Episode 02/05: Kink Pop Quiz

In this weeks episode MP hosts a kink pop quiz for Dan Vandal, to test his knowledge on MP's world! We discuss Arnie Hammer's alleged Cannibalism/kink, Nazis, Bitches Unleashed, fisting, BDSM, extreme kinks, an extended 'Open your inbox' conversation and a 'Good v Bad Sub' Reddit question. All in an evenings work, welcome to....My Wife is a Dominatrix!

We're doing it, girl, episode number five.

Is it number five already?

Yeah, number five already.

Cool, we smashed two out this week.

Yeah, we accidentally did them in the wrong order though, because we should have done the dark side first, but we weren't sure as to whether to release it or not, right?

Yeah, but people wanted to know the dark side, so we had to give them what they want.

Give the people what they want.

Listening to it back on like the second round, it wasn't that bad.

No, I don't think it was too bad.

It was honest.

It wasn't lesbian, it wasn't lesbian, it wasn't lesbian.

No, but you know what else isn't miserable?

Welcome ladies and perverts to the My wife is a DOMINATRIX podcast.

That doing it?

You always cut it short and I really like that intro.

I know, but it's so long.

No, I like that guy's voice.

Do you know what I think?

We shouldn't update it.

Maybe.

Because we're on season two as well.

I know, but I really like it.

I like the, wh-chh.

There's quite a few sound effects in it.

It does go on for a bit though.

You know, that's the only thing.

Should have thought about that.

Goes on a bit like me.

Yeah, you said it.

As we know from the last podcast.

Fairly well, no one gets a word into that.

I didn't realize.

I listened to it myself, and I was like, Jesus Christ, I do talk.

It's because you speak in paragraphs.

Right.

There's very rarely a sentence.

It's always a paragraph.

It's really weird, because I speak in paragraphs, but I text in like two words.

I'm like, all right, you.

Yeah, normally mean words.

Oh, not always.

That's true.

So what have you been up to this week?

I have been absolutely rammed, ramming people.

I have, I've been nonstop, because obviously I was ill, and I've taken some time off.

I've come back and I've just been absolutely rammoed.

I've had every fetish under the sun this week.

I've done 15 sessions.

15, yeah, this week 15.

Yeah, someone farted on my dick.

That was fun.

I fucked a guy so hard in the ass that he pissed himself.

Oh, wow.

I know, he's like, I'm gonna come.

And then he wet himself.

Like a nervous chihuahua.

I don't know, it was a surprise for both of us.

And I didn't have to do the cleanup job, so.

But you were worried though, weren't you?

When you were off, you were worried that everyone would have forgotten about you.

Do you know what?

You do.

I think you panic because you're self-employed and you own your own dungeon and you're like, what if I just go back and I'm bumbling around in my own dungeon on my own?

Just they're like, hello?

Yeah, I could imagine.

Like an NPC.

Yeah, well, do you know what?

Actually, I had two new people this week.

Like the butler from Lara Croft.

Oh God, I just get stuck in the freezer.

Just endlessly bumble in the bounce.

Did you do that?

Did you used to trap him in the freezer?

Everybody did.

Yeah, and then you just try and shoot him all the time.

You never would because he put his tray up.

Yeah, try and change the angle so you could see Crofty's tits.

Yeah, what is her triangular tits, the graphics were so bad.

And so many boys went over them.

Well, porn's really come on, isn't it?

Gaming and porn has really come a long way.

And now people are censoring their tits and people are getting off to that, censor porn.

Really?

It's a big thing, yeah.

Where, Japan?

No, like everywhere.

It is like a fetish now, censored porn, like, you know, blurry little things.

And they're like, yeah, and you can hear my voice, but you can just see a pixelated penis or tits.

Go on then.

If anyone would like a pixelated porn video from Dan Vandal, please get in touch.

I will be taking commission.

Unbelievable.

Can't take commission on freebies.

I was gonna say, I did have two cancellations this week, and one canceled on the day, but obviously covered his whole session, which was really nice.

He was like, I'm really sorry, I had to go to work, and then obviously paid the rest of his session.

That is a perfect example of a true gentleman and a good sub.

The other guy had had some bad news.

One of his friends had passed away.

It was his first time ever meeting me, so he didn't want to let me down.

Bless his heart.

So he came in, had a bottle of lancin for me, an envelope full of money, bless his heart, and was just like, hey, I'm not feeling very well mentally.

This is the situation.

And I was like, don't worry about it.

We'll reschedule another time.

You know, it's good that you've come in and explained and everything.

And it was like, it was just really respectful.

It was really nice that he went to that effort to not let me down.

It was a really good first impression.

We sat down, had a little chat, and we've rescheduled for another time.

Well, that's the difference between a true sub and somebody that's just horny, right?

Yeah, absolutely.

Absolutely.

It's all about respect and not ghosting.

And if you can't turn up, still paying for your session, because that's time that I could be putting into someone else.

At the end of the day, it is fetish and it is fun, but it's also a business.

And if you are booking that slot and that space, then you're going to compensate me for my time.

Whereas you get people who are like, I don't know, freak out on the day and they just ghost you and they block you.

So that's why it's always important to take deposits.

But they don't get to come back?

No, they don't.

Whereas if, you know, I'm a human, I understand that things happen, the amount of excuses you get like, oh, my tire has burst.

And you're like, uh-huh, where have you Googled this puncher from?

And I've had people do that.

And that's all good and fine, but you compensate me for my time.

You know, if you've freaked out and you've got nervous or you're anxious, just drop a message beforehand or even a couple of days beforehand, we can have a chat.

You know, it is scary coming into a dungeon.

It's a bit overwhelming, but I'm a human too.

Yeah, you do offer to meet people before sessions and stuff.

Yeah, go for coffee and stuff.

And obviously, you know, put your mind at ease.

I'm not...

Maybe more people should take that option.

Yeah, maybe people should, because then they're not wasting my time, not wasting their time.

It works all round.

And you could bring me home a coffee.

Oh, I could too, but I won't.

All right.

Anyway, don't you wow me.

So today, I thought we'd do something different.

I've got a load of kink to...

Am I going to talk this time then?

Yeah, you can talk a little bit.

I've had a load of messages basically saying, oh, I love that your partner is vanilla.

I love the fact that he doesn't really know much about kink.

I don't know really what this means.

So it's really good when he asks you questions.

Sometimes I think the questions are really stupid, but then I realize...

Yeah, sometimes when you're like, what is this?

And I'm like, God.

But it's because I've been in the industry for so long that it's second nature to me.

So I forget that people don't know like CP, CBT, CFNM, all of the different acronyms, all of the different things.

You know, like if you're good at your job and you know all the things, and then someone asks you a question, you're like, right, is this?

I've mentioned it to you in a podcast before.

Yeah, I know.

I was like, this is why I ask this question.

Because there's other people that are listening that are not sadists.

So this is for us to all learn together.

So I've got some bits and pieces, and I'm gonna get you, I'm gonna say what it is.

You're gonna quiz me.

I'm gonna quiz you.

On kink, well this is gonna go well, isn't it?

There's gonna be some complaints about this episode.

Probably.

Are you ready?

Let's see how many you get wrong.

There's a punishment.

You have to be locked in a chastity cage for a week.

Not a chance, pal.

You tried to get freaky with me in the dungeon a minute ago.

I did, I got you in the sex wig.

Calm yourself down.

I did get him in the sex wig.

I got a video as well for proof.

It's really comfy.

It is really comfy.

Until you come at me with that glare in your eye, and it's not so comfy anymore.

I didn't even put my strap on, you were lucky.

Right, you were lucky.

Yeah, right.

Right, come on.

Okay, D, S.

Dom, sub?

Yeah, dominance and submission.

Yeah, easy, I got this.

Yeah, there you go, start off easy.

S and M.

Sadomasochism?

Yeah, sadism and masochism.

Oh, sadism and masochism, all right.

Yeah, good, good.

I think I know, arcock and ball torture.

Yeah, what does that involve?

Like ball clamps, vices, ball weights.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I only remember that because we went shopping for some sort of weight or cage or something.

Yeah, it was a ball parachute with, I attach a bucket to it and then I add ball weights in it and it gets heavier and heavier and it drags the balls down.

Right.

Yeah, that one.

Yeah, I was the, yeah, okay, I think I know what you mean.

Okay, let's go on to, what is a DM?

Message in your inbox.

No, I DM sometimes.

What am I doing when I DM at an event?

Dungeon Master.

I do, well, Dungeon Monitor, oh, Dungeon Master.

Dungeon Master sounds cooler, though, doesn't it?

Dungeon Master.

Yeah.

Yeah, so you just monitor play, and you are the safe adult in the room.

Okay, they put you as the safe adult.

I know, right?

Because I'm great.

Does nobody else wanna do it?

It's just you at the front with your hand up.

No, shut up.

Okay.

I do know this one as well.

I had a conversation about this with, oh, consensual non-consent or something.

You really don't wanna go in that cage, do you?

And what does that mean?

Dolly.

I had a conversation with Dolly, somebody at the BBB about that.

And what does it mean?

It's one way you're likely to use a safe word because you're essentially saying, no, don't do it, but really you do want them to do it.

Well, it's an agreement where parties act as if consent has been wavered, but you would have advanced consent.

So a certain scene like, oh, no, don't do it, but they've already consented to be pushed over their limits.

That's what I mean when I say is you're more likely to hear a safe word.

Yeah.

Okay.

What is rack?

Rack.

We're going into like safety things now.

So rack.

I haven't a clue.

Is it an acronym?

Rack.

Rack.

Stop looking at my rack.

That's not it.

Discuss it.

Romantic.

Anal.

All right.

Chastity King.

Is risk aware, consensual kink.

It prioritizes informed consent and awareness of risks involved in BDSM play.

Crikey.

So yeah, as a DOMINATRIX, we have to play safely and adhere to safe practices.

And you have to always make sure that you've got consent to play with people.

And so that's a really big thing, especially for a professional.

This is the sort of stuff you use when you're dungeon mastering as well.

So what is SSC?

Yeah.

I'm assuming it's some other sort of DOMINATRIX rule.

Well, yeah, it's to do with safety.

Sight safety certificate.

No, it's safe, sane, consensual.

Imagine if it was safe, insane, consensual.

I think it would be better if it was a slight safety certificate.

There's a little chap with a high vis and a hard hat came around and just checked out your dungeon for trip hazards.

Oh my god, could you imagine?

I think this is going to be a hazard.

What if someone slips in that and ruins their anus?

That's the idea, sir.

Yep, unbelievable.

Okay, so that's safety out of the way.

Right, T-P-E.

T-P-E.

Mm-hmm.

It's type of cake.

Type of cake.

One of my favorites.

Your favorite cakes?

Probably my most favorite.

Going on.

That's not.

I can't think what that could be.

I have no idea.

Total power exchange.

It's what I do, what I do.

It's why I do what I do.

Yeah, like total power exchange.

Someone is giving me that total power, like that power.

I am able to take decisions over their everyday practices, take control of them physically, mentally.

You're having that total power.

So I'm in charge.

I'm the boss.

You know, they have to do as they're told.

So total power exchange.

That's the biggest one for me.

That's the reason I do it.

Yeah.

Because I love that sense of control, bit of a control freak.

Hands you know.

Who would have thought.

Right, CP.

Corporal punishment.

Yes.

Well done, Ian.

What is that?

That's one of your other favorites, isn't it?

I quite like that, yeah.

Just made you a bit of a brutal bitch.

Yeah, but what am I doing?

CP.

Shouting and hitting a lot.

No, corporal punishment.

So yeah, it's like spanking, paddling, caning, whipping, that sort of thing.

Yeah, shouting and hitting a lot.

That's exactly what it sounds like from a different room.

All right.

CFNM.

I've seen this one written down somewhere.

You've had someone here doing that.

Have I?

Yeah, a cat litter man.

Clothed female, naked male.

A lot of guys, clothed female.

So women is fully clothed, in control, in power, and the man is naked.

So naked male.

It's like a big, big kink.

Lots of guys like that.

Because it makes them feel really vulnerable, exposed, humiliated.

They're completely naked, but the woman is completely clothed.

Oh, I thought it was some sort of transgender reveal thing.

No, no, no, no, it's not.

Oh, right.

Like I'm a lady now, if I take my kit off.

Da, da, da, da, da, I'm a goose.

Yeah, I'm a naked bloke.

F, F.

Fanny farts.

It's fisting or fist fucking.

Fucking, big in the gay community.

Also big in my dungeon.

I did that on Friday.

Honestly, I'm nearly fit too up there.

It was very good fun.

It's kink.

Daddy Dom?

Little girl?

Yeah.

It's funny how you know this one.

But I also had that conversation with the same girl.

Oh, really?

What's the name?

That cute younger one?

Oh, Dolly something, isn't it?

Yeah, C&C Dolly.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's Mistress Kirsty's female submissive.

Oh, right.

She does the little girl adult baby play.

Kirsty with the boobies.

Kirsty with the boobies.

Yeah.

We had a long old convo about that sort of stuff.

Yeah, she loves that, doesn't she?

Yeah.

She's willing to it.

Free use.

That's my favorite.

Yeah.

As if you'd ever get it.

What?

You heard.

Free use.

Could you imagine?

Not a chance, pal.

Yes, I could.

Yeah, in your dreams.

Yeah, in your dreams.

Right, come on.

What is free use?

What it says on the tin, really.

Which is?

Just do as you please.

Well, yeah.

When you please.

There's a bit of line for CNC.

You're free to be used or to be fucked whenever, really.

You know, that's a really big thing at the moment, actually.

Free use.

It's in a lot of stuff on YouPorn, Pornhub.

It is.

All of the porno sites.

Like a woman's just doing the laundry, and then someone's just railing her, and she's just carrying on doing the laundry.

Like it's not happening.

Crikey.

Unbelievable.

Okay, queening.

That's-

Not queefing.

Queening.

Isn't that something to do with that coffee table you've got?

It's not a coffee table.

It's something to do with the coffee table though, isn't it?

Well, kind of, but it's not a coffee table.

It's a smother box.

It's not the same thing.

It's got a hole in it for a start.

So a smother box is basically-

A hazardous coffee table, then.

A smother box for people who don't know is a box, and a person will put their head in the box, so it'll be cut out, and then it's almost like a toilet seat, and then obviously there's a hole, and the woman will sit down like she's going to toilet.

It's like a scaled down Victorian toilet.

Kind of, but it-

But you put your head in it.

Yeah, and-

Lay on your back.

What?

You lay on your back and put your head in the box.

Yeah, yeah, the person does.

I don't, I was like, what?

No, I sit on the box.

So I sit on the box, and so you sat on someone's face, and their face is like right there.

It's not like a piss box, a toilet box.

It is like their nose and their mouth are sort of in your butt, and you're sat there.

If you turn the massage table upside down, what you'd see-

Yeah, somebody's face pushing through the massage table.

Do a selfie next time you're on the massage table, and you'll see exactly what NPCs, when she looks down.

Excellent, yeah, pretty much.

That's what it is, yeah.

Oh my God, I never thought of it that way.

I've never had a massage ever again.

Oh my God, but what do they see?

My just fat ass coming towards them like, do, do, do, do, I'm not gonna be able to breathe again.

So yeah, that's facing, but also queening is more like worshiping pussy, and stuff like that.

So not something that I will do facing, but I won't offer the worship of the puss.

Of the puss.

You may smell it, and that is it.

Oh gosh, that's the worst part.

Oh shut up, it's delightful.

Right, sounding.

That's the thing with the evil chopsticks.

The evil chopsticks.

Yeah, the chopsticks of doom.

Sound bars.

I have a sub who's absolutely horrified.

He's probably gonna listen to this, and he hates the word sounding.

Absolutely.

Shame him right now.

Shame him right now, rewired replicant.

Oh, bless.

Absolutely, like to the point where he's gonna be physically ill.

Know what to get him for his birthday.

A set of sound bars.

So yeah, metal rods that go down your urethra.

Oh, a ladies.

They're ladies.

Yeah, I remember you brought them in to me whilst I was in the kitchen one evening and asked what they were, and I was like, I think I can vigor it out.

You were trying to play music with them.

It was very weird.

Right, breeding.

I think I've seen this one as well, haven't I?

This is the breed me daddy type scenario.

Yeah, it's massive.

It's a massive thing.

Like last year, everyone was like, breed me daddy, quite big in the gay community as well.

So it's like penetrative sex that involves ejaculation, anally or vaginally without a condom.

But the breeding part is the ejaculating inside.

It's not actually, it's a bit different from the impregnation fetish because that is impregnating it and the act of doing that, like what comes with the impregnation.

So there's like two different, yeah.

I think that's the only difference.

Yeah, but yeah, that breeding is more of the ejaculating.

Without the condom.

Okay, topping from the bottom.

This one I know, this is the...

No, no.

This is a no, no.

I hate it.

Oh, right.

This is when you have a client that professes to be a submissive.

Yes.

And then when you're...

What's the term you use?

Playing?

Yes.

When you're playing, they demand things to happen in a certain fashion, as opposed to just shutting up and doing as they're told.

So basically when a bottom...

Is that right?

Yeah, so basically when a bottom tries to over-direct the top in a manner not fitting to the play or the scene.

So the scene is...

Scene and play.

So it is like Shakespeare, William Shakespeare.

Just Willie Shakespeare.

Just Willie Shakespeare, Willie old Shakespeare.

I imagine he was into weird stuff.

Fisting in the summer.

Can you reckon?

He was probably into some weird stuff.

Oh yeah, 100% big Willie.

Yeah.

So yeah, the play or scene is what you're doing.

You're creating a scene, you're involved in the play.

That's what that is if people didn't know.

That is how Ava condones herself.

Condones herself, conducts herself.

Sorry, conducts herself.

Sorry, I was going somewhere with it in my brain and my mouth wasn't catching up.

That's how she, with the china mug and the stern.

Strict roles and strict roles of conduct.

And then low protocol, more relaxed, which is like me.

It depends what kind of session I'm doing, and it depends who I'm doing it with.

Sometimes I'll go high protocol, sometimes I'll do low protocol.

But mainly, yeah, I switch between the two.

Some people are very one way, but I, yeah, I'll switch between the two.

I'm a bit like a Harley Quinn.

Yeah, depending what people want, I guess.

Exactly, exactly.

Okay, splashing.

Splashing.

Oh, we've done that.

Yes, we have.

And you brought me to a thing and I had to throw tomatoes at somebody or something.

Yes, you did.

That was hilarious.

And beans, what is it?

Beans and custard.

We'll tell people what it is and then we can talk about it.

So, like what happened here?

Do you want to tell the story of what happened here?

Yeah, we can, but you need to discuss what splashing is.

Tell the people.

Okay, splashing is a sexy thing involving getting food poured on you.

Food and messy play.

Essentially?

Messy stuff.

Messy, yeah, like proper messy food.

Yeah, and now you can tell the story.

It's all stuff you definitely don't want to give to a baby because they'll go everywhere.

I can set the scene if you like, and then you can tell the story.

Oh, you want to talk some more?

Yeah, go ahead.

Right, you can tell it then.

No, you can tell them how you set it all up.

I'm going to have a sip of my beverage.

So I had a client a couple of years ago and they requested a public humiliation with some of my vanilla friends.

I know, right?

And I had to get a massive paddling pool.

I had to tarpauling the walls and everything.

It looks like a casino at Dexter.

Yeah, this was before we had the dungeon as well.

No, this is before we had, this was in the fungeon.

So a room in a house in the flat.

And we had to tarpaul in the whole room because it was going to get messy.

We had jelly, custard gravy.

And yeah, I spent the whole day setting up this room and you had to help me, didn't you?

And then-

It was arduous.

I will let you tell the story.

And then, yeah, essentially this fella got tied up in the fungeon.

But it wasn't a fella.

Sorry?

Wasn't a fella.

Was it not?

No, what was she dressed as?

Oh, I can't remember those details.

A lady professional.

Really?

Yeah, she had the wig on and everything.

What, like a secretary or like a business lady?

Yeah, she was dressed as like a professional secretary.

That was her king.

Like a high flyer?

Yes, a high flying business woman, yes.

He came to be transformed into her.

That's right, I remember you did all the makeup in the bedroom and stuff.

Yeah, she had her makeup done all beautifully.

She looked gorgeous.

And then got splashed to buggery.

Yes, that was her fetish.

By me and a load of our vanilla friends.

She did.

There were buckets and buckets of custard and beans, and my vanilla friends were like, what the hell is going on?

And we recorded it.

We took it in turns, right?

To go into the room and just lob something at her.

Yes, yes, we did.

And this went on all night, didn't it?

What a weird Thursday.

Yeah, and we like put beans in her stockings and-

Oh, that's right.

Yeah, there were like different courses and she had to like read out this script of rights and stuff.

Yeah, you were smashing stuff in her tights and stuff.

She had to bite down on an onion and she was crying.

It was crazy, wasn't it?

It was very funny.

That was very CNC as well.

We'd already pre-agreed the terms and everything and stuff, but once we'd started going, she couldn't stop.

Oh shit, yeah.

Yeah, that's what she wanted.

She wanted to be really-

She wanted us to take videos and stuff.

Yep.

Yeah.

And get as many people in as I could.

And it was like a public, yeah, massive public humiliation.

She wanted a spectacle made.

Yeah, it was a good fun, that was.

Yeah, it was a funny night.

It was a cleanup job.

The next day, we just sort of left it.

And then I had a slave come the next morning and they had to help.

And it was just, oh my God, there were beans everywhere.

Yeah, it was a mess.

It was disgusting.

It was just, ugh.

The bathtub was blocked for days.

It was.

But honestly, beans, gravy, custard, there was jelly.

The jelly was so hard to clear up.

Oh no, and slime.

It was the slime.

The slime was the worst.

Oh, that bucket of green.

Oh my God.

It just wouldn't disintegrate.

Funny though.

Yeah, it was very, very funny.

I've got a video somewhere.

I'll have to get it up.

You'll have to dig that one out.

That was such a funny time.

Got any more for me?

Was that it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, you've not completed it.

Ugh.

Okay.

Edge play.

That's when you do everything but ejaculate.

No.

That's where you.

That's edging.

That's when you edge play knife stuff.

Yeah.

So it's S and M play that involves a chance of harm physically or mentally.

So you've got like blood play, knife play, gun play.

Well, that sounds like a slippery slope.

Yeah, like Russian roulette.

Like you bring a gun in and it's.

I don't know if we should mention the Russians and guns.

A lot of American listeners.

Don't do that.

It's sort of, yeah, so scary, but it's a bit like fear play.

When you, someone is scared, you're scared.

Oh, so like power sex life.

Well, you're always scared.

Yeah.

I hate you, I hate you.

Scared you're gonna fall in love all over again.

Figging.

I know this.

I know this one.

It's the, it's where you put, is it like, I want to say ginger or something, somewhere awful.

Is it in one's rectum?

It could be.

It is, peeled ginger root into the anus or urethra.

Oh, could you imagine it?

Yeah.

There's also another one where you put a radish in an anus, but I can't pronounce what it's called.

I can't remember what it's called.

You put a radish in there.

I don't know.

Radish?

Yeah.

I don't just radish burn, I've never done that.

If anyone wants me to put radish in their bottom, please contact me.

I've done the ginger, I've done the stinging nettles as well.

Or Comdom full of stinging nettles, with a Comdom of stinging nettles.

The medicine go down.

Get old Mary Poppins over here.

Honestly, I stung someone so much, it was a CNC scene and they wanted to really, really hurt.

And I filled up a Comdom full of stinging nettles and then like gave them a massage, but with stinging nettles and they were just absolutely covered, like so many bumps, they were crying a lot.

And they were like, please.

I held my breath while she was telling me that story.

Even his armpits.

Oh my God, imagine how much that hurts in the armpits, under the testicles, in the gooch.

The gooch, the gooch got it bad.

Earth.

Oh man.

Oh, actually, last one.

Yeah, go on.

What fetish is this?

Vore, because this will lead us onto our next thing.

Can you...

V-O-R-E.

Vore, I feel like Carol Vorderman.

Can I have a consonant, Carol?

No, you fucking can't.

V-O-R-E.

Vore.

Very old.

It's not acronym.

Oh, why all of a sudden we changed it up?

We haven't, we're talking about kinks now.

All right, so there's a kink that's called vore.

Yeah, like giant S, vore.

They're sort of niche categories.

Okay, I can work out what giant S is.

Obviously.

Vore, I cannot work out.

A lot of people like giant S and vore.

They like giant S and vore.

Giant S.

People with big feet, I don't know.

No, no, no.

So vore is eating people whole.

So like I get a lot of requests for vore.

Consuming, so you're consuming a person and you can poop them out and it's the person traveling through your body and people will take videos like where they've shrunk a little man down, you know, that little man that wants to go inside my pit.

You've done one of those or some of them.

Yeah, I've done a few customs of vore, giant S.

So you're like a big giant S and you shrunk a little man down and you're gonna pop him in your mouth and you pretend to eat him and you're like.

You just like pretend to eat an action figure or something.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then you go, oh, and he goes, oh, you can traveling down me, you're in my intestines.

Or I can really feel you rumbling inside of my tummy.

And I really might need to poop you out like.

And then you pretend to poop out a little figure man and he's gone through like a roller coaster of your body.

This is like that man that wanted you to poop on him.

And that guy.

Couple of podcasts ago.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He was into it, yeah.

Oh man.

Do you know how many times I've listened to our own intro?

That one just makes you die, doesn't it?

Every time.

You do.

I've heard it so many times.

I put it on the way it works sometimes.

Do you?

Yeah.

Just for a laugh.

Just for a giggle before I have to go.

Monday morning banter.

Shout out to people.

I see you find that funny, but the guy that wants to be a chicken nugget, that is the funniest for me.

Every time I get to McDonald's, now I'm like, chicken nuggets?

Yeah, that was a good one as well.

Yeah, so anyway, that leads us on to our next topic, doesn't it?

Eating.

It does.

Consuming.

Eating and consuming.

Consuming, go on then, you can talk.

Well, I saw a thing on the internet the other day.

It's a dangerous place.

And I said, it, woman, have a look at this for you.

Because it was about some celebrity, I forget the name already.

Arnie Hammer.

Arnie Hammer, sounds like toothpaste.

It does, doesn't it?

And he was on a Piers Morgan thing, getting grilled about possibly being a cannibal or something.

Yeah, so there's this big thing that came out, I think it was like two years ago or something, when he's quite a public figure.

And he got caught out basically, texting someone some inappropriate things.

Well, not inappropriate, well, it was at the time because people didn't understand the context, but it turns out that he's got a cannibalism kink.

Yeah, but originally, they just thought he was being a cannibal and eating people.

Yeah, just eating people, and they didn't really get the context.

And still a lot of people don't, still a lot of people don't because it is like a real niche sort of out there kind of thing.

I think it's called erotophonophilia.

Erotophonophilia?

Yeah, I don't know if I'm saying that right, but that's how it's spelled, how I'm saying it.

So it's, you know, people who experience sexual pleasure when thinking about eating people, or consuming them, or breaking their bones to eat them.

So, you know, it's like, and it's more about consuming the person rather than killing them normally.

I don't know if you can do one without the other.

I know, but that fetish is the consuming of the human flesh rather than the killing part.

I know, I know it's really weird, we're getting like Jeffrey Dahmer territory here now, aren't we?

Yeah, like where does the line stop?

I don't know, I suppose when you actually do it, I guess.

I think it could be a fetish, like it's obviously not a very widely accepted, I mean, you can have a wank over the words that you say about it, and like, oh, but then if you're actually watching someone actually getting like...

When you get to the point that you're wanking whilst watching somebody eating someone.

Yeah, that might be.

That's when you should call Dave, or what was it, call Frank, or whoever.

That's the drug guy.

I don't know who you'd call, who the hell would you call for this?

Hey, I've got a fetish, like, I don't even know.

I don't like to kink shame, but...

Ghostbusters, I don't know.

That's after you've consumed them, and their souls are haunting you.

Like, I don't even know, I don't even know who you'd call a priest, a fucking priest at this point.

If you've gone that far.

Yeah, I guess.

I mean, we don't kink shame here, but that's, yeah, that's a lot in there.

I kink shame in every episode, I think.

That's you.

But yeah, that's...

Because it's frightening.

This is quite a lot, isn't it?

But you see movies and stuff.

It's a bit like snuff movies and stuff when people are into snuff, and that's getting off on watching someone be dismembered and killed and stuff.

Like people, you know, and that is in the internet somewhere.

There's some horrible, horrible fucking stuff out there.

I think American Horror Story touched on snuff thing in the circus episode.

I think it did.

Yeah, yeah.

And you know, I've seen a lot of crazy shit, and even I'm a bit like, that's a bit far for me.

Anyway, so this Arnie Hammer was texting.

Basically, here's a couple of examples.

My cock is in my hand, and I'm thinking of breaking your ribs, cutting you into pieces and fucking the pieces.

And he's like, getting off on this.

Those are my bones.

And if I want to break one to prove it, I will.

Fingers, toes.

And if you're still needing more proof, your fucking neck in my bare hands.

God damn it.

I need to come again.

I'm going to come.

If you tell me what I can and can't break, I will break them all.

I'm going to come thinking of breaking your bones.

What do you need to walk for?

You just lay on the pile on the floor and I'll fuck you whenever I walk past you.

Sounds like a real nice guy.

But that doesn't really sound like a cannibal fetish at all.

Like he's saying that's a cannibal fetish, but that doesn't sound, that's more violent.

That sounds like-

Oh, was there?

Yeah, the thing I showed you originally.

Like a raw deer's heart or something.

There was more about the cannibally stuff, wasn't there?

Yeah, like it's sort of like the whole thing for him, the whole shebang, the whole beating the absolute fucking granny out of her.

And then like, it sounds like it's getting really turned on by just, yeah.

And that's obviously his thing.

Like you do wonder though, like how do you get to this point?

Because I do some crazy ass shit.

Like I love sticking my fist up someone and wearing them like a puppet.

Well, maybe he just missed his ex, or at least the smell of her cooking.

Oh God, you had a stove.

You're awful there.

She went lovely with a roasted vegetable.

You are horrid.

You're a horrid son.

They're easier to catch, aren't they, slow?

Oh God, what is wrong with you?

This is no time for cannibalism jokes.

Come on now.

Do you know what funny fact actually, when I was nine, I won a poetry competition for a cannibal poem I wrote.

Yeah, I did.

It's published in a book somewhere.

No way.

Yeah, I had to do a drawing with it as well.

And it was awful.

It's like this little weird scraggly man on an island eating someone's foot.

I know.

Have I got the fetish?

So what happened then?

Cause obviously he had an interview with Piers.

Did Piers figure out?

No, I just, I think he's just, I think this guy's just been like, I've got a bit of a fetish and people don't really understand it.

And no one's ever seen the texts from her.

Like we don't know what she was writing back.

Do you know what, we're just seeing one side of the story.

So maybe she's going, oh my God, please don't.

Cause it was her that made the complaint, I'm guessing.

Or her that outed.

Someone outed someone.

I don't know the full story.

Cause why are there only his messages and not her messages?

I think he was famous and she was protected.

But there was another one as well.

He wasn't just doing it to one woman.

There were a few women that he was doing it to.

All based around eating them and beating them up.

Yeah, that sort of thing.

So that was his, that's his kink.

And he was like, I shouldn't be shamed.

This is humiliating.

Cause you say what you want about cannibals, but there's probably a good person in all of them.

You're absolutely, I don't even know what I was going to say then.

I'm shocked.

I'm shook up to my core.

He was saying the same sort of thing to other chicks.

Yeah, he was saying the same thing to other chicks and stuff.

It's a bit like, it reminds me a bit of Silence of the Lambs.

He reminds me of that guy, you know, like the guy who's now in the wheelchair, they got ate by the pigs, the one that had the mutilated face and bits of his, he kind of reminds me of that guy, like that sort of stuff.

Really?

Yeah, right, when I think of that guy, like that's a bit creepy.

Well, we can't kink, sure.

No, it's not something for me.

I don't, although actually it is more common than we think.

These kinks are actually more common.

My friend, Mistress Eclipse, she had a guy that comes to see her and he wanted to be a turkey.

So he comes as a turkey and she has to like pretend that she's plucking him and she's preparing to put him in the oven and she has to baste him.

So she's in this session, she's telling me this, I'm absolutely pissing myself.

She has to baste him and everything.

She's like, look at this turkey and he's going gobble gobble.

And she's like basting him and pretending she's putting him on the spit.

Am I going to have to beep this mistress's name in this podcast?

No, no, it's fine, she'll love it, it's fine, it's fine.

She's great.

I work with her all the time, I work with her a bit, she's brilliant.

But yeah, I'm not going to mention the person's name, it's fine.

She has to...

But he might know and then get mad because she told you.

Well she didn't say his name, it could be any turkey, any guy pretending to be a turkey.

I don't know, how many clients do you get that say, excuse me?

Stop it.

And anyway, she was telling me she had to be like, oh, look at this succulent turkey, oh, I can't wait to eat this succulent turkey.

And then she had to pretend like he was going in the oven and he was getting cooked and then she was gonna eat him.

She was gonna eat that turkey up and that.

And she did this for like four or five hours.

I would lose control of my body.

I would not be able to stand up.

I'd be laughing so much.

I know, and that's what he loved.

Just wanted to be basted up like a turkey cooked, eaten a lot, yeah.

I couldn't believe it.

I was at, yeah, oh, brilliant.

If anyone would like to do a session like that, please do.

I would love that, that would make my day.

It is quite funny.

But yeah, there you go.

So, you know, like I wanted to be turkey and wanted to be cooked and stuff.

So maybe that's part of this.

Harmless turkey fun.

Harmless turkey basting.

So yeah, like you can get into this.

And then I suppose the more and more you sort of fantasize about it and stuff, the deeper and darker you may go.

Maybe, I just come up with an idea.

I just come up with an idea that's gonna blow your mind.

Okay, go on.

Why don't we hook up turkey boy with Arnie Hammer or whatever his name is?

No, because I think the guy is just a fantasist whereas Arnie Hammer.

Wow, that's for them to decide on the day.

You better make sure you're safe.

This is gonna be very clear.

I feel like this is gonna be like Japan all over again.

In Japan, it's massive.

What is the turkey thing?

No, that's America.

America loves turkeys.

No, in Japan, they found loads of body parts and stuff in that guy's apartment, didn't they?

And they'd be meeting on like dating websites.

And then the guy would offer to cook them a meal and then cook their own body parts to feed the person.

And then they were like, yeah, kill me.

It's fine.

You can just eat my body.

Because some people's fetishes are to be eaten.

They're not the cannibal.

They're the cannibal's victim.

I don't think it's a very good diet.

No.

Oh, imagine the shit's after it.

Because essentially, we're all just battery hens, aren't we?

Just rattling around in our houses, not doing anything.

Like you need some free range or some organic or something in your life.

Oh, God, yeah.

There's not many of them anymore, is there?

You could get someone from the homestead.

Well, technically, homeless people.

Yeah, they're free range.

Free range.

Well, actually, that is the thing, isn't it?

Homeless people do sometimes get eaten.

Oh, sorry, what?

Well, yeah, loads of people go missing, don't they?

And, you know.

I'm pretty sure there's been stories of it in the past.

If you look into it, like, properly, and I don't want to look into it properly.

Yeah, I don't want to go down that dark rabbit hole because you know what I'm like, I don't want to deep dive that.

It would affect me for days.

But yeah, if you look, in Japan, it was a big thing.

And, you know, in the gay community, there was a lot of like Jeffrey Dormer and all of that.

Yeah, so.

So there you go.

So there you go.

I'm looking forward to my lovely Sunday roast.

It's a turkey.

Or is it you?

Disgusting.

Disgusting?

You know, we've got that section, haven't we?

That open your inbox.

Oh, God, yeah.

Shall I open it today?

Can do, but you wanted to do an extended one, didn't you?

Because you asked people to send you in questions.

Is that right?

Yes.

That was it, just yes.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, I did.

You just did a word, not a paragraph.

Oh, my God, I'm a new woman.

So here we are on our new section.

What is our new section?

It's like a continuing section, but it's extended.

That's absolutely terrifying.

That's haunting.

That is absolutely, did you make that?

That's haunting.

I took you like half an hour.

That's ridiculous.

Absolutely.

What is, oh my God, stop it.

I forgot.

Can you just talk in and it says anything?

No, no, I have to brag about programming the words in.

Oh.

I've got other ones.

Oh, you're an absolute knob.

Oh, I'm retiring after this one.

Yeah, I bet you are.

Right, so I was like, ask me a question, Instagram, and some of them were good.

Yeah.

And some of them were not so good.

No, there's no surprise there.

So have you ever made a grown man cry?

Obviously, many, many times.

His name is Dan Vandal.

Yeah.

I do it pretty much every day.

Every story I hear.

Yeah.

What's your favorite thing to do in a session?

Just normal.

What's your favorite wrestler?

What's your favorite type of leather boots?

Hold on a minute.

Are we getting the answers to any of these questions?

Or is it just, we're just not allowed to find out?

Yeah, no, I was, yeah, you can, yeah.

How do you get so gassy?

You're still not giving us the answers.

No, no answers for you.

No, cause I want to get onto the better ones.

And then I get questions like, you ever blow a fart that shocked the hell out of you?

By the way, I hope you're doing great, queen.

They just come up from nowhere, don't they?

I love the bolshy confidence of that one.

You ever blow a fart that shocked the hell out of you?

And the accents back.

Oh no, no accents.

I just imagine that's how it sounded.

And then you should fart in seamless leggings jumpsuit from Fashion Nova.

That's very specific.

What is Fashion Nova?

Like a fashion website in America.

Like he's like, you should fart in some seamless leggings jumpsuit.

So like some special specifics.

Yeah, apparently so.

I wonder where that kinks come from.

What do you prefer to use for pegging?

A small strap on or a big one?

Obviously a big one.

That's not wasting my time here.

Yeah, I don't want to use a baby's fucking finger.

I want to use a big old one.

Oh, don't use that.

Do you know what?

It all depends on the ass that you're fucking.

Some people can take more than others.

Okay, why is it whenever I talk about anal or pegging, you get all coy?

I get all coy about, I think, majority of the podcasts.

But especially anal, when it comes to anal.

Nope.

But forever trying to get a mind.

We had one about farting the other day, and I lost control of myself, remember?

Yeah, with laughing.

With laughing.

Oh, I've got to laugh or I'll cry.

And then I've got really nice ones like non-kink, but what are your favorite flowers?

Which is nice.

That's nice.

I used to love lilies, but we've got cats and we can't do that no more.

No.

Orchids.

Roses.

Yeah.

Just anything green.

I like plants more than flowers.

House plants.

We've been on a right house plant vendor, haven't we?

We have.

We've become those people that now...

The bigger the Monstera, the better.

Quite literally.

Monstera woman.

We're fucking wild.

I know.

Everyone thinks we're wild.

We're in this dungeon in Bournemouth, and I do kink Monday to Friday.

And then Saturday to Sunday, we're gonna get an iced coffee, and then we go to the garden center.

Yeah.

This is what I spend the whole time in the van, don't we?

We do a lot of that.

Yeah, which we've just actually done.

We went camping last night, and it was dog shit.

It was terrible.

Terrible idea.

Yeah, I wonder.

It was awful.

It just started raining from the moment we got there, and then the moment we left, it was pure sunshine.

As soon as we were at the key in the door at the house, the sun came out.

Yeah, absolutely.

It's always, I blame you, everywhere we go, there's gonna be a natural disaster.

We went to Iceland.

Natural disaster.

Natural disaster, the worst snowstorm they'd had in 50 years.

It was 100 years.

100 years.

And that's all because you were there.

That's right.

We went to Morocco and it rained.

Oh yeah, we went to Morocco and it rained.

It doesn't rain in Morocco and it rained.

What's wrong with you?

Oh dear, we went to Turkey and we got in a bus crash.

Oh yeah, we got in a bus crash.

Yeah, and someone shot at him.

And then, oh, and then they had, something else happened.

There was another natural disaster.

There was bombs or something.

No bombs were going off in Turkey.

There was something happened in Turkey as well.

Oh, some sort of terrorist thing was going on, that's right.

Oh, and I'm Sam, the guy in the train station with the axe.

Yep.

Every time we go away, there's just a national emergency because you're there.

Oh, don't go on holiday with them.

We have a good time there, don't we?

We always have a good old time.

We do have a good old time.

This cough is driving me mad.

Sorry.

Have you planned to be to India, mistress or any plans?

No.

No, you don't want to go, but I really want to go.

I just don't think it's very woman-friendly.

I see the news and it's not, yeah.

You're not very friendly.

I'm not very man-friendly.

I just don't think it would mix very well.

No, this is true.

Exactly.

I don't think I'm the type of woman that'd be looking for over there.

Yeah, I mean, you struggle with a lot of people around anyway, don't you?

So I think India would just be...

Oh my God, yeah, too many people at once.

Oh my God, I can literally handle my stable.

Go to the countryside of India rather than the mental bit.

Yeah, like a remote part.

Like I can do Delhi or something, like whew.

No, I get overwhelmed quite easily.

Maybe we'll do that, that's a good idea.

Yeah, people don't realize that.

People think that I'm just this confident, bulshy, ballsy.

Dickhead.

Yeah, I was gonna say motherfucker.

But are we allowed to say all these swear words?

On our own podcast?

That's not like a BBC person that's like, you're not allowed to say that.

A big black cock that's not allowed to say that.

The stuff we talk about would not make it onto the BBC.

Ah, that's a shame.

Channel four, channel four at best, channel five.

Channel four or five, yeah, easy.

Oh my God, I watched Extreme Love.

Do you remember that program?

Yes.

And there was a woman who wanted to reach a hundred pound, no, a thousand pounds.

Yes, I do remember.

Good God, and then there's just some weird old crap on there, like the sex dolls.

Sex dolls was so funny.

He bought a sex doll, and then he had three of them, and one was like an elf, and one-

Did he have to like send them away to get fixed and stuff?

Yeah, because they got too fucked.

And then the wife was like, well, this isn't fair.

Jim, I want a sex doll.

And so he bought a sex doll, a man one, but he was too heavy.

So they had to send him back and get him another one.

And it looked like a 15-

Put the sex doll on a diet.

Yeah, and then they had to get another one.

And it was like a 15-year-old Japanese boy.

She was like, oh, and they tried to make it more manly by like dressing it up and everything.

It was really, really weird.

It just looked like a kid in his dad's suit.

Yeah, it was odd.

And the guy, and for some reason, they made the guy like in the program, like take it to McDonald's or something, and he had to sit there with this doll and they invited the whole family round for dinner, like the sons, the daughters, children, the lot.

With just a doll at the table.

With a doll at the table.

And they were like, yeah, this is a bit fucking weird, isn't it, dad?

And the mom was like, yeah.

I think if that was a possibility, a dinner party that I was going to, that would be the first and only time I was ever on time for something.

Yeah, I couldn't, I would not be able to hold myself together long enough to get in that place and see what was going on.

You would feel, you thrive in really awkward situations.

They're my favorite thing ever.

I die in awkward situations.

Yeah, no, I love it.

Like if there's an awkward couple having an argument, I will sit right next to them.

Oh God, you love it, don't you?

Or you'll just stir it or say something.

Yeah, oh yeah.

You'll make matters much worse, whereas I, yeah, everyone always thinks that I'm like dominant Bolshe in all this, but actually I get quite anxious and I don't always like massive crowds, do I?

Like I'm actually.

Yeah, whereas you are fine with it.

Yeah, I'll talk to anybody about anything.

Yeah, whereas I do get a bit more like.

You hate it when we go away on holiday and you leave me unattended.

Oh my God, holiday friends.

Fuck off, fuck off.

He, honestly, I will go to the hotel room to go and get change and I'll come back and he's already, no, I will not.

I'm a lady, we don't do that.

I only poo.

I only poo when I'm paid.

How dare you?

I poo on payment.

Every poo is a pound.

No, every time I go and do something and I leave him unattended for even like five minutes, I come back and he's made like a group of holiday friends that we didn't have to spend the next two to three days hanging out with.

And it makes me want to die.

Makes me want to kill you.

You love it, you like it.

The last time we went to Morocco a couple of weeks ago, we did me alone for five or six minutes and you came back and I had, I don't know, like eight holiday friends.

Yes, you were fighting the French.

Came back, he was in an argument with a rowdy French man, a French man.

Yeah, there was a govey Frenchman there, yeah.

Yeah, and then all hell broke loose.

And then we ended up talking about a woman who said, oh, she's bought a houseboat, Sue.

And then she wanted me to do some DOMING on her boat.

And she was going to call it whipping in the shipping.

It was mental.

Aren't you in a group chat with them all now?

Yeah, we're in a group chat now.

Honestly, you just can't leave this man for two seconds.

Whenever I'm at an event, I'll go away and he'll wander off.

And you just never know where you're going to find him.

He's just going to be talking absolute nonsense to someone.

And you are coming to the next bitches and the next BBB.

So I feel sorry for everybody that's coming.

I've not been to the bitches before.

You've not been to the bitches.

No, they're bitches.

This is the one where they have the blow the whistle.

The blow the whistle and all submissives have to get on the floor.

They have a swimming pool there and a jacuzzi.

That's right.

They have the sad fish and the tank on its own.

We mentioned it last episode, I think.

So we're going to that.

So you'll have to wear some special gear.

Yeah, what was the other one that I was gonna do that you said I had to wear special gear for?

Oh, Torch Garden.

We're gonna go to the Torch Garden, which is more fetish based.

It's all like latex or PVC, like that, you know.

We've not been there before, have we?

I went there a really long time ago, but we've not been there together.

We don't know anybody there.

No.

When are we going?

I think end of the year.

I need to just confirm, so.

Yeah, we'll figure out when we're going there.

Maybe we'll let everybody know.

And we can meet some people up there.

Oh my God, that would be hell.

If there's any people going.

I know, you'll make friends with them all, and I'll just stand there like.

I'll make friends anyway, man.

You know I will.

Anyway, so Bitches Unleashed, tickets are out now, on sale.

Go to the Bitches Unleashed website, please.

It's on Twitter.

It's the 21st of September.

It's in Bury, Manchester.

It's a very, very good night, run by my good friend, Mistress Buffy Brown.

It is for submissive women and men and dominant women.

If you're a dominant man, don't come.

But yeah, it's a night of laughing.

It's a night of play.

There's slave tasks.

There's games.

You get wristbands.

There's, yeah, there's drinking as well.

It's one of the very few events that you can actually drink and kink.

Okay.

Drinking kink, which is, you know, it's quite fun, actually.

It's nice to catch up with everyone, have a couple of drinks as long as you're not getting absolutely bollocks.

There are people there that will watch you and check you out.

Like I will be dungeon monitoring.

So if I sing, dungeon master.

So if I see anything untoward, you will get it.

Can I be a dungeon wizard?

No.

What am I?

Can you speak to-

A dickhead.

The dungeon dickhead.

Buffy, can you ask for a title for me for the day?

Yeah, dungeon dickhead.

I don't know.

I want to be a wizard or something.

No, you can't.

It's not Dungeons and Dragons.

You can't be a mage or an elf or a-

Well, last week I was allowed.

Yeah, that's because we were playing Dungeons and Dragons.

It's the same thing.

Come on.

It's not the same thing.

Anyway, so you need to get yourself some gear, don't you?

You're going to have to get yourself.

So we need to-

You said to me earlier on, you were talking about the new website that your mate's done.

Oh, sorry.

What was that?

That was me trying to inhale the water.

So yeah, my lovely friend, Goddess Houston.

Let me grab it up.

Goddess Sugar Houston.

Yes, and that's Sweet Little Anne.

She has a website.

So basically it is a kinky Etsy full of different sellers because Etsy, they've now been in the press because they're saying that they're not gonna sell.

This is the website I was looking at earlier on when you said I have to get some ink for the...

Yeah.

So Etsy have been in the press because they are not being sex positive.

They're basically kicking off all sex positive creators.

Is this all worldwide or just America?

No, I think it's gonna start being all worldwide.

I've seen it's definitely in America, but I don't know.

So like people who make sex toys, people who make fetish wear, latex wear, like these are people's businesses and living.

And it's crazy because you get some such good quality stuff.

I get loads of stuff of Etsy from loads of different shops.

All your personalized stuff you use Etsy for, don't you?

Yeah, I use Etsy for, and these are people's lifestyles.

Like you've got people have got to stop being so offended about what people are buying on the internet.

I'm a fan that you're a fan.

But and yeah, so Etsy are gonna stop doing certain things like making all these bits and pieces.

So she has basically made her own kinky Etsy, which is really, really cool.

So loads of sellers, anything from latex.

I bought a handbag off there, a Miss Poison Candy one.

I will put up some pictures this week.

A Miss Poison Candy is all bejeweled and everything.

And then it's like a vintage bag.

It's the jazzled.

The jazzled.

Yeah, bejazzled bag.

And her website is www.charmschoolshop.com.

That's C-H-A-R-M-S-K-O-O-L shop.com.

Yeah, school is in S-K-O-O-L.

Yeah, her Twitter handle is the same thing, charmschoolshop.

Yeah, and she's actually been very, very sweet and given us a 10% off code, which is 10candy, C-A-N-D-I, 10candy.

And that will give you 10% off everywhere in the shop.

And there's loads and loads of different things like you can get bags.

Do we get a little throwback from that or not?

I don't know.

Can I have another bag?

That says, Dan is a dickhead.

That would be nice.

That could make you a little bag.

But yeah, that is her shop and she just sells loads and loads of niche bits and there are some really good quality stuff.

Yeah, there's loads of men's stuff on there because there's not a lot of men's stuff anywhere, I notice.

It's really hard to find men's stuff as we've discussed before.

Yeah, for something, and we had to do something somewhere else and I had to get something and I couldn't.

Couldn't find anything that didn't make me look like a magician.

A crap magician.

Even if you're going as a sub male, it's still quite hard to find stuff.

Like my gang, my little stable, my candy canes were saying, it is quite hard if you're not wearing mesh or fishnets and stuff, what do you wear?

Or latex, yeah.

Yeah, it is quite difficult.

I think women do have a better choice of fetish wear.

Oh yeah, definitely.

They do in general, right?

We just like jeans and t-shirt.

Yeah, pretty much.

I bought some new...

Can you wear latex jeans and a latex t-shirt?

Is that a thing?

Yeah, there are.

Yeah, I've got latex.

You would be absolutely fucking sweating your nuts off.

Do you know how...

Well, you don't know.

You've never worn latex, but it is hot.

I've been doing a lot of latex.

I've been doing a lot of latex stuff recently.

You have.

The latex gloves that you've probably worn are slightly different from the tight fitting latex gloves.

You're talking about like carving gloves.

Yeah.

I'm talking about like fisting gloves and actual fitted latex.

What is the difference between a carving glove and a fisting glove?

They both go in the same place.

I mean, they're all going in a big hole.

So.

I wonder which one's more expensive.

Probably latex glove.

Well, I just stumbled across a money saving exercise here.

There we go.

Just come up with carving gloves now.

Waders and carving gloves.

Easy.

Let me in, little pig.

So yeah, latex.

I've been doing a lot of latex actually, which sucks because it's summer.

We're in the height of summer, but summer's been really shit.

Yeah, but you love latex.

I do love latex.

Do you know what?

I absolutely love latex, but latex is so delicate.

It snaps all the fucking time.

It is expensive.

You've got to treat it with care.

Like is it very-

Is it not because of that big arse of yours?

Well, do you know what?

The arse is the last thing to go.

It's normally the armpit.

Yeah, the armpits.

And the armpits go a lot on them.

You've got fat armpits.

I've got the most bloody fat armpits, god damn them.

I do actually get a lot of my latex at the moment from Skin 2.

They're just really good.

They used to be oner.

They're now Skin 2.

Really reasonably priced.

The sizing's quite good.

This whole podcast sounds like an advert.

Oh no, it's not an advert.

I'm just telling people what I get.

We're not getting paid.

We're not affiliated.

None of this.

Not yet, wait.

But yeah, no, they're just reasonable.

Like latex can, you can get stuff from like-

You do have a lot of trouble with your latex, don't you?

Well, cause I'm a thicker snicker.

You know, I've got those thick girls fads.

Very careful how you say that.

Yeah.

What?

I'm a lady thickums, so my thighs are quite juicy.

My bum is very juicy.

My boobs are very juicy.

So it's really hard to find stuff that fits.

I normally, like I love a cat suit, but normally I have to get it made to measure because I've got a small waist, big ass, big tits, and big thighs, but then small calves.

Like, but yeah, I do love the latex, but it is expensive and you do have to look after it.

And people don't seem to know the difference between PVC and latex, which absolutely annoys me.

Oh yeah, cause when people book a session saying they want latex, yeah, or vice versa.

In the height of summer.

Yeah, and some people get it the wrong way around, don't they?

Yeah, like they like the shiny.

Yeah, get PVC or want PVC and get latex.

You can always tell when a girl's quite new to the scene and they're like pretending to be a DOMINANT and they're put like, oh yeah, look at me and my latex leggings.

And it's like a pair of fucking Anne Summer's PVC leggings for like 20 quid and you're like, babes.

You're looking at like 150 quid for a basic pair of latex leggings.

And it's not the same thing.

They are not the same thing.

And people-

They look pretty similar.

No, they don't.

They really don't.

I'll hold them two up.

I'll hold two up next time.

Yeah, but I know the difference to the layman.

If I showed them to my mate, I said, which of these is the latest?

One of them smells like fish.

One of them doesn't.

Well, my mate's, actually you're very true.

Actually, one of them does smell like fish.

No, PVC always smells like fish when you take it out of the packet.

Cause it's plastic, isn't it?

Yeah, it does.

It does.

I've had some right old fishy numbers.

You have to air them out for a bit.

Remember, I had a session.

This sounds like an excuse you're setting up to use in the future.

I'm really sorry that it smells fishy in here.

Yeah, it's cause it's new latex.

Honestly, it's not my minge.

No, the latex doesn't smell of fish.

The PVC smells of fish, Daniel.

Whichever.

It's the PVC.

But actually, you could end up smelling like fish after a day in latex cause it is sweaty.

Yeah, it is very sweaty.

It is a very tight, sweaty sandbrick.

It's very wet after I take it off, after I'm dripping.

You're like a baby dolphin, aren't you?

But yeah, just sweating away, dripping.

So I can't wait for you to try some on cause...

No, I think I'm all right.

Yeah, but you're covered in hair.

Yes, I am a man.

Yeah, it's going to hurt.

Really?

Yeah, it's going to be rubbing against your head.

Yeah.

Well, maybe I just don't wear any.

Well, maybe you should cause otherwise you can't come.

So I have to wear latex to go to torture garden.

Yeah, that's the rules.

Can it be a latex kilt?

Yeah, I suppose it could.

Problem solved.

Are you actually?

Yeah, why not?

Just, oh my God, all the drips, it would be so sweaty in there, and then you're just balls will be dripping on the floor.

It's all like flowy.

Yeah, but it's still latex, it's the fabric.

It's still gonna make your balls sweat.

Trust me, I wear skirts and I'm still dripping.

Rig up some sort of fan.

You know, the fans they have in mascot helmets.

Just a portable one for your balls, a ball fan.

Just to keep my testicles in the breeze.

Do you know what?

I went to the sex shop once and I saw something cool.

No, just one, just the one time.

And I saw something cool, a ball dildo.

And you put this thing on your balls.

It's like a dildo on your balls.

And I was like, what?

Oh, like a second dick.

Yeah, it just didn't make sense.

I was like, what?

So you can double penetrate a lady using just the power of your ball dick.

But I just can't imagine someone's balls being that sturdy to put a dick in an anus.

Funny, when I first saw that, I thought the exact same thing.

I was like, that seems...

I thought, whose testicles are sturdy enough to take that?

Needless to say, it's not in the sex shop anymore.

Why, did you buy it?

No, I think it's just not there.

I don't think they sell it anymore.

I think you've bought it.

I think there was a flaw in the plan.

I always like to try new things, to be honest, but I've got no balls to put on this dildo, and I'm not riding someone's ball dildo.

You want me to wear the ball dildo, don't you?

I do not want you to wear the ball dildo.

What happens if someone's got...

Stop nodding your head.

People can't see you.

What if someone's only got one ball?

I think it would still work.

Do you reckon?

It would not keep slipping off.

Are you talking specifically about him?

Oh, no, I was not.

That's not where I was going with that.

No, they weren't made for him.

Let's bring up the nasty.

We're gonna get canceled now.

This is unbelievable.

Please don't.

Did you want a Reddit question, by the way?

Yeah, oh, okay, go on.

Give us a Reddit.

We'll smash one out, right?

Sorry, I've got cold.

Right, you ready?

Yeah, go on, hit me.

It's a bit of a title.

All right.

Constantly disappointed by submissive men.

Am I expecting too much?

You're gonna make that noise the whole way through again?

I thought you were having a fit last time I did this and you're making that noise.

Right.

So this is on a BDS7 device on Reddit.

The question is, hoping to see if this resonates with other DOMs.

I'm relatively inexperienced.

I've had about five subs, but I had one male sub who was genuinely into it to serve and please me.

He never asked for pictures.

He never asked me to do or say things to help him get off.

Of course, I asked him what he liked and wanted.

And when I sent him pictures, he was so grateful.

It just felt like this truly mutually respectful man was giving space.

I don't really know what that means.

Since then, I feel like all of the male subs I talk to say they're like that.

But then as soon as they get turned on, they start clearly prioritizing themselves.

And like, that's fine.

But I'm just immediately uninterested.

Am I off base?

Am I being too picky?

Or are subs like that just rare?

What are your thoughts?

So the guy that she is saying respectful in that, that's a true sub.

The rest of them are just fucking horny idiots.

Didn't I say something like that earlier?

Yeah, you did.

It's like you'd already done this.

You answered the question earlier.

That is a true sub.

I know, well done, you.

You are wasted.

She's a comedian and a savant.

And give out random BDSM advice.

That's terrible.

Yay.

No, so the guy that she's talking about that she really likes, who's respectful, isn't asking for stuff, isn't, that is a true sub.

He sounds like people in your sable.

Yes, that is.

Those are the high quality subs that I want in my life.

Mike, you're letting me down again, I will kill you.

Yeah, those are the high quality submissives that you want.

The people that put you first, they don't have high expectations, wild expectations.

You mutually agree on things that don't hassle you too much.

They're grateful for the time and the kink that you give them.

Their purpose is to serve you to better your life.

And things are easier.

Make things easier.

Not just looking for a sticky dicky.

Yeah, not looking for a quick old wank, which is what a lot of people do.

And that's fine.

That's fine.

But don't start then calling yourself a submissive.

I get people all the time that say, I wanna be your slave.

I wanna serve you.

I wanna be this.

I wanna be this.

And they just come into my inbox and they disrespect me immediately.

And it's like that you were starting off on the wrong foot, my pal.

So here's a little bit of advice because I keep getting people asking me, what do I do?

How do I approach?

We've done this question so many times.

So just think of it as a first date.

You want to make a good impression.

You buy the lady a drink, pay for the dinner.

You don't spend all the time.

No, you don't do that.

No, don't do that.

And you spend time getting to know her, asking her questions about her, not about you and your fucking needs.

And that's the difference between a true submissive.

And then some people will be clients.

So I have clients and then I'm catering their needs, but within my limits and my boundaries.

So I'm being paid for that.

That's my job.

That's fine.

But they have to still be respectful and stuff.

But there's a lot of new people coming into the scene that haven't a fucking clue how to talk to people.

They haven't got any clues how to approach.

So the guy that she's talking about, he's lovely.

He's done it right.

He's happy.

He's not expecting too much.

And the rest of them are just horny jerk-offs basically.

It seems to be like a massive influx of time wasters, wankers, that sort of stuff.

And as a professional, we can see right fucking through it.

But they sort of serve a purpose as well, don't they?

Yeah, they serve a purpose.

They sort of pay the bills.

And then there's others that better your life, I suppose, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, so the ones that better your life are the ones that you keep hold of.

And do you know what they are?

He was a better your life person.

And the other lot were pay your bills first.

So you invest in them.

You invest in them.

Time and effort.

Yeah, time and effort.

You will invest in them.

The others, you know, they want a quick wank.

You want their money.

That's it.

It doesn't go any more than that, you're not getting...

But yeah, you just, you choose where to invest your time.

And those are the ones that you invest your time in.

The people that invest in you, you invest back.

Yeah, I think she did put an edit up.

Essentially what you've just said, really.

Everyone seems to have the same thing to say.

Which is good, which means there's probably quite a lot of submissive types in that Reddit.

Yeah, yeah, which is nice.

Yeah, which is nice because people need to learn how to get into this sort of lifestyle and that.

And I think because of the influx of catfishers and fakes and scammers and stuff like that, that are allowing these people to just wank and go and get away with it and not use protocol and things like that.

Like there's a lot of DOMs that just are doing it for the money.

So they don't, yeah, they just don't tell them off.

And then they just skip from DOM to DOM to DOM to DOM and just do the same old fucking dribble.

Yeah.

Like I'll get a text from one of my DOM mates, and they'll be like, have you had this one?

And we'll just laugh, because we're like, yeah.

Yeah, it's sort of like a DOM neighborhood watch.

And we're all like, have you had this fucking waggot?

Sometimes when we all meet up, we're like, have you had this guy?

And we'll share stories.

And then you realize it's the same fucking person.

You're like, no way, is it him?

Oh my God, it's him.

And we all have a fucking laugh at your expense, you motherfuckers.

Honestly, you get one, I have guys that pop up like every once a year and they're like, hello, it's me.

And I'm like, I know where you've been around the fucking block, mate.

And they're like, oh, can you own me?

Please, I'm serious about it this time.

I'm really serious about it.

And they're not, and I'm just like, oh fuck it.

You hear a lot, you always mention this.

Yeah, I block, block.

That's honestly, that's what I'm doing at the moment.

I'm just block, I laugh, and then I block.

Oh really?

Yeah.

You just see straight through it as well.

Like you can tell when a guy's typing with his dick in his hand.

It's really shorthand.

It's all acronyms.

Yeah, all acronyms.

Lots of spelling mistakes, always.

It's when they send you the voice notes and they're like, hello, are you running?

You're going on a run?

Running around with his problems.

Yeah, so yeah, that's that piece of advice.

So anyway, so for next week's podcast, I thought we should open up a little segment, like our own Reddit question.

So if anyone has a-

Yeah, so that would be quite fun.

Obviously we won't name and shame or whatever you, but yeah, if anyone's got a question-

Oh, some anonymous questions.

Yeah, some anonymous questions for the podcast, whether you be a vanilla or a kinky or a massive pervert.

Yeah.

Any of the above.

You've got to be a pervert to listen to this podcast.

There's got to be a little bit of pervert.

I look at every person on Twitter and Instagram like you're a pervert.

There's a pervert in all of us, whether we're vanilla or kink.

Yeah, I've met people out in the wild.

In wild?

Yeah, out in the real life that listen to the podcast.

Have you really?

You know this.

Oh yes, you have.

Yeah, it's more of a revelation for the people listening rather than you.

Yeah, I know who you're talking about now.

Yeah, I've actually met people outside of our lives that listen to the podcast.

I know, which is really good.

We're doing really well at the moment.

Strange, isn't it?

We're staying consistent.

Yeah, I was talking about it one day.

They're like, oh my God, I listen to that.

I was like, no way.

Yeah, with my partner.

Oh God.

And you're like, I make it with my partner.

Hooray.

Maybe we should get them on.

No, thank you.

No, anyway.

So you want people to send in some things, some advicey sort of questions or anything, really?

Yeah.

Where do you want them to send it?

You can send it to my Twitter, your Twitter, Instagram, any of the socials.

Send it to the podcast's Twitter.

Yeah.

What's the handle for that?

My wife is a DOMINATRIX or My wife is a DOM.

Or Miss Poison Candy.

Yeah.

Miss Poison Candy or Instagram at Miss Poison Candy one.

Don't fall for the other one.

Really?

Oh, they keep stealing my identity all the time.

And then I messaged them and they said, I will take it down if you do this for me.

And I was like, I ain't doing this for you.

What the fuck?

You're thinking what for you?

They were like, if you take the name and shaming down of me stealing your content, I went, I'm not taking it down until you fucking delete my pictures.

What?

The guy was trying to barter with me.

Okay.

He was trying.

Yeah.

And Instagram do fucking nothing about it.

If you complain to Instagram, they delete your account rather than the scammers account.

That's incredible.

I know, right?

Yeah, that's incredible.

So many people have lost their accounts because they've reported scammers and then they've deleted.

And sometimes the scammers will get more followers and likes than you.

And you're like, in what world?

Yeah, it's impressive.

There's someone on Facebook masquerading to be me.

And it's not me.

You showed me an Instagram one the other day somebody had stolen your content and they had like 5,000 followers or something.

It had been up for a day and a half.

Yeah, ridiculous.

And people will fall for this shit.

People will fall for this shit.

It's not me.

It's not me.

You're sending your money to a man in India.

Well, you've got a blue tick on the Twitter, haven't you?

Yeah, I'm blue ticked on Twitter.

Twitter is probably the best place to find all my website or my email.

I mean, I've got a whole website for this thing.

You have.

I haven't done it for fun.

You have.

For shits and gigs.

I mean, for shits and gigs.

I am such a weirdo.

Should we go and eat some pizza now?

We should go and eat some pizza.

But before I wrap this up, I want everyone to know that I've got some new content coming out.

I'm doing some filming this week with my lovely friend from the House of Veneration, Erica Rain.

She's lovely.

She's sweetheart.

We met her in Morocco.

Erica.

I like Erica.

Yeah, Erica's a very sweet, very nice.

You know, we bumped into them in Morocco, didn't we?

Yeah, lovely, lovely people.

Went out to lunch.

Yeah, and then we've got, I've got Bax.

He's coming from America.

He is a porn star.

Go Team America.

I know.

We'll be doing some content.

He's...

You know, we have more American listeners than we do English.

Do we really?

I believe so.

Oh, that's amazing.

Weird, huh?

Yeah, I've got two American subs as well.

I wonder if they're listening.

They better be listening.

Maybe some of them are strongly worded email.

I will do Simon and Drew.

You better be listening.

I didn't say the last name.

It could be anyone.

Get the button ready.

No, it could be anyone.

I'll get it ready.

It could be anybody's name.

I haven't given away locations.

It's fine.

All right, come on, woman.

Absolutely not.

Go make me a sandwich, bitch.

Till next time, ladies and perverts.

See you later, fuckers.

See you later, fuckers.