've got custom made latex coming, it's easier to get into, it's a three piece.

One doesn't care.

No.

Help her go on.

I don't get paid for this.

You get paid in love.

From whom?

I don't know, someone down the road.

I don't know, I haven't found her yet.

What have I got?

I'm seeing one of my subs, who I haven't seen for a little while.

He attributes lovely little gifts, comics, artwork, bath bombs.

He's popping down for the week, so I will go and spend some time with him, which will be nice to catch up.

What else have I got going on?

I've got a new one tomorrow, a very extreme one.

A lot of water sports, and not the wakeboarding kind.

Not the what?

Wakeboarding.

I don't know why I said it like that, wakeboarding.

The wakeboarding.

Okay.

Not the surfing kind.

The dirty water sports kind.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've got you.

I'm just trying to blank that bit out of my brain.

You're so annoying.

And what else have I got?

I've got my lovely lovely older gentleman.

He's coming over.

I've got puppy on Friday.

I've got quite a full week, actually.

It's nice.

I like it when it's all done in advance.

Are you pretty much fully booked this week now or not?

Yeah, yeah.

And next week, I've already got bookings for.

See, this is what DOM's like.

We like it when people book in advance.

I cannot stand it when someone books last minute, and they're like, can I have A, B, C, D?

To be fair, though, you don't often have last-minute spaces available anyway.

No, but people will still always ask.

You do get asked a lot, don't you?

I'm like, no, no.

It's just not happening.

There's too much effort you've got to put in.

Setting up the room, coming up with a session plan, things like that.

It's not a quick easy.

It's not like a sex worker.

They can have a quick shower, put a little bit of makeup on, go.

I've got equipment, I've got outfits.

It's a whole different ball game.

I mean, it's all sex work at the end of the day, but there's different elements to it.

I would say ours is more equipment-based-wise.

We've got so many different tools and so many different fetishes, whereas if you go and see a lady of the night, these lovely ladies, then it's generally just you are the equipment, as opposed to having to use lots of equipment.

To put it nicely, yeah.

To put it nicely?

Yeah.

Okay, yeah.

I mean, it kind of makes sense, right?

Yeah, there's more overheads for DOM than there is a sex worker.

That's why DOMs command a higher price.

And then, I mean, if they're booking last minute, there's no cancellation period or anything, is there?

No.

Because normally you have...

I don't see anyone without a deposit.

It's just by rule.

I won't do it.

So today...

Explain why.

It's just for security.

Uh-huh.

You don't know who's coming to your door, and I know a lot of people want to keep it anonymous and hide it from their wives, but it's purely for protection.

It's stupid.

No amount of money is worth risking your life or your safety for.

So essentially, you take deposits via PayPal or bank transfer or whatever.

Yeah.

Because then you've got their name or email address.

Yeah, it can be traced.

Card details or anything like that.

Not that I ever want to check up on them and stuff.

No, but if anything went wrong...

If anything, yeah, went wrong, then that's...

Something can be done about it.

I've got a door cam as well, so...

Well, you've got cameras all over the place.

But that's not the point.

Deposit is just...

They're showing they're serious.

They're showing they're committed.

There's nothing more heart breaking than spending a really long time getting ready, getting your makeup done, doing your hair, getting all ready for a session for someone then to just not turn up.

It's disgusting.

It's rude.

It's a waste of time.

And do you know what?

There's so many time wasters out there.

I'm not going to spend an hour of my time getting ready, planning a session and everything, if there's not even a deposit.

It's pointless because they won't turn up.

It takes you an hour to get ready for a bloody Skype session.

Well, I like to look nice.

Some people do it in their pajamas, and some people like to dress up, and I like to dress up.

I like to give it a really authentic dorm experience.

So, yeah.

That's fair enough, isn't it?

So I collected a deposit today.

This guy obviously has a wife and doesn't want a paper trial.

So he came and delivered the cash by hand, and I'll see him tomorrow.

Yeah, but then, like, you've just gone against what you just said.

You don't have any paper trial or anything.

No, because I've seen his number plate.

He came in his car.

I've got his number plate.

Yeah.

So, all right, he's easily traceable through his number plate.

I've seen in his car.

Is this the chap that has, like, lots of...

Yeah, loads of reviews.

See, that's always handy as well.

He's obviously a well-seasoned person on this particular site, because he's got a lot of good reviews.

But even he doesn't get away with not paying a deposit.

So I don't care if you've got 1,000 and a billion reviews.

If you don't have a deposit, then I'm not going to see you.

It's not worth it.

I don't care if it's a million pounds.

I still won't see you.

Really?

I think I'd push you there.

No.

If it was a million pounds.

I'd drag you there kicking and screaming.

No, I've had some really, really good offers.

I had some guy offer me 10 grand to sleep with me once, and I was like, no.

You're barking at the wrong tree, pal.

No.

You've had lots of outrageous offers, haven't you?

Didn't you have somebody offer to take you to...

Where was it?

Yeah.

Or something?

Yeah, some guys offer to pay for my flights and everything to Dubai.

I suddenly need to think about it.

Scotland.

Yeah, I've had Scotland.

It's not uncommon for DOMs to go on...

Portugal was another one.

Yeah, it's not uncommon for subs to fly DOMs over and have a session.

Is it not?

No.

And DOMINATRIXs do tours as well, so they're going to book up a hotel or a dungeon or something, and then they offer a day of DOMing in a different place, but they advertise in advance and get...

Oh, right, so you could go to, say, Manchester, and book a hotel in Manchester, and then put the word out.

Yeah.

Anybody in Manchester want me to come and smack their bottoms.

Yeah.

And then, yeah, so a lot of DOMs...

And then they just form an orderly queue outside your hotel room, and then they come in and get their bottoms smacked.

Yeah.

And that's quite good, I suppose.

And it changes it up for the subs, doesn't it?

Because if they go and see the same DOMINATRIXs all the time, then, you know, it might get a little bit stagnant.

But you do get quite a lot of requests from people that are further away, or far away enough that they can't travel here.

That's why I tend to do a lot of CAM with those kind of people, because they want to see me, they like what I'm about, but they, you know, it's just too long.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's a stopgap until I can travel.

But then you still, are you still having people come here from, like, Bristol, London?

Yeah, Yorkshire, Newcastle, everywhere.

We've had some real long travellers, haven't we?

One guy did like a 12-hour round trip, that was mental.

That's just mad.

So that was up in Yorkshire, wasn't it?

Yes, it was.

Yeah.

That's a long, old day.

Do you remember that guy that I punched in the dick a hundred times?

He had to do a three-hour.

Sitting on a sore bum as well.

Wasn't a sore bum, he had a sore dick.

Do you remember?

I punched his dick so hard it turned black.

I don't remember.

One of the first ones I did when I kicked him, and I punched him for a hundred times.

Yeah, he was up for a three-hour drive here, and then a three-hour drive back, an hour session here.

On black testicles.

I don't know how he made it home.

He texted me when he got home and was like, lovely, I was like, you poor fucker.

Don't fancy that in any way, shape or form.

His penis was white, and it left black.

I'd never seen a penis in such a state in my life.

Really?

I felt really proud that I'd done that.

In a really sick way.

Yeah, there is.

You need to speak to your therapist more often.

You are my therapist.

Let's talk.

Let's chat.

Let's chat more scat babes.

Talking of scat, I get off of that all the time.

You do, don't you?

Why'd you do that?

If somebody gave you, I don't know, £2.50...

No.

To sh...

what?

No.

I haven't finished my sentence.

I wouldn't do anything for £2.50.

I don't know how much you charge.

I'm just picking a number.

If somebody paid you however much it is you want to be paid...

Yep...

.

for a regular...

Would I shit in their mouth?...

scenario, would you defecate on them?

No.

I don't think I could.

I'm quite poo shy.

There's no certain times of the day that one needs to unload, so...

Yeah.

I mean, like, the fighting stuff that I do and I sell, that's really, really popular, and part of that, they're like, oh, do you go a little bit further?

And I mean, I once sharted, which was horrendous in a pair of jeans.

But yeah, no, it's just...

I don't think it's my thing.

I can't be passionate about something that I don't love.

It would be...

No, seriously, for any amount of money...

Did we just use the words passionate and love whilst talking about shitting on somebody?

Yeah, I wouldn't love it.

I don't think I would love it.

Yeah, it's not for me.

You don't think you'd love it.

No, well, I've not tried it.

That's something you have to consider.

You have to genuinely think about whether you would enjoy shitting on somebody or not.

But I ever thought I'd really enjoy pissing on someone until I did it, and then I was like, haha, you're my bitch, and I actually quite enjoyed it.

It's the power exchange, it's the control, it's pushing someone to that extreme level, which is like really...

But yeah, I don't think I could shit in someone's mouth.

I don't think...

I didn't say shit in their mouth.

Jesus Christ, man, where are you going with this?

I don't think I could shit on a coffee table full of glass and then sat under it.

Like I've seen in the past.

I don't know.

Some people do it and some people don't.

I just don't think I'd be able to let one drop.

That is...

I just don't think I could do it.

That is something else, isn't it?

I'll talk about it in a session.

I'll be like, yeah, I'm gonna shit in your mouth, you dirty little sod.

But when it comes around to the actual technicalities of it, I don't know if I could.

See, this is the weird thing.

The other day, on the last podcast, we were talking about how people have arrived at the kinks that they're currently involved in.

What the fuck happened to you?

That you are now one of those people that likes to have shit on you.

Yeah, like, when you first...

How did you come around tasting it?

This is my point.

How did you get to that point where you're like, you know what I really fancy today?

A bowl of shit.

I really fancy somebody...

And shit is so different in consistency as well.

Like, you never know if you're going to get a sloppy or a big...

But how do you know?

You never know what's going to come out.

It's like a box of chocolates.

You never know what you're going to get.

That's exactly how that bit went in Forrest Gump.

Yeah.

Yeah, that was the first take.

Legit, though, you don't know if...

I can't tell if it's going to be a sloppy or a hard one.

Well, you know, you might have a dodgy tummy, and it might just be, oh, no, slipped out.

You just don't know.

And then you've got all of the stuff like infection and things like that, like...

Yeah.

It's only recently I've got into sounding, because I was a little bit worried about infection and things like that.

I'm quite scrupulous with my hygiene when it comes to the dungeon.

I'm forever sterilizing dicks.

You are.

I'm forever sterilizing equipment.

And so for me, I've only just recently got into the sounding bars, because I was really worried about, like, infection and things like that.

Because that's a big thing.

You could really hurt someone like that.

Well, yeah, of course.

And that's not the good kind of hurt.

Jamming a metal bar down their bell end.

That's not the good kind of hurt.

I love hurting people.

But, yeah, no, I think with the poop, it's dangerous.

Eating human feces is full on dangerous.

You can get E coli, everything.

I can barely deal with having this conversation.

I mean, no shame.

No shame to anyone that's into this scat play.

No, all the shame, it's gross.

It's gross.

Yeah, it's gross to you, but then you find lots of stuff gross.

But no shame, because we don't kink shame here.

We're a kink-friendly people.

I'm kink-shaming.

That is gross.

Don't kink shame.

But yeah, it's just the technicalities of it.

Like, how would I know that I needed to poop?

What kind of poop would it be?

Would they get poorly?

The clean up job.

It sounds like there's a lot involved in this.

There is a lot involved.

There is a lot involved.

Maybe you need to talk to a scat mistress.

Who does the clean up?

Exactly.

Well, they do.

Whose job is that?

I don't even mind sick.

So it's not like it's something that really, really freaks me out.

I just think...

Well, well, well, well, well.

What do you mean you don't mind sick?

I don't mind the sick.

Like me forcing them to be sick by choking them out on a dick or my finger.

That doesn't even bother me.

I'm not even, like...

I'm not even phased.

Those things, and water sports, and farting, none of that phases me.

I can't even hear somebody else about to be sick.

If I hear that, I'm out of there.

I'm done for the night.

I'm going home.

Thank you for your time.

Honestly, anytime I've been anywhere, out with the lads, out, out, if somebody gets a bit ill and they go, I'm like, nope, see you later, boys.

I'm out.

I'm going home.

Yeah, no, technical wise, I don't know how it works.

It's not my kink.

It's not my thing.

I'm not passionate about it.

I don't love it.

And I only do things that I truly like or things that might interest me.

I could never get off on doing something like that, I don't feel.

Although actually, I used to think that about farting, and I started doing the farts, and I actually really enjoyed it.

I think it's a power control.

For me, the biggest thing is the power play.

It's the control.

It's making them do stuff that they don't want to do, but they're taking it.

Yeah, I think the be all and end all, if it is, is you're just a bit of a bossy cow.

And you like people just doing whatever it is you tell them to do.

Yeah, that's my biggest kink.

You don't get that from me very much.

No, I don't.

That's why I'm so glad that I do what I do, because it really is a lifestyle for me.

Oh, absolutely, yeah.

100%.

I'm not just a rent-a-dom.

I'm not someone that just does it for the money.

I genuinely love what I do, and I come out of a session, and I feel a bit like, oh, I really liked that.

I know.

You come out of the session sometimes, and you come over to me, and you're like, go and put the kettle on.

I'm like, oh, bless you.

You're confused, aren't you?

But do you know what?

I think a lot of DOMINATRIX isn't like that.

Do you reckon?

Yeah, yeah.

Do you know, a lot of DOMINATRIXers marry their subs, and a lot of DOMINATRIXers also have vanilla partners.

There's like a real mix up.

It's a real mix up.

I kind of like the fact that we've got a mix up.

How do you mean?

Like, I kind of like the fact that you're not submissive all the time, because if you're submissive all the time, it might be a little bit boring.

I don't think I'm submissive ever.

Every single partner I have had has been a submissive.

You're the only one that I've ever been with that hasn't been submissive.

Okay.

And maybe that's why it's not worked.

I don't know, maybe give me a bit of banter back, and I'll like it.

I pretend not to, but I'm like, haha.

Yeah, maybe.

Yeah, I think.

And I like that you, well, let me, you don't let me.

I like that you support me.

In my DOM work.

Oh, I drive you, I don't support you.

Yeah, you're like, yeah, you could do this, because sometimes I have a bit of a wobble, and I'm like, oh, I'm not feeling great, I'm not feeling good, and you're the hype man in the background, like, whoop, whoop.

Oh yeah, yeah, I'll hype you up, because I know it's something you enjoy doing.

And I like the fact that you're sort of not into it.

Yeah, sometimes I like that.

It's nice to have those two different things, like I can go and live my little kink, disgusting, fetish world thing, and then I can come out and just be normal and vanilla sometimes.

I like that, but then I can take you to the dick shop and you'll be like, hmm, what about this one?

Yeah.

And I like that.

Yeah, I get involved, it doesn't bother me, I'm just me, really, I just sort of bumble away, bumble through life doing my own thing.

I like that I'm in a relationship where it's accepted.

I don't think I could ever be in a relationship with someone that didn't accept me, because I'm not like everyone else.

I've always been a bit different, and I think that's what led me to be a DOM, is because I am.

I don't think that there's very many people, very many fellas out there, that would support their other half, doing what you do.

No, vanilla-wise, no.

Cuck holds, 100%.

Yeah, but that's just a whole...

But there's plenty of cucks out there, that would, and they like it.

Do you reckon?

Yeah, there's loads.

It's all over the internet.

Please go and Google it.

I don't think I'm going to Google that.

But they do, they love it.

And Submissive Men, yeah.

Yeah, there are lots of people, but vanilla people-wise, probably not.

Am I vanilla?

You're more vanilla than I.

I wouldn't say you're a DOMINATRIX, you donut.

Yeah, no, I wouldn't say you're 100% vanilla, but you are-

I don't do missionary at half past seven on a Wednesday.

That's vanilla to me.

But you're more vanilla.

Because you do it at half past seven on Wednesday, because the extenders isn't on.

Okay, but you're not someone who has a fetish or a kink.

What are your kinks?

What are your fetishes?

Give me three.

What am I, sorry, what?

What are your fetishes?

What are your kinks?

Give me three.

I don't really know.

Exactly.

Like, I have fetishes, I have kinks.

What are your, give me three of your kinks.

Latex, I love the feeling of it, I love being in it.

Powerplay, control exchange, I love that.

And I'm sadistic, so I really like hurting people.

So, there's already three.

Well, then mine are cuddles, pizza, and what was the first one you said?

Would you wank over a pizza?

Would you wank over two people cuddling?

Oh, just to piss them off.

No, it's not a sexual thing.

A fetish is like a sexualized thing.

So latex, I feel sexy in it.

It makes me want to touch myself.

It produces endorphins that make me want to do sexy things.

Oh, my cat, that's my third one.

That's not a sexy thing.

Excuse me, he's beautiful.

He's a beautiful boy.

And controlling someone else, that gets me off.

Manipulation, I love that.

That really gets me going.

You are quite manipulative.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

My mum always said, you won't get far being horrible to men.

Well, look at me now, mum.

Look at me now.

Legit, my parents used to be like, you treat men like shit.

And I was like, okay, cool.

You do, yeah, you do.

And now, I get paid for it.

Brucie bonus.

But I don't, yeah, only certain men.

Only certain men.

Shut up.

But yeah, no.

I've got loads of fetishes.

And the more I learn new things as a DOMINATRIX, the more I like more things.

There's some things I thought I'd never like and I've tried them.

And I'm like, actually, fucking love it.

Yeah, that's the question that scares me the most from you is when you come out of a session and you come to me, and you go, have you ever tried?

I'm like, no, get away from me.

Straight away.

I don't want to hear the end of your sentence.

It's not happening.

Because they're usually haunting.

Yeah, haunting for you, but fun for me.

Yeah.

Okay.

And on that bombshell, we're going to get out of here, aren't we?

We are.

I've got a session to plan for tomorrow.

I need to drink at least four liters of water.

And I've got about 300 emails to go through.

Good luck.

I know.

Farewell, perverts.

Farewell, perverts.

Thank you so much for joining us.

It's been a brief one, I think.

Hold on, how long have we?

Oh, actually, no, 50 minutes.

We chatted some fucking shit, man.

I don't even know what I said then, I'm sorry.

What did you say, and why did you say it like that?

Sounded like you're from the East End.

East End mum.

We're gonna go before she starts getting racist.

That wasn't even racist.

I'm no good at accents of any kind, okay?

What was the accent?

What was that?

I don't know.

Try again.

Yeah, man.

I'm well.

No, that's not even an accent.

I'm not good at accents.

Cut this from this.

What are you doing?

Just cut this from the podcast now.

Absolutely.

Why you gotta do that?

Now I sound like a goofus.

I'm gonna shiv you, blood.

No, no, man.

So, no, stop it now.

Go on.

Thank you so much, Bob.

Thank you so much for joining us.

Hopefully you've just heard the new jingle or the new intro.

Let us know what you think.

You can follow me over on Instagram at the Daniel Vandal, no, at the Dan Vandal, I think.

It's one of them.

I can't remember.

Find it on the website.

Go to the website, danielvandal.com, and you can find everything on there.

Until next time, stay sassy.

That was terrible.